Misunderstood and Not Heard

I have been doing some thinking about how people misunderstand each other and how things get twisted and not heard. I know all about perspectives and differing viewpoints. I can see that in all relationships and even in national politics. That is understandable because all the parties have so many diverse backgrounds.

What is hard to wrap my brain around is how people in partnership or the same family can be so misunderstood. I know you have all had the experience of saying something and not feeling heard or worse, heard incorrectly. How does that feel when that happens?

When it happens to me, I really feel like trying to repeat myself or maybe even, speak louder in order for the person to be able to receive the communication as I am intending. I have found speaking louder does absolutely no good as I am sure you have experienced as well. The other party will most likely go to their defense or to an intimidating posture or withdraw. None of those will help your self expression to them.

In order for another to understand you, they need to be willing to stay relational with you. If you are sharing (to be known as the speaker) and the person you are sharing with (the listener) goes to defensive posturing or making it about them, you are not heard. You can try to refocus what you are saying and redirect back to yourself or you can let them know this is about you at that moment and not them. It is often hard not to want to track with their mood shift or to follow the new trail they are going down. If you do that, however, you have left yourself.

If you have been in the habit of abandoning yourself when others blame shift or act defensively, that is more about you. Ask yourself why you do that. You may find some interesting answers. It is most likely a pattern of communication you learned long ago and reinforced in your conversations. If you go to someone to let them know your feelings and they make it about them without validating you first, you have not been heard and have no chance of being understood. They are most likely making their own meaning out of what you have said.

Setting good boundaries and keeping yourself intact while staying present with yourself is the healthy way to dialogue with another. Good boundaries would be respectfully redirecting the conversation back to you or letting them know you need to be heard and ask for that need. It is hard to be in conversation relationally with people who are self absorbed. You may not be able to consistently be heard because it is very exhausting to have to constantly monitor whether you are staying with your own thoughts and feelings or getting reactive around their behavior. Only you can decide how to handle those kinds of relationships.

Most people just do not know how to communicate in healthy ways. You need to train yourself to stay present with your thoughts and feelings and not get absorbed in the other person’s energy. You will then be heard and better understood more of the time. You will also observe who does want to hear what you have to say and who isn’t really interested.


Here is an example of a typical “miscommunication”:

Carol: “Bob, I feel you were somewhat dismissive of me at dinner last night.”

Bob: “Well, what you were saying was ridiculous, so how do you expect me to act?”

Carol: “ I was not being ridiculous. I was saying what I think.”

Bob: “Then you should do a little more thinking before speaking.”

This conversation is going down a combative “rat hole”. The issue is Carol’s feeling of being dismissed by Bob. Bob only wants to defend his action and then Carol tracks along and abandons her initial feelings and need to be heard.

Can you see what happens here?

Blessings,
Susan

No Fault Discussions

I have been observing a lot about the way people relate to one another lately. I have noticed that often the major way of operating is to blame shift the problem to the other person instead of having an actual discussion or dialogue about a conflict. Life is about conflicts with those we are in relationship with and it happens often with those we are the closest (like spouse, parent or sibling). What is it that causes one person to go to making the conflict the “fault” of the other person? I am not sure that is so much the issue as is our way of communicating during conflict.

It seems that most people who love each other want the other person to think the best of them so it might be hard to admit wrongdoing. Therefore, what if we just took each disagreement or controversy as it happened and tried to just listen to the other person when it wasn’t our turn to talk? What if we made it a habit of never thinking of it as a “fault” of someone, but rather a difference that needed discussing? What if we did not think of it as a battle that someone must win, but rather an opportunity to learn more about the other person and what was bothering them?

Isn’t that just what we often do to people we are “supposed” to love? We start with a presenting conflict and try to address it while underneath we have a lot of resentments built up that we blame the other person for and soon, it isn’t even about the original conflict. It usually goes back and forth in a spin of blame and accusations using terms like “never and always” and pretty soon the conversation is very contemptuous…so hurtful that neither party is willing to talk rationally. This can go on for years and the pattern of insanity is the same, but couples and others in close relationships still continue the cycle hoping to have the other person see their side of things.

What would it look like if we talked to those we are in close partnership with using the idea of NO FAULT? Like the insurance companies in some states do when there is an accident, what if we said there is no fault here and we just shared our experience?

What if both parties said there had been an accident and no one was at fault, but they needed to talk about it so it could be resolved and things could get resolved (not fixed)?

What if the other person could hear our point of view, said they could understand and then shared their view? What if both parties then moved forward without trying to “fix” anything and just said they would do their part and work on what they needed to do?

What if when one person was at fault, they owned up to it knowing there would be no payment because it was NO FAULT (since they couldn’t pay off the debt to the other person anyway because nothing they did would take back the harm done)?
What if the person who caused a problem was having a bad day (or a bad year) and kept on hurting the other person? What if the “injured” person kept forgiving, but decided to stay on a new path so they didn’t keep “bumping into” the person hurting them?

What if every person decided that every discussion would always be about living in the moment and thinking before discussion, “this is about right now and not all the history between us?”

What if we all valued each other as human and precious to us and saw past their character defects and gave them a chance to shine after the “accident” instead of “rebuffing” them time and time again?

What do YOU think about these “What ifs”?

Blessings,
Susan

Living as an Individual in a Partnership

Relationships can be very difficult in many ways. I think one of the hardest things to sustain is your individuality in the midst of being married or in a serious relationship. Mature love requires a lot of awareness of who you are as a person. Respecting your partner’s right to be who they are and having them do the same for you can be very challenging. If one person dominates the other in a relationship, it becomes very difficult to sustain lasting love and respect. Giving and receiving love in a mature way really is about just giving with no strings attached. If you give love and expect something back, you will always end up empty handed because you have not given for the right reasons. Who wants to be loved because they gave love? Most people want to be loved for who they are and if you are a mature, loving person, you will have plenty of love coming back your way.

