The Next Adventure of Susan’s Story

It has been a while since my last blog post. I got a little derailed in my own story. It was all I could do to keep up with the pace of the personal and continue daily appointments. Forgive me for the delay, and I may have still have a few more chapters to finish before I get back to my book. In the meantime, I wanted to let you know that my next venture and adventure is ready to be launched (hopefully, within the next year). Here’s the deal.


Life has been one great story of adventure for me. There have been moves to various places that have added symbolism to my Story. The deserts and valleys were my favorite spots. I hung out there a lot and didn’t much like the mountains. The lowlands were more familiar to me. Of course, I am talking about the parallels between all the literal and physical moves I have made from NY to CA that gave depth to the story of my life (emotionally, mentally, and spiritually). Sometimes, it feels like the places of my story were revisited all too often even though I very much disliked them.

I was born in a valley called the Valley of Opportunity, but to me, it was a valley of oppression. I could not wait to get to the Land of Opportunity and freedom. Heading to CA seemed like a good plan for that although it turned out to be more of a Wilderness for me emotionally. Actually, I spent many years in the wilderness of my own story before I reached the promise of a land I have always wanted for my story.

Looking back, I can travel through the journey of my story with its peaks and valleys and rough terrain and count it all joy even though it had lots of suffering and pain. I feel compelled to continue to reach out to all of you as I have been, sharing my story as you so sacredly share yours with me. Story and relationship in story is where I have learned to feel at home within my self. It never has really mattered “where” I actually was residing. What mattered was finding my real story and living in it, not someone else’s idea of what it should look like.

We have made a way out of the wilderness together and many of you have improved your story in so many ways. There are others out there that need to know there is hope, encouragement and freedom to live their own story because that is the Best Story.

We all know we have a story to tell. Even my four year old granddaughter mentioned to me last week that she loves coming to visit me and wants to write a story about it. That was just another confirmation that it is TIME. It is time for the next chapter in the adventure towards helping others find their story while I am finishing mine.

The next adventure for me is in a Field. It may even be built on the theme of a Field of Dreams (if you build it, they will come). I am planning to start a Retreat Center for those still stuck in whatever Landfill they have been dumped. This center will help restore and recover the parts of each person’s story that was been adapted in some way. I want to share many stories of those who awakened to begin living their own story and recover the parts that were lost or scripted for acting a role that didn’t fit them.

I am ready to start the center that will point the way to physical, emotional/mental and spiritual healing needed to live in the truth of their true essence. Helping others find their way through balance in each of these areas of their Being is my dream. My field is the most peaceful spot I have found overlooking the lake on which I live. Coming to the place I am building will be a haven of healing for all who want to live a better story. In my view, their better story is already planted somewhere inside them. My desire is to help them find the way to their own PLACE of authenticity.

My conflict is that I have the plan, the people, the place, even the land and first building, but not enough financial resources to get started. (I even have a contractor and other workers that are ready to start).

One building which already exists, but needs remodeling will have meeting rooms and lodging capability. The other building will be a new building that will have places for people to write, meditate, exercise, and gather in groups. I need help funding exercise equipment and for training a small group of people that will be available to help out. I am willing to start with a small center with room to grow because there is such a great need for it right now. I feel some pressure that it just needs to “get off the ground” as soon as possible. I also need to be able to find a way to balance all my current therapy client time plus do the writing I have for the actual retreats and training manuals. I have already written much of it, but it needs to be edited and that will require secretarial help

I know there will be a way to do the work of building such a place because of the many ways and ideas I see it could be used are never-ending and unique to each person who comes. I also am convinced it will continue on long after my own story ends.

Other than finances, I have no conflicts. The rest of the story has already been authored and finished. I welcome your comments and treasure your prayers for this task.

I invite everyone to visit a site that may well be a help to me in accomplishing my goals:
www.donmilleris.com/conference

Here's a video about living a better life:

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.


Blessings,
Susan

Resentments Continued

I have had such a great response to the last blog on resentments in my counseling practice, I was asked to write a little more on the subject. In general, resentments are about immaturity. I believe that is because much of the resentment is really tied to an old memory of a similar hurt feeling from childhood. That memory is stored unresolved and when it is triggered, a new resentment piles in on top of the old ones. It is imperative to take inventory and find the root of the feeling memory in order to stop stockpiling resentments. If this is not done, the process of these negative saboteurs continues…

A resentment held towards someone is having a need and entitlement to “get even” or punish another for perceived or real blows to self esteem that causes us shame about ourselves. The need for payback becomes more important than letting the resentment go. Over time, the resentments that are similar get put in the same place and the pile grows.

