No Fault Discussions

I have been observing a lot about the way people relate to one another lately. I have noticed that often the major way of operating is to blame shift the problem to the other person instead of having an actual discussion or dialogue about a conflict. Life is about conflicts with those we are in relationship with and it happens often with those we are the closest (like spouse, parent or sibling). What is it that causes one person to go to making the conflict the “fault” of the other person? I am not sure that is so much the issue as is our way of communicating during conflict.

It seems that most people who love each other want the other person to think the best of them so it might be hard to admit wrongdoing. Therefore, what if we just took each disagreement or controversy as it happened and tried to just listen to the other person when it wasn’t our turn to talk? What if we made it a habit of never thinking of it as a “fault” of someone, but rather a difference that needed discussing? What if we did not think of it as a battle that someone must win, but rather an opportunity to learn more about the other person and what was bothering them?

Isn’t that just what we often do to people we are “supposed” to love? We start with a presenting conflict and try to address it while underneath we have a lot of resentments built up that we blame the other person for and soon, it isn’t even about the original conflict. It usually goes back and forth in a spin of blame and accusations using terms like “never and always” and pretty soon the conversation is very contemptuous…so hurtful that neither party is willing to talk rationally. This can go on for years and the pattern of insanity is the same, but couples and others in close relationships still continue the cycle hoping to have the other person see their side of things.

What would it look like if we talked to those we are in close partnership with using the idea of NO FAULT? Like the insurance companies in some states do when there is an accident, what if we said there is no fault here and we just shared our experience?

What if both parties said there had been an accident and no one was at fault, but they needed to talk about it so it could be resolved and things could get resolved (not fixed)?

What if the other person could hear our point of view, said they could understand and then shared their view? What if both parties then moved forward without trying to “fix” anything and just said they would do their part and work on what they needed to do?

What if when one person was at fault, they owned up to it knowing there would be no payment because it was NO FAULT (since they couldn’t pay off the debt to the other person anyway because nothing they did would take back the harm done)?
What if the person who caused a problem was having a bad day (or a bad year) and kept on hurting the other person? What if the “injured” person kept forgiving, but decided to stay on a new path so they didn’t keep “bumping into” the person hurting them?

What if every person decided that every discussion would always be about living in the moment and thinking before discussion, “this is about right now and not all the history between us?”

What if we all valued each other as human and precious to us and saw past their character defects and gave them a chance to shine after the “accident” instead of “rebuffing” them time and time again?

What do YOU think about these “What ifs”?

Blessings,
Susan