If your relationship requires you to lose your own individual identity, it is about you and not the other person. Blaming them for giving up a significant part of yourself is not mature. You chose to do that. If you say that you “had” to do that to keep the other happy or to maintain peace, you are fooling yourself and excusing your own manipulative behavior. In reality, you did it so YOU could be comfortable and not have to deal with conflict or discomfort from the partner. Living this way over time causes resentments to build and loss of your own identity.

Idolizing and sacrificing self are not noble ways of living. They are actually done from fear and out of childish thinking. Adults know they can stand up for themselves in a healthy way through the use of boundaries. Telling another what you need and want and asking if they are willing to cooperate with you is noble. It is even more dignified to be able to express your needs and have another reject them and be able to find a healthy way to meet them in some other way.

Being in a loving relationship does not mean that your own personal growth stops or that you wait for the other person to be at the same place you are at any given time. It actually means that you get to grow inside and outside the relationship at your own rate. People need to be fulfilled inside a relationship and in other ways outside it as well in order to operate in their own purpose and development. This will lead to being fulfilled within yourself and will actually contribute to a more loving bond.

Loving yourself well enough to stay individual and keep those things that define you will keep things strong between you and your partner. It will allow for flexibility and compromise because you feel free and mature to express yourself. Trying to be what the other person wants or needs is codependent and will lead to emotional dishonesty. It will also breed unhealthy communication styles and produce blaming and defensive postures.

An example of this would be, “Look at all I do for you and look at how ungrateful you are to me. I give up and sacrifice for you all the time and you never even appreciate it.” You can see the resentment in this kind of communication and the partner will want to defend against it and they will not get any understanding of each other. If you maintain your uniqueness while listening to your partner, you will find the balance that you both need to succeed in growing a healthy relationship and in growing and maturing yourself while joyfully loving your partner.

Blessings,
Susan

The Process of Forgiveness

We all have people in our lives that inflict pain on us at one time or another. It can come from a parent, your best friend, your partner or almost anyone. The people that are closest to us are the ones who often hurt us the most. These actions can be in the form of lies, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, abuse or other offenses. Wounds of this kind can leave you with feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment that are difficult to get beyond.

When you experience the damage from someone’s actions or words, you feel anger, confusion, bitterness, feelings of immense pain and other strong emotions that are powerful and difficult to release. Over time, grudges and more hostility around the offense(s) grow and may even cause you to replay them over and over in your mind. Roots of bitterness and a sense of injustice begin to overwhelm you. You may even feel trapped by them. This often leads to thinking it would be impossible to let go of them.

Holding on to pain, resentments, bitterness, anger, or hatred causes suffering in our own lives. Over time, it is our own being that suffers. It takes a lot of energy to keep feeding these feelings. They also bleed over into other relationships and keep us from enjoying the present. This can lead to anxiety, depression, chronic pain and many physical health issues. Lack of forgiveness is also a block to emotional and spiritual maturity.

Practicing forgiveness is a process and is not the same as forgetting what has happened to you. The acts you forgive may always remain a part of your life. It is nearly impossible to forget the abusive behaviors of others, but forgiveness can lessen the hold that memory has on you. It will also help you focus on the other, more positive parts of your life. Forgiveness does not mean that you ignore the other person’s responsibility for hurting you and it doesn’t minimize or excuse the wrong committed.

The first step to forgiving another is to recognize you have unforgiveness and that it is hurting you more than anyone. Gaining awareness of the benefits you will receive and why it is important to forgive is the beginning of letting go. Committing to let go of the need for justice and your role as a victim actually releases control the offending person has held over your life. It means you actively choose to change old patterns and beliefs so that you will no longer define your life by bitterness and resentments around these hurts.

The next steps in the act of forgiveness are about facing the pain and admitting what actually happened and how it has affected you. It will be important to feel the feelings which can be done through journaling or working through them with a counselor. Part of this process may include the need to forgive yourself for any part you have had in building walls of resentment, hanging onto grudges, or hurting others out of your own pain. Writing is very healing during this time as it brings your body into the process so your thoughts connect with the pain in your heart.

The path of forgiveness takes time and is not microwavable, but it is the key to emotional and spiritual well being. It allows you to be free to accept what has happened without the need for the other person to do anything. Continuing to live a life of forgiving others will keep you from carrying unnecessary burdens.

Blessings,
Susan

Experiencing Life in Process

Many people spend time “working” out their problems with the help of a professional for a season. This season of time is often referred to as the “processing issues time”. The manner in which people process their issues can vary through the use of psychotherapy or counseling with someone on a specific issue such as depression. Most people can benefit from a period of actively processing their issues. It helps to have someone trained to listen and give feedback as difficult or traumatic circumstances are dealt with in this manner.

The interesting thing I find as a therapist is that most people find it would benefit them to have someone in their life they could depend on to be there to bounce things off of throughout their lives. This doesn’t mean they want to go into “deep” process about everything because that is usually for issues of a more serious nature.

However, the process of living does require process. By that I mean, if a person just moves through life randomly without experiencing it or taking it in to their inner being, they are missing out on so much. Living completely, fully, wholly, joyfully, serenely and with interaction with all dimensions of self and others makes the journey of life richer. In order to live in the dimensions of emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical, you will have to begin to live in process.

Reconnecting with what has been forgotten or moved away from requires intention to do so. The desire to live fully alive has to be conceived first as a need. Many people reach the ages of 35-50 and start to ask if they are missing out on something. If they ask that question, they are searching for more. More is not going to be found outside your self. More is found from working inside out. Getting in touch with your inner being is the beginning of living in process.

Connecting with life through the scientific or through facts and information is not being fully alive. Living in that manner is moving through life with an exterior connection to things and people at a surface level. The experience of relationships alone must be lived in process with them in the physical, emotional and spiritual realms. The deeper experiences of life and things that grow and mature us need time and process. Living in the wholeness of ourselves is about taking responsibility and ownership for our lives.

It is possible to begin to take an accounting of your life right now and ask if you feel you are living in process. For example, ask:

Do you feel you have grown and matured since you left your family of origin? Have you become your own person?
Have you experienced life differently from the way in which your parents did?
Are you living in the present connected to those important people in your life with healthy relationships?
Do you feel alive and excited about what is happening in your life or are you focused on the past or looking for a better future?
Do you see life as a journey that is giving you more maturity, wisdom and a deeper sense of the spiritual?

