I have been thinking a lot about what causes some people to grow and mature and what causes some to stay stuck or in the dark. I know this is a complex topic, but I do believe it is worth spending some time considering.
If you are a person who has yearned to be free from others’ opinions or approval rating, perhaps it is time to begin moving from the shadow others may have cast over you. Often moving into your own personal light space requires letting go of the need for approval. Rejection is common to all of humanity. WE cannot escape it. If you live your life hoping for approval from others and fearing rejection, you will stay in their shadow and in your own darkness to self.
Moving forward in consciousness of yourself may call for a more inward look than you have previously been used to taking. Our tendency is often to look outward to other people and external circumstances to find solutions to our problems. I write a lot about asking yourself what is going on with you and your feelings. This means you must take an inner look at how you feel instead of the “if only” approach that means someone else is responsible for change in order for you to be happy or that circumstances have to change in order for you to feel joy.
Blaming people or circumstances for your unhappiness or anger is about you not accepting things as they are. You need to find ways to move to the light so you can make changes that will improve your circumstances. Some may respond to this as, “but you don’t know my circumstances.” I understand that some things are very difficult and many people are suffering, but accepting things as they are and finding ways to come into the light of your own attitude will help.
Expectations are one of the greatest deterrents to moving from the dark into the light. When people or circumstances do not turn out as you would have anticipated or hoped, we often become hurt, angry, frustrated or have other negative emotions. That is normal. Coming into the light from those feelings of sadness and depressed state calls for growth and leads to maturity. When we face challenges that seem very dark and hopeless, it is often the very thing that will lead us into our most significant times of illumination and higher consciousness to our inner being and connection to what is most sacred.
Ask yourself if you are hiding in the darkness of blaming others, expectations of others or avoiding pain past or present. Think about your greatest obstacles and challenges right now. Are you telling yourself that someone else has to do something or that something has to change before you can change or experience joy? That will keep you in darkness or certainly in the shadows. Moving towards the light requires hope and a way out of this present darkness. Examine your life and your current situation and write down some responses to this posting and these questions. Share them with us.
Blessings,
Susan
Friday, January 23, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Intimacy 101
This is a term that is used in a variety of ways in our society. The dictionary defines it as a “close personal relationship.” Other definitions of the word are used in conjunction with the environment as “a quiet or private atmosphere;” or regarding knowledge as “a detailed knowledge resulting from a close or long association of study;” or in a behavior as “private and personal action or utterance.” Intimacy as an action in our society is often understood to just refer to sexual intimacy.
In order to experience true intimacy in every way, I believe it is important to have an intimate relationship with self. In my view, that would mean you would experience familiarity and closeness with your own being. You would have an understanding and inner awareness of your own identity. I am not sure if most people ever stop to consider this aspect of intimacy or if they first run off to someone else looking for intimacy.
From my perspective, it is nearly impossible to experience intimacy in all of its forms: relationally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, or even sexually without first having some notion of your own identity and being intimate with yourself. I do believe that we often learn and understand ourselves better in the context of other relationships. However, we can be in denial and immature in those relationships if we have not firstly connected with ourselves in a deeper way.
In order to live your life conscious of yourself, you must begin a journey of intimacy with yourself. We are all in denial of certain aspects of ourselves, so it becomes easy to either take another’s opinion of you or make up one about yourself in the way you want to be seen and feel it is the real you. This is usually done to the extent that it was not okay to be accepted as yourself as a child. Often children who are physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused as children will take on roles of who they need to be for the parents or who they need to be in order to survive those times.
The trouble with being in denial and not intimate with yourself is you may be using outmoded behaviors developed in childhood to cope as versions of what you believe to be the real you. For example, if you developed a hero role in your family of origin, you may still be doing that for others and taking responsibility for others in ways that you need not be doing. You may think or even feel you need to be doing these things, but resent them deep in your unconscious.
The problem with lack of intimacy with self is that you live outside yourself and are dependent on others or something other than self to guide you. It also blocks an intimate relationship with God because you are living as you think, not necessarily the way God is requiring. This often happens in many “religious” people. They are actually not spiritual at all as they are closed off from the intimacy with self and also with God. They are living under rules and codes and values that are either of their own making or ones they learned from somewhere outside and not from God.
Begin to think about areas where you may not be intimately in touch with yourself. Are you letting others define you? Are you blaming others for your problems? Are you focused more outside yourself than trusting your inner being? I will have much more to explore about intimacy in future blogs, but I would like to hear your feedback on the topic in any form that this one has generated.
Blessings,
Susan
In order to experience true intimacy in every way, I believe it is important to have an intimate relationship with self. In my view, that would mean you would experience familiarity and closeness with your own being. You would have an understanding and inner awareness of your own identity. I am not sure if most people ever stop to consider this aspect of intimacy or if they first run off to someone else looking for intimacy.
From my perspective, it is nearly impossible to experience intimacy in all of its forms: relationally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, or even sexually without first having some notion of your own identity and being intimate with yourself. I do believe that we often learn and understand ourselves better in the context of other relationships. However, we can be in denial and immature in those relationships if we have not firstly connected with ourselves in a deeper way.
In order to live your life conscious of yourself, you must begin a journey of intimacy with yourself. We are all in denial of certain aspects of ourselves, so it becomes easy to either take another’s opinion of you or make up one about yourself in the way you want to be seen and feel it is the real you. This is usually done to the extent that it was not okay to be accepted as yourself as a child. Often children who are physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused as children will take on roles of who they need to be for the parents or who they need to be in order to survive those times.
The trouble with being in denial and not intimate with yourself is you may be using outmoded behaviors developed in childhood to cope as versions of what you believe to be the real you. For example, if you developed a hero role in your family of origin, you may still be doing that for others and taking responsibility for others in ways that you need not be doing. You may think or even feel you need to be doing these things, but resent them deep in your unconscious.
The problem with lack of intimacy with self is that you live outside yourself and are dependent on others or something other than self to guide you. It also blocks an intimate relationship with God because you are living as you think, not necessarily the way God is requiring. This often happens in many “religious” people. They are actually not spiritual at all as they are closed off from the intimacy with self and also with God. They are living under rules and codes and values that are either of their own making or ones they learned from somewhere outside and not from God.
Begin to think about areas where you may not be intimately in touch with yourself. Are you letting others define you? Are you blaming others for your problems? Are you focused more outside yourself than trusting your inner being? I will have much more to explore about intimacy in future blogs, but I would like to hear your feedback on the topic in any form that this one has generated.
Blessings,
Susan
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