Resentments will typically sabotage any opportunity for healthy healing for the relationship, but in addition, will sabotage future relationships. Holding resentment after resentment and putting them into a pile can block intimacy with others. Fear of being hurt again and fear of vulnerability will produce avoidance walls over time. This means there will be difficulty sharing who we are and hearing others share who they are without trying to control the process. It is nearly impossible to hold resentments against others and still be open and honest in any new relationships.

Over time, most people will use some form of negative control to hold relationships at a safe distance. This can be a form of codependence as well where we give ourselves permission to determine the other’s reality for our own comfort and perceived safety.

The PAYBACK of resentment becomes a desire for revenge. In immature thinking, it feels like protection and evening the score is needed before we can move on to getting free of the harm from another. It is an illusion to think that you can sufficiently punish someone for what they have done or make them “pay” you back in some way so they won’t ever do it again. You can never receive enough payment or payback if someone has hurt you in a way that causes you to hold onto this kind of resentment. They could not possibly retrace their steps and undo what has happened just as they could not make up for the harm caused. Only you have the power to let it go so you can grow.

Hanging onto the low level anger about feeling victimized in some way stems from a feeling of powerlessness and low self esteem along with spiritual immaturity. Following the golden rule of “doing unto others as you want them to do unto you” is the mature side of being able to let go of resentments. It is also important to hold yourself in warm regard. Then, you can more easily let go of the things others do to you that leave you with hurt feelings. As you process through the hurt and anger, feel it and then, let it go. You will free yourself from those feelings. Then you will be free to move into more healthy relationships with good boundaries that protect as best you can, but still allow people in to share your real self.

Enjoying life one day at a time and staying true to yourself means you have opportunity each day to start fresh and hold onto yourself and be able to love well without carrying around inner pain caused by someone else. Be free to choose life and peace. Be free!

NOTE: When I refer to “yourself”, I am meaning “your real self”. The “real” you!

Blessings,
Susan

Living Life Without Resentments and Negativity

I have been thinking a lot about some of the major feelings that “hang us up” and those that “set us free.” The dark thoughts that we call negative typically come from a few places. Do the words anger, fear, blame, resentment and worry make you feel a sense of light and joy or do they bring on destructive and damaging feelings that are heavy and depressing? I am sure you answered that they seem heavy and depressing. These are places of defeat and discouragement.

The other side to dark is light with words like joy, accountability, love, forgiveness, grace and mercy. These words typically allow us to feel free and uplifted to the positive side of things. If the positive feelings are more pleasant and helpful in improving our moods and relationships, why do we so often hang onto the negative feelings and blame others for our feelings?

I believe that anger, fear, and blame often get tangled up around resentments from the past. I think that they are centered around a memory of an earlier time or an event where we felt invalidated or unheard and could not get that feeling of value from an important person in our life. Most often, the need to feel valued was also connected to the need to feel loved and cared for and we held an expectation for those feelings.

Over time, many accumulations of these times of not being able to obtain worth and value built up into a deep inner pile of unmet needs. In the present, when the same “feeling of not being valued or loved” is triggered by another, it immediately can put us into that same time and place as if it were happening in the present all over again. Since the human brain is not designed to forget, these resentments cluster together and need to be worked through to resolution in order to stop the blaming and resentment cycle that takes a huge toll on relationships.

You can begin by choosing to list people from your past that you think did you wrong. It could be parents, caretakers, siblings, lovers, and any others. Make two columns on a sheet of paper and list each person and why you blame them. Only do one person at a time listing all the things you can think of that could be old resentments. Take plenty of time to do this as you would an inventory. Take as much time as you need to work through them using prayer and meditation or talking to your counselor about them or any other person you feel would be willing to listen and hear your story. As you work through each one, you can begin to admit that you do not need to carry these with you anymore. You will eventually want to let go of each incident and let the event be released back to that person as you forgive them.

Things to meditate on currently to help the process that are positive and enlightening are:

1. Whatever happens in your life, you are responsible for the response and the thinking around everything that may control your life. If you keep fears and negativities, your life will be lived that same way. If you maintain thoughts and heart feelings of joy and positive ways, your life will manifest the same.

2. Blame and resentment stop you from becoming all that God intended you to be. Your mind and thoughts are the key to unlocking the treasures found in the rooms of your heart. You can build a new life by getting rid of those old memories that are driving the current behaviors and reactions of your life. Pouring a new foundation based on love of self and God will chip away the hardened places of fear, blame, anger and resentment.

3. Letting go is only the first step as you inventory the past hurts. Keeping the area clear and clean is continued each day as you do not allow any more resentments to take hold in those old places. Instead, choose to bless others and remind yourself that they are not responsible for your life. You and God choose your path daily. Follow that Higher Power one step at a time and the journey will be lighter, more upbeat, and optimistic even in the midst of unpleasant circumstances.