Take time to ask yourself other questions that are about living from the inside out and taking time to reflect and process on your reality. Write about your growth stages.

Blessings,
Susan

EMOTIONS: DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT THEM

When I think of emotions, I think of a state of being. When I think of feelings, I think of how I make meaning out of something or how I perceive a situation. When emotions, such as sadness, are coupled with confused thinking and too much adrenaline, our feelings cannot be trusted. They will be out of control and we may act in a frenzied way.

We need to learn to let emotions of any kind be run through a purification system in order to get to our real feelings. If we are codependent or trying to control others, it will be hard to trust that our feelings are pure. They will be true to us, but not necessarily pure. If we act out of confused or distorted thinking, our actions will be reactive rather than based on authentic responses.

This is why it is important to take responsibility for your feelings and work through thinking so that emotions can give you true perceptions of how you really feel. When you are unclear in your thinking or confused, perceptions tend to get muddied. They may not be reliable. When you work through tough problems and unresolved issues, you will have a much clearer assessment of what is going on and can trust your feelings.

It is time for you to relearn the skills of discernment and intuition. If you have had trauma or struggles with intimate relationships, you will need to do some inner work on your own experiences. Connecting with Higher Power awareness and spirituality can bring sensitivity to truth and honest insight. During this time, you can journal your thoughts and feelings and find out what is right for you and begin to trust your heart.

The emotions and range of feelings will begin to expand as you take them with you in an honest way. You will begin to feel alive and led by love of self and God. You can learn to trust your point of view and observe situations from a healthy perspective as you allow others to have their own views as well. Feeling alive in your own self allows you to give permission to others to be alive in their own ways.

This is a process and will not happen overnight, especially if you have been codependent and viewed your world from the perspective of others or how they defined you. If you had parents that were critical or were in abusive relationships, you may have given away a lot of your personal power and connection with your emotions. It is time to begin to take back that ground and not leave home without it.

Awareness and observation are the first steps to living in your feelings and being able to trust their reality for you. Wait and do not operate out of confusion. Try not to leap to anything and be reactive, but if you do, let those reactions lead you to discover your true feelings. Why did you react in an angry or sad way? What were you really feeling? Once you ask yourself these questions, you are getting keys to what is going on with you. You will begin to feel new awareness and a sense of being alive. You will start to experience intimacy with God, yourself, and others.

I encourage you to begin today to seek this path. Get in touch with your emotions.

Blessings,
Susan

PEARLS OF GREAT VALUE

I own a string of pearls that was given to me by my husband. I have quite a bit of jewelry, but this necklace is very special to me for a couple of reasons. My husband purchased it while he was serving one year in the army in Viet Nam. That was a difficult year of separation for us and I have always treasured the memory this string of jewels provides. Another reason for it being very prized by me is its monetary and symbolic worth.

I believe a pearl symbolizes something that comes from pain. A pearl is developed in nature from an irritant within a mollusk. The oyster or other ocean shellfish coats the irritant with a beautiful covering over the course of several years. Therefore, a pearl is born and created at a great price over a considerable period of time.

Pearls of wisdom are like that for me. They have been formed at a great price and come from the suffering I have experienced or from the suffering of others. I gained many of my pearls of wisdom from the life and words of Jesus who suffered a lot. I also have gained a lot of my wisdom from the experiences of my clients as they share their personal agony. My own suffering has afforded me familiarity with painful things fashioned at a great price as well. When I use these “pearls”, I have learned to use them wisely.

There is a verse in the Bible that speaks of not throwing your “pearls” before swine (Matthew 7:6). A pearl in ancient times was greatly valued. I am interested in what it means “not to give” your valuable gems of wisdom or what you have learned in a sacred way, to those who cannot hear those gems. The Bible says they may turn it around against you, trample it under their feet, and tear you to pieces (Matthew 7:6).

I have some ideas on what my view of what it means to not throw away pearls of great cost, but I would appreciate a sharing of your views on this one before I give my interpretation.

Please feel free to share an anecdote, example or your opinion.

Blessings,
Susan

Cutting the Approval or Acceptance Cord

The recovery from parental rejection and the defenses erected around that root can be a long process. Breaking down walls of coping mechanisms that we are using long after they are needed is tedious and takes time. The walls are so thick that you may not even realize they are not part of the real you.

One of the main responses to parental rejection is the need for approval and acceptance from others more than paying attention to what you actually need. A person operating in this mode will be very tuned into the needs of others. They may even try to meet the other’s need even before they ask for anything. Living this way causes a person to lose touch with their own needs and will often favor the needs of others over their own.

If you are craving approval and acceptance from others, you are at risk for losing a sense of yourself and your needs as well as your identity. Putting another ahead of you causes you to be out of touch with yourself and unable to experience true intimacy with others and God. It is not possible to make yourself vulnerable (which is required for true intimacy) if you are busy living outside yourself in relationships.

In addition, a focus on the needs of others over your own can become very manipulative. If you look at the motives behind this kind of behavior, it is really about making yourself look good so others will like you. You create a false person that always needs more of a “fix” to feel good about yourself. Consequently, the purpose of your willingness to do kind things for others or meet their needs is driven by your own selfish addiction to acceptance and approval.

Relationships like marriage then become very controlling and not authentic. It is impossible to be emotionally honest at the level needed in an intimate relationship if one or the other of the partners involved is practicing getting acceptance by doing what they feel the other wants. It may be a partner will feel smothered because they did not ask you to do anything to gain their approval. If you are the approval addict, you may resent all the things you are doing and not getting the credit you crave for all you do. It just becomes very scheming, confusing and not real, and, of course, painful.

Go back to the last blog and ask if you have some unresolved issues of rejection that are lurking within you. Then, ask yourself if you need to cut the cord of approval addiction.

Blessings,
Susan

The Storm Within—Rooting out Rejection

Rejection from parents is often at the root of lack of intimacy with others. If you are experiencing some storms in your relationships, it could be coming from within you. It could also be about the other person’s issues with rejection, but you need to check out your own “roots” that might be adding to the problem.

Rooting out destructive messages that may be causing some reactive responses in your relationships with others is really important work for you to do. Parental rejection messages can cause you to feel badly about yourself and force you to go outside yourself to seek love. It can also force you to learn at an early age to find others to replace the lack of love you are experiencing in those first relationships with your parents. Years of doing this can condition you to depend on others to define your worth and value.

If you are feeling stormy within or in your relationships, it may be that you have some roots of rejection that are filtering the ability to give or receive love. You can go back and sort through your own roots and ask yourself if you were given messages that felt rejecting of you as a child. It might even be that you had to be perfect or took on a role for the family that was not really you or was above your age capability. If you feel that was communicated to you in any way by your parents or other authority figures, root it out and replace it with a truth that you know about yourself.

You will need to recondition old “voices” from the past with new affirmations that you know to be true based on your reality. Affirm that you are not perfect, but note the good qualities you do have. If you are out of balance even in your good qualities, check to make sure that is not a message that was communicated to you in order to bring honor to the family. It may be that you are overly responsible and feel good that you are, but it is actually wearing you out. That means you are out of balance and need to adjust what is your responsibility and what is not.

Calming some of the inner storm stemming from roots of rejection will help you feel more peaceful in your outer world and especially in your closest relationships. You can begin to live more freely in the real you without the rejecting messages from within and not accept any coming from external sources.

Blessings,
Susan

Shed the Shame

I have been thinking of how much shame affects us. It is at the core of our being like a director orchestrating everything. In my opinion, shame is the major source and foundation for all our thoughts and behavior. It seems like we organize everything around our shame stage and play out the drama of our life on it. Soon, it feels like we are not just an actor in the shame, but the shame IS us masking our real self. Who are we without our shame?

Have you been hiding under a mask that is called Shame? If so, you may feel you can never remove your mask and defenses for fear others will see your shame. Just like the Phantom of the Opera, you are disfigured under that mask and dare not show your real “face.” You may be hiding in fear that no one will love you if they know the truth about you. The truth is that the real you under that mask is the beautiful person waiting to be seen without the mask of shame.

Shame is the worst mask of all because it forces us into hiding of ourselves. As the years roll by, we live undercover and reject our own self. The shame keeps us locked in our own prison of rejection. Inside this place of confinement, we crave an intimate relationship, but we sabotage true intimacy through our own rejection. We cannot give and receive love because our real identity is hiding secretly behind the scenes.

Your stage of shame is set with unhealthy relationships and a costume that doesn’t fit you anymore. Shed your shame. It was a costume you were never meant to wear and doesn’t fit the real you.

What can you do to unmask that shame and reveal your true identity?

Blessings,
Susan

Out from Under the Influence or Doing the U

I have posed the question about what you may be under the influence of in your life. It is my hope that all can see that we are all under the influence of something or someone. You were born into a family and that was the first influential system you were under. The only reason to investigate deeper into that system is so you can detect the patterns and behaviors that influenced you to see if they fit with your inner self. You will always have influences from all your past and present because to do otherwise would force you into becoming a hermit. Assuming you do not want to be any kind of a hermit, especially, an emotional hermit, I will revisit the idea of loving yourself first which I mentioned in an earlier blog.

Loving yourself well requires that you really know how to esteem you and self care you in all areas without thinking of these acts as selfish. This is the DANCE of the U. You get to decide within balance where you end and others begin. You also get to decide that your worth and value is based solely on that inherent value that is God given and not about anything you “do.” You also get to have needs and wants and get them met in healthy ways. You get to have physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. You get to decide how to meet them in ways that involve others, but you do not have a right to demand anyone else meet those needs. You are responsible for finding the healthy ways and places to get those needs met. You get to make your own decisions and plans in moderation. Loving yourself well means that you can do it for yourself forever whether someone else thinks its okay or not.

Once you have learned to do the Dance of the U, you are out from under the tyranny of the “shoulds” and “oughts” or “musts.” You listen to your inner self and God and see if you want or need to do whatever you do. There will still be things you do out of duty or job responsibility, but relationships mostly revolve around living in truth. Recovery is about living more in truth than lies and illusions. This means being true to your identity and your purpose, not under the influence of what other people think you “should” be doing. If you are living in moderation under the influence of your identity in sync with God or your Higher Power, you will be doing the “right” thing because it is what you are supposed to be doing. It is done from love which you can do forever because it is done out of genuine caring and isn’t burdensome.

This is freedom... coming out from under lies and distorted thinking so you are free to be you. The old influences will still try to trap and trigger you, but you are living more days in freedom than in slavery or wilderness living. Ask yourself what it will take for you to take the steps of the Dance of U and begin to move out from under the influence. Then, begin with some baby steps to do that. I would suggest some really good self care to start.

Blessings,
Susan

Open Blog Saturday!

No topic today. The blog is open for any and all rants, raves, questions, answers, universal wisdom or just plain lunacy.

Step right up, blog your comment and see what happens…

Blessings,
Susan

Under the Influence

What comes to mind when you hear those words?

There are many images and thoughts that come up for me when I hear those words, but I am using them in the context of personal relationships, unresolved issues from the past, thinking, unhealthy behaviors, or things and situations that are keeping you from living free to be yourself. This connects back to the previously posted blog on identity and authenticity.

Living under the influence of other people can be anything from you living outside yourself trying to figure out how you need to act for other people to living in denial and as a false self. It is a painful way to live and has elements of old ways that you used to live in order to survive or get along in life during some “tough times”. Typically, people continue using these outmoded ways long after they need them.

For example, if you are hiding a secret from your past that you would be shamed of anyone finding out, this may be keeping you in fear. You are under the influence of that fear and so you pretend. Pretending doesn’t just stop with that one secret. You begin to pretend about other things or pretend it wasn’t as bad as it was or that it was worse than it was…all kinds of crazy thoughts start spinning around inside your head.