Blessings,
Susan

Tips on ANGER that really help

Use It or Lose It

Using your anger in a healthy way means that you do not “lose it” by dumping it on others. When you give it away in an unhealthy or reactive way, or if you over defend or go off on others, you miss the opportunity to use your anger for your own direction. The path to find the best way for anger is to use it yourself.

Steps to do this are:

1. Notice the anger
2. Feel it if the situation allows you a time out and quiet place to do that. If not, contain it until later when you can do this, exercising self control.
3. Ask yourself what this is about and how you are really feeling.
4. Process it with yourself in writing.

Highlights

Keeping your anger for yourself will give you two opportunities. You will get to find a connection to your inner self thus gaining self awareness about what bothers you and why. Gaining self awareness will allow you the high road in all relationships. You get to bypass engaging in power struggles or childish behavior. Better yet, you get to assert yourself and find ways to address the conflicts that you were never able to previously resolve. All relationships will improve with this method of using assertive behaviors instead of aggressive ones to stay present with your own self.

Assertion

Being able to assert yourself when there is a conflict takes practice.

Behaving assertively means that you are exercising your power, influence, and other ways of acting to be more effective in expression. It is not aggressive in any way.

It is a manner of acting confidently in stating a position or a claim. It is about you and comes from being sure of how you are feeling in a situation or about a circumstance. You are self assured because it is about you sharing to be known. It is delivered in a calm, firm and very straight-forward style. Assertion describes to another how you are feeling about the issue or circumstance you are discussing.

If the other person tries to talk you down through aggressive means, you can redirect them to listen to what you are saying and REPHRASE your message.

It is important to listen to the other party involved and validate your position, but you continue to share your statements in a rational and calm manner. Communicating in this style will give you a better chance of resolving the issue that is upsetting you.

More Anger Awareness to Turn into Healthy Ways of Processing It

Guided By Anger


Living your life with Anger as a GUIDE can actually be a good thing. Using all the forms of anger and the ways of expressing it, you can begin to monitor your ways of expressing anger. Once you have an awareness of the situations and patterns that seem to trigger you and your “reactions” or responses to those situations, you can begin to let the anger guide you to inner awareness.


Using an example from your life in the present, ask yourself two questions when you are feeling any form of anger:


1. What is this about?


2. What is the feeling I am currently feeling?


If you cannot identify anything other than feeling some form of anger, take a very deep breath and try again. This time, wait for the answer to come. You will most likely uncover a feeling of some unmet need, some form of disrespect, rejection, or being misunderstood.


Once you identify the feeling under the anger, ask this question: When do I ever first remember feeling this same way? Go back as far as you can remember. This is the beginning of finding a clue to letting anger become your friendly guide.


Directions from friendly fire


Using anger as your friendly guide, let it show the way to new methods of using and channeling your anger in healthy ways. You can journal patterns, keep an anger diary or find other ways to keep track of what you are noticing about your anger patterns. You can also ask others to help you out by pointing out what they see about your anger that is not apparent to you.


It is important to note that if you are rarely angry, you need to also use this method to ask what things might be bothering you and why you are stuffing them. Ask when you first remember not letting yourself get mad.



Looking for directions from anger requires you to be intentional about observing yourself while you are connecting it to your inner being. If you merely spend time just thinking about it and not really getting further to the bottom of those feelings, you will not understand your anger and it will not be helpful.



Quotes:


“People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.” ~Will Rogers


“Take no revenge that you have not pondered beneath a starry sky, or on a canyon overlook, or to the lapping of waves and the mewing of a distant gull.” ~Robert Brault

Blessings,
Susan

Reactive Anger

Getting angry in reaction to what someone else does or says usually brings on a pattern of angry responses that never end well. It especially harms relationships. When people use reactive anger as their response to situations or people, it is most often a coping or defense mechanism that was learned very early in childhood. By adolescence, it became a reaction to all conflicts.


In general, it is used as an automatic survival response when a person is triggered.


Triggering is an instinctive response that is set off inside of a person and is usually reflective of another situation from the past that felt very threatening. It is a familiar feeling, but not necessarily what is going on in the present. This can send the person into fight, flight or freeze mode. When it goes into flight mode, anger is the reaction. Therefore, the person reacting (or overreacting) is not actually responding to the present situation.



Certain feelings arise from deep within the person that they are unconscious of and just take over. Anger then often gets out of control and things are said and done that were never intended had the person been present with self.