Another example might be that you have an angry reaction to someone over something little. What is that about? What influence are you under? Is it feelings of rejection? Is it some other feeling from something unresolved in the past?

Being under the influence of a person means that you are trying to act in the way you think they need you to act. Being under the influence of other people means that you are always trying to figure out what they need and you try to get that for them or solve their problem for them. Being under the influence of any substance (including food) means that you have to have that substance (in an unhealthy way) in order to feel good. Being under the influence of things means that you cannot live without your possessions or that you obsess about them. Being under the influence of religion means you turn everything into the spiritual realm. Being under the influence of exercise or work or anything else that is immoderate in your life is problematic.

In order to live in moderation and spontaneity, it is wise to check to see if you are out of balance and under anything that is influencing you too much. We all go through seasons where we might have to be out of balance (for example, studying during exam times or new parents meeting needs of little ones), but if it is a lifetime pattern of behavior, it will be impossible to be free to be you. Ask yourself if you are prone to be under the influence of anything in an unhealthy way.

Blessings,
Susan

Moving From Darkness Into Light

I have been thinking a lot about what causes some people to grow and mature and what causes some to stay stuck or in the dark. I know this is a complex topic, but I do believe it is worth spending some time considering.

If you are a person who has yearned to be free from others’ opinions or approval rating, perhaps it is time to begin moving from the shadow others may have cast over you. Often moving into your own personal light space requires letting go of the need for approval. Rejection is common to all of humanity. WE cannot escape it. If you live your life hoping for approval from others and fearing rejection, you will stay in their shadow and in your own darkness to self.

Moving forward in consciousness of yourself may call for a more inward look than you have previously been used to taking. Our tendency is often to look outward to other people and external circumstances to find solutions to our problems. I write a lot about asking yourself what is going on with you and your feelings. This means you must take an inner look at how you feel instead of the “if only” approach that means someone else is responsible for change in order for you to be happy or that circumstances have to change in order for you to feel joy.

Blaming people or circumstances for your unhappiness or anger is about you not accepting things as they are. You need to find ways to move to the light so you can make changes that will improve your circumstances. Some may respond to this as, “but you don’t know my circumstances.” I understand that some things are very difficult and many people are suffering, but accepting things as they are and finding ways to come into the light of your own attitude will help.

Expectations are one of the greatest deterrents to moving from the dark into the light. When people or circumstances do not turn out as you would have anticipated or hoped, we often become hurt, angry, frustrated or have other negative emotions. That is normal. Coming into the light from those feelings of sadness and depressed state calls for growth and leads to maturity. When we face challenges that seem very dark and hopeless, it is often the very thing that will lead us into our most significant times of illumination and higher consciousness to our inner being and connection to what is most sacred.

Ask yourself if you are hiding in the darkness of blaming others, expectations of others or avoiding pain past or present. Think about your greatest obstacles and challenges right now. Are you telling yourself that someone else has to do something or that something has to change before you can change or experience joy? That will keep you in darkness or certainly in the shadows. Moving towards the light requires hope and a way out of this present darkness. Examine your life and your current situation and write down some responses to this posting and these questions. Share them with us.

Blessings,
Susan

Intimacy 101

This is a term that is used in a variety of ways in our society. The dictionary defines it as a “close personal relationship.” Other definitions of the word are used in conjunction with the environment as “a quiet or private atmosphere;” or regarding knowledge as “a detailed knowledge resulting from a close or long association of study;” or in a behavior as “private and personal action or utterance.” Intimacy as an action in our society is often understood to just refer to sexual intimacy.

In order to experience true intimacy in every way, I believe it is important to have an intimate relationship with self. In my view, that would mean you would experience familiarity and closeness with your own being. You would have an understanding and inner awareness of your own identity. I am not sure if most people ever stop to consider this aspect of intimacy or if they first run off to someone else looking for intimacy.

From my perspective, it is nearly impossible to experience intimacy in all of its forms: relationally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, or even sexually without first having some notion of your own identity and being intimate with yourself. I do believe that we often learn and understand ourselves better in the context of other relationships. However, we can be in denial and immature in those relationships if we have not firstly connected with ourselves in a deeper way.

In order to live your life conscious of yourself, you must begin a journey of intimacy with yourself. We are all in denial of certain aspects of ourselves, so it becomes easy to either take another’s opinion of you or make up one about yourself in the way you want to be seen and feel it is the real you. This is usually done to the extent that it was not okay to be accepted as yourself as a child. Often children who are physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused as children will take on roles of who they need to be for the parents or who they need to be in order to survive those times.

The trouble with being in denial and not intimate with yourself is you may be using outmoded behaviors developed in childhood to cope as versions of what you believe to be the real you. For example, if you developed a hero role in your family of origin, you may still be doing that for others and taking responsibility for others in ways that you need not be doing. You may think or even feel you need to be doing these things, but resent them deep in your unconscious.

The problem with lack of intimacy with self is that you live outside yourself and are dependent on others or something other than self to guide you. It also blocks an intimate relationship with God because you are living as you think, not necessarily the way God is requiring. This often happens in many “religious” people. They are actually not spiritual at all as they are closed off from the intimacy with self and also with God. They are living under rules and codes and values that are either of their own making or ones they learned from somewhere outside and not from God.

Begin to think about areas where you may not be intimately in touch with yourself. Are you letting others define you? Are you blaming others for your problems? Are you focused more outside yourself than trusting your inner being? I will have much more to explore about intimacy in future blogs, but I would like to hear your feedback on the topic in any form that this one has generated.

Blessings,
Susan

Got Questions?

On ocassion I want to break away from the topic that is currently under discussion and open up the blog to general questions or concerns. I know some of you may be struggling with an urgent problem and would like to air it and invite responses. This will more likely happen on a weekend when I have more time to also respond myself to your questions.

Please limit the posted questions to TWO. If two have already been posted and you still want your question addressed, please send it in an email and I will post it at a later time or consider it for a full blog topic.

The more discussion by all, the greater the benefit to all. JOIN IN - I assure you there will be others with the same questions and concerns. Even if the topic doesn't "fit" you, your insight will still be valuable.

Blessings, Susan

Triggers and Overreactions

Emotional Triggers and Over Reactive Behaviors Can Be Powerful clues to uncovering some of our hidden identity and exposing unresolved issues that need healing.

One of the first steps in waking up to your identity and authenticity is to develop an understanding of “triggers.” Triggers produce the reactions you have to others that “push your buttons” and “set you off.” Triggers usually take us out of adult mode and into a more childlike form of ourselves. We know we are not grounded in our adult, but often cannot stop our reactions or over reactions. Literally, our mood shifts “just like that.”

Triggers and our reactions to them are things we really need to pay attention to because they give us clues and insights into memories, experiences and wounds we encountered as children that are still either unresolved inside us or situations that we never got to work through as children. Adult relationships allow new opportunities to do that if we begin to pay attention to our triggers.

The triggers and our reaction to them are about our inner child letting us know something is wrong inside and something is bothering us in a significant way. Instead of making it about the other person and their behavior, first ask yourself what is really going on with you. For example, if you have a boss who is intimidating or shames you and you just “can’t stand it” and over react each time he/she pushes your buttons, you need to ask yourself what you are feeling and when you first remember feeling a similar way. Chances are a memory from childhood or an earlier time will pop up. This is an unresolved issue. It could be that your older brother or kids in the neighborhood bullied and picked on you or maybe a parent, teacher or coach intimidated you and you had no way to protect yourself against that behavior as a child.

The next time you are emotionally triggered, instead of using fight, flight or freeze, take responsibility for your reaction and your part in the problem. Then, revisit the situation later when both you and the other person are in your adult and try to work through a resolution and share what made you react so strongly. When we can talk through things and stay adult about our emotional triggers and reactions, we experience growth opportunities and the chance to change our reactions into healthy adult responses.

When both parties stay in their wounded, child reactions and blame each other, it results in the same old patterns being repeated and zero growth or maturity is practiced. Our unresolved and hidden wounds of the past often rise up in our closest relationships and can grow into resentments against those people. In fact, it is often our inner self that we are ignoring.

Pay attention to your own inner being and your feelings because they are the key to knowing and growing into a more authentic you. Start by observing yourself when you are triggered or someone pushes your buttons. Notice the physical feelings your body experiences. Examine your behavior and monitor how you are feeling emotionally. Do you have a lot of rage or strong anger? Ask yourself what is really going on inside of you. You may want do some journaling to process through times in the past when you have had similar reactions.

Feel free to share any experiences you have had with triggers. What “sets you off”?

Identity and Authenticity

The topic this week is about not hiding your true self and loving all parts of you. Part of the ability to be able to do that requires awareness of self and identity. Many people tell me in the course of therapy that they have no idea who they really are and what their identity is all about. To me, this is very sad and I can even think of a time when that was the case for me.

The idea of discovering your true identity and finding your authentic self is the best course you can set for yourself. Living up to someone else’s reality of who you need to be or living with a mask on that you created because you fear not being accepted as you are or thinking that a false self is a better person than the real you, is an insidious way to live. It makes no sense.

Begin to think about the real you and how far away from that person you are and what it would take to allow the freedom to be authentic. It is a journey that is not just about moving from where you are now to a new place or point on a line. It has aspects that are woven among the three parts of your being which are physical, emotional, and spiritual. True knowing of your self and identity will require knowing how you are known by your Creator which in turn means you must know the Creator of your being. You are more than a bunch of cells with a unique DNA. You have a spiritual being that connects to the physical world and your feelings and emotions.

As you consider your own identity, try to focus on the fact that you have inherent worth, are deeply lovable and are loved by God. If you can accept and affirm yourself in that paradigm, you can begin to accept yourself as you are and get grounded in your reality. If you have lived in the shadow of someone else’s reality of you, it will feel strange to give yourself permission to begin to live in your own reality and the things that matter to you.
It is possible that you are living in some self deception. Regardless of denial or self deceptions, you still need to start with things that matter to you and the way you see life. You can work on distortions with the help of God and other wise counsel. Be committed to stay true to your view of those things that are important to you.

It matters who you are and how you feel. It matters what you think about things. Ask yourself these questions: How do I feel about _____________? What am I feeling right now? Discover your likes and dislikes. Meet with God and ask for truth about yourself. There is no substitute for prayer and seeking help to discover these core issues of self. Read books that talk about identity and self awareness. Find a group or a good therapist that will help guide you into the process of unmasking or coming out of hiding. Many times people go into hiding to protect themselves from past trauma and/or traumatic situations and they don’t come out without professional help.

Reply today with responses that talk about identity and ways you have either worked through some of these things to find your true self or post questions you might have about the process. Just generate some messaging that explores this whole issue of how we gain self awareness and learn to stay grounded and free to be our authentic self.

Loving Yourself as a Gift

Extending the theme of new beginnings and a new year, I want to ask for participation in the topic of loving yourself. To me, you cannot love others without first loving yourself. There are so many people who would view this as downright selfish. This is especially the view in Christian or other religious circles. In those arenas, it is not popular to think highly of yourself because it is seen as pride or self centeredness. This teaching says that you “should” consider others more highly than yourself or that you should just consider others first - period.

Somehow, that thinking does not seem right to me because I do not see how it is possible to feel genuine heartfelt love for another without feeling love for who you are as a person. You should feel the law of self worth and esteem yourself as a worthwhile person, worthy of love. If you believe that you have a Creator, a Higher Power, or God who made you in the image of Himself, why would you not believe you are lovable? You were created and placed on the planet with just as much worth and value as anyone else. That means that you are worthy of love and that Something bigger than you gave you that inherent worth and value. Once that is established in your inner being, you can love the uniqueness of you without hiding or being ashamed of who you are, including your character flaws.

If you begin with this love of self in a healthy way, you can work inside out and be able to love others. Jesus said that one of the two greatest commands is to love others as “you love yourself” which means to me that you would first need to love yourself. In order to love yourself, you also have to know who you are and come alive to a deep knowledge of your own self. No matter what your religious beliefs, your identity is key to mature spiritual growth.

A basic need is to love and care for yourself. If your parents or teachers or others who had influence on your early life development did not encourage or nurture you to love who you are and to teach you that you are special and unique, you may have pushed self love away by acting the way others expected you to behave. Partly, that was okay because we all need to fit into societal norms, but the other part was not okay because it taught you to “cover up” or not accept all of you. It may even have taught you that only your “good” parts or your strengths are lovable.

If you grew up with rejection of parts of you or even all of you, it taught you to reject your own self in favor of others. It also caused you to not love yourself because your basic human need to be loved and accepted for who you are was denied. People who have had this rejection as children nearly always go through life attempting to have others meet these needs. They do not realize they are rejecting themselves just as the influential people in their lives rejected them as children. They also do not realize that the ability to meet the need of being loved could be met by themselves.

Lack of self love usually takes a toll on relationships in the form of depending on others to meet your unmet need for love. It is actually more selfish because the expectation follows that it is the responsibility of someone else to fill the emptiness inside of you. That is not the job of any other person on the planet. That is the job of your Maker and you in an intimate relationship with each other. After that, you move out to fulfilling relationships where there is a mutual giving and receiving of love. Of course, it is necessary to find your source of self love from the unconditional love of God. The Gift of loving yourself must first be opened and received as a gift from your Creator. It is an intrinsic part of your inner being.

Loving yourself also requires that you love ALL of yourself, not just those good qualities that you admire or the ones you self created. Loving yourself means accepting the angry and unloving components because in those you will stay humble and know you need a God bigger than you to transform those weaknesses into more loving behaviors. If you split off the parts you deem flaws or bad and don’t allow them to be changed into more loving responses, you will not be whole.

You will meet many people who seem to be one way at home and a completely different person with others. That is a person who is split. They are acting and presenting who they want or need others to see outside their intimate circle. Inside with intimate relationships, they may act the opposite. This is often referred to as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome.
Another way to tell if someone is not loving their whole self is if they are over reactive to certain situations or are easily triggered into extreme behaviors (for example, raging).

You must begin to learn to give yourself the gift of accepting and loving yourself just as you are and admitting that you have faults and weaknesses. Affirm that you are a work in progress or on a journey that will never be complete until your life on earth is over. You do not have to change you overnight (nor could you even expect to do that), but you do have to admit that you need to make changes. That is the first step. What most people do, however, is to either change to the other extreme or get rid of having the issue at all. For example, if a person is dealing with anger, they will often go to never allowing themselves to get angry or they will dump all their anger out on others saying it is just the way they are and you need to accept them as they are and love them that way.

A healthy way to deal with weaknesses is to first admit them. After that, ask for help from God to change them into more acceptable forms and to know what is at the root of the weakness. In the example of anger; it is okay to be angry, but it is not okay to dump it on someone else or vent it out to them. It is okay to ask what the anger is all about. Anger is a friend that tells you something is wrong and it is usually about unmet needs or buried feelings that are unresolved. That is why you need weaknesses. They help you grow and mature and love yourself through that process. Being a friend to yourself is the best gift you can give.

Starting today, as participants, begin to find ways you could love yourself more in a healthy way. Please post messages in reply to this about the topic of self love in general as well as how you feel it might apply to you personally.

Blessings,
Susan

In the Beginning

In the beginning, hiding began. Where do you think the notion of hiding yourself or your bad behaviors came from? Who taught you that you were doing something that needed to be hidden?

This is my topic today. I am posting hiding as one of the basic notions that causes problems in relationships. I am talking not just about relationships with others, but also with yourself. If we hide our weaknesses or things about us that we feel are defective or character flaws, do we not hide them from ourselves (over time) as well?

I have noticed that people like to present well. For the most part, they like to be liked and have others think highly of them. I think this is a need for most of us. If we are ashamed or self conscious about something and it bothers us, we may try to cover it up, like a cat in his litter box. Even after covering, it still has an odor. We may try to act differently and may even pretend we do not have that problem even though it still lurks beneath the surface. I do feel this is at the root of many relationship issues.

Not liking or admitting to a weakness and trying to run and hide from it will always lead to problematic behaviors. You need that weakness and that character defect to be admitted and worked on, not hidden. If you do not, you will either project it onto someone else or develop self loathing in order to deal with it. Neither one of those strategies is healthy.

A lot of people try to recreate themselves into who they would like to be. They may either compare themselves to someone they think has it all together and adapt some of their behaviors or they may act in a fashion that creates an identity that is acceptable to others around them. This is usually what happens during childhood. A parent is unhappy with a child acting in a certain way so the parent tells the child how they “should” be acting. This is okay as long as the parent is healthy and is giving wise and healthy parenting advice. The problem is that most of us have our own flaws and when they show up in our children, we try to stamp them out without finding what is causing the behavior. For example, if you have a child throwing temper tantrums and turning themselves blue from holding their breath, you do not throw water on them until they extinguish the behavior. If you do that, you will most likely stop the behavior, but that child will learn it is not okay to have angry feelings or will not learn to deal with them in a healthy way.

It is important to admit our character defects and not hide from them. Creating a new identity is not the issue. Learning about yourself and finding your true identity is the issue. This calls for self awareness and being conscious of your actions.

Hiding our true self and presenting a false self or a fake identity blocks intimacy. Relationships suffer when we are not free to be ourselves due to cover up and shame. It also leads to addictions and compulsive behaviors. This is because hiding a dark side or a character flaw is hard to maintain if you are living a fully awake, conscious life of sobriety. Deep down there is a wounded self yearning to be free and in a lot of pain. That self will need to be deadened in some way. There are numerous things people use to cover pain such as work, alcohol, drugs, religion, shopping, relationships and so forth.

As you begin this New Year, begin with you and ask yourself what behaviors you might be hiding that you do not like. Beginning with yourself is the best place to start when you are looking for help, no matter what the situation. It is important to get honest with yourself and have the desire to take a candid assessment of your own behaviors and how you respond or react toward others with whom you are in close association. I cannot stress this part enough. If you start with others and what they are doing, you will be working backwards. Starting with yourself is the place to begin because the rule of thumb in therapy is: You cannot change others but you can change yourself and your responses to others.

The Serenity Prayer is “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” Many of us have spent our life trying to be someone we are not. Addictive/compulsive behaviors may be an attempt to escape from our true self because we do not really like who we are as a person. This is not the answer. The answer is to begin by believing that we are enough just as we are and to accept yourself with the idea that you are not going to stay stuck in old patterns that are destructive and that you can be free to be yourself.

Separating and hiding from your inner being because you carry shame and guilt of who you are is something that needs to change. It promotes self hatred and you need the opposite of that. You need self love. You are a unique and beautiful masterpiece that may have coverings that are not as beautiful as the real you. There have been valuable paintings found that were covered over by a not so good painting because someone wanted to reuse the canvas. You are that masterpiece that either you or others have covered over with hiding and shame of the real you.

Let’s talk about what you are hiding and why you think you need to hide. Let’s talk about shame and self hatred and feelings of “less than” or trying to be “better than.” Let’s talk about who you really are and how you can uncover your true identity. What are your thoughts on hiding? This forum is a good place to get honest with yourself and others about when you went into hiding along with what you are hiding about yourself from others. Let’s also talk about how others respond to you with your weaknesses. Do they accept you just as you are or do they want you to be someone else?

Please post your feelings about the issue of hiding and pretending and how you feel they block intimacy with yourself and others.

Look forward to tomorrow when I will present the idea of loving yourself and why it is not only not selfish, but imperative that you learn to do it.

Blessings,
Susan

New Beginnings

When I think of starting anything new, I obviously look at where to begin. Since this is a new venture for me, I need a beginning. I thought I would let you know first of all the “why” and “what” of this blog and the “where” it is headed as to goals and purpose.

The “Why” of this blog is a combination of my own personal journey into emotional healing and wellness and my professional journey as a therapist in working with emotional healing and healthy living. This is the foundation for each blog that I will post. I have personal experience with a lot of the issues I will write about as well as professional expertise as a licensed counselor helping others achieve their own personal growth goals.

In the past, I have led groups that support people going through rough patches or dealing with tough issues in their life. I do not have the time right now to lead any groups due to my large case load of clients. For this reason, I decided to post a daily blog to help fill the void that group dynamics often satisfy. It is well known in the world of good mental health that group involvement can be healing and nurturing like no other forum. It is my hope and dream that this blog can help support and engage participants in a similar way.

It is important for my readers to know that I do have a strong spiritual center as well and I believe that it is important to listen to that inner leading to follow the things that God has put on my heart to do. That is part of the “why” of this blog as well. If you have ever been involved in a 12 Step Recovery program, you know that the 12th step is the one where you pass on the message to others that you have received from your own spiritual awakening. I know I was asleep to many of the issues and behaviors that I will post so I hope that others will wake up or be enlightened through these daily posts.

The “what” of this blog is a bit broad and not even totally clear to me as I begin to create. I only know that it will be a combination of topics that are currently important to you, the participant. I will be using topics that come up to most people who come to counseling such as addictive behaviors, anxiety, depression, traumatic experiences and how to move through them, grief and loss, how to deal with problematic and controlling relationships, life stressors, and a host of other subjects that all of us as humans need to grapple with and face as we move through the seasons of our lives. I am interested in your postings and feedbacks so that I can hear what your needs are. That is how I will decide what to consider in addition to the areas I am already planning on addressing.

I also have a book that I am working on called “Free to Be Me” that will be a part of future blogs. Please look for inclusions from that because they are also part of the foundation I am using for the daily posts. “Free to Be Me” is about leaving codependent behaviors behind and moving on into the person you are meant to be without being under the influence of others to decide that for you. It is really good and very liberating and I am excited to present some of the chapters to you on this blog.

The “where” this is headed really is about my purpose and goals along with what you need and what you post interactively. I am usually pretty good at sensing others’ needs and following up on those. Please reply to postings whenever you feel prompted to do so. I can assure you that if you have a response, comment, or message of your own, it will help someone else. That is the main purpose. This blog is not about me as much as it is about you and I mean that collectively as well as individually.

On this first post, I am hoping that you will be excited with me to take the blog journey to find good therapy and what others are thinking and feeling and that this will engage you. I am also hoping it will encourage and uplift you like a daily dose of sunshine. Obviously, some topics will be hard, but that is how we grow. We face and confront difficult areas of ourselves and our relationships and gain amazing nuggets of how to respond to these in healthy ways. We learn new techniques and strategies to overcome and stay peaceful in the midst of the worst of circumstances.

I have seen so much in my personal journey and in the journeys of my clients that is good come out of horrible situations. This is what motivates me to stir up enthusiasm in you that you can find hope and encouragement instead of despair no matter what has or is happening to you. Good therapy and wise counsel does that. It is infectious and can put you in touch with tools and strategies to enjoy your life and experience the freedom to be you and pursue the dreams and desires of your heart.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” I believe that is true, but I would add that the future is also about the reality of your dreams. If you have dreams and desires, they can turn into reality. It has happened to me.

I love that I am starting this in a New Year, 2009. New Years is usually a time that people use to set goals and maybe do things differently in order to become a better person. This blog is all about that. I am hoping to help you get out of old ways. Remember, it has been said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Hopefully, you will learn some new things, some new ways of behaving, and some new choices that will put you on great new paths and out of old ruts.

I also expect that I will learn new things from you. That is the great part of sharing in a format like this. I am full of optimism for this new relationship with you. It may not seem intimate because it is “just a blog” in cyberspace, but I have a feeling that we might develop amazing interpersonal connections. I do a lot of phone counseling with people I have never met and we discover a relationship that is just as close as if they came to a physical office for counseling sessions. I think it will be similar with this blog.

Join me each day as we attempt to accomplish a Blogging Relationship.

Blessings,
Susan