Using reactive anger as a way of coping in conflicts is immature, damaging to all relationships, and very self rejecting to the person using it. It is usually followed by feelings of guilt and shame over the behavior used in that circumstance.


Anger Messages


Sending an anger message to another person can be done in a few different ways. Saying something in a hostile, bullying, or intimidating way sends your message by aggressive means.

You can also ignore or shut others out by not speaking to them and avoiding them altogether.



Another way is to use a combination of passive and aggressive behaviors.

Some people also pretend nothing has happened and bury the anger inside.


In Other Words…


Anger has a lot of other words that are all just degrees or synonyms for anger. It is important to note them in order to do your own personal anger checks to see if you are using anger unknowingly in a different form. Most people envision anger as overt, obvious aggressive behavior, but that is not always the case. Anger has subtle forms that seem minor, but still need attending to.

Other words include:


Annoyance, irritation, furious, rage, enrage, outrage, resentment, antagonism, infuriate, exasperate, incensed, sarcasm, crazed, seething, boiling over, frenzied, bothered, frustrated, hassled, disturbed, cross, mad, livid, irate, fuming, nuts, over the top, round the bend, beside yourself, displeased, aggravated, and the list goes on……..


Blessings,
Susan

Anger Series #1

This is the first in a next few series on anger. Please interact and respond to your opinions about it and share your own experiences with anger.


Are you someone who never gets angry? Or, do others say you are angry a lot? Check this list to see any signs for unresolved anger:

*critical,
*blaming others,
*impatient,
*yelling or often raising your voice,
*take out frustrations while driving,
*thinking about getting even or revenge on another,
*obsessing about what others are doing and why they are doing it,
*finding others to vent to,
*thinking others are idiots,
*enjoy arguing,
*defend yourself when someone finds fault with you,
*hard time putting yourself in others’ shoes,
*bitter or resentful of past issues,
*obvious displays of too much anger, or
*avoid conflict altogether.

If you could identify with more than three items on the list, you need to take some intentional action to learn more about anger. If most of the list describes you, you need serious help.

Anger is not the problem so much as it is the ANSWER to light the way.

As a matter of fact, it is the very light you need to find the way into your inner self and discover what is going on there. Experiencing any form of anger (mild frustration to rage) is a necessary part of human emotions. It tells you something is wrong. It is not the anger that is wrong, but what you do with it.

Read "Anger: A Warning Light" in my latest Newsletter edition for more information on how to maximize anger. Look for more “points” inside the Newsletter about this issue of anger.

When you first feel yourself getting angry, stop. Ask yourself what is this circumstance, situation, or person bringing up inside of me. In other words, what am I feeling in response to the situation?

If you understand that anger belongs to you and is not for “dumping” or getting rid of, you will have given yourself a great gift. When people give their anger away, they are actually rejecting a gift that can help inner conflicts.
Owning anger and dealing with it personally can lead to a whole new way of living your life much more peacefully even in the midst of stormy circumstances. It lights the way to healing of many unresolved issues.

Blessings,
Susan

I AM BACK…

Sorry, I have been living in the land of the lost, unaccounted for these past eight months. I have no excuses except the four letter word called, LIFE.

Briefly, my mother needed a lot of help last May when she sold her house and all its contents. That happened in 5/09 (the date of my last blog). After that, the past eight months have been about relocating her and resettling her. It was difficult and very time consuming in every way imagineable.


Then, in July, we also relocated my mother-in-law due to her needs. As of August, 2009, I had both my mother and my mother-in-law living here on my property with the responsibility of caring for their needs. Thanks to my wonderful husband, we survived those times. However, in mid-August, we received bad news that my mother-in-law had Stage 4 Cancer. She was hospitalized and never came back home to us. Instead, she passed away to her Eternal Home.

It has been hard and sad mourning her loss as she was the most wonderful woman and very important to me. The past few months have been good for healing and grieving time. It has also provided the room for my mother to take up residence in the house on my property and use it as her new place. She can visit my dad in the nursing home and I can keep a close eye on her to take care of her needs. Things have settled in to a more manageable place so I can resume this blog.

Thanks for your understanding and patience about this and I hope you will continue to follow the blog. I am sorry that I did not post what was going on with me on the blog. Looking back, I was too bogged down in the mode of survival of trying to manage my professional counseling along with dealing with some very hard personal issues.

Blog Plans:

I am planning on putting up an article from my newsletter (which is available at my website: www.lifehouserestoration.com) every few days. The newsletter is the beginning of facts and information on topics of interest and issues that are important to good emotional health and maturity.

The articles will come up on the blog so that you can have a place to interact with each other and dialogue about them. Interacting this way brings connection with others along with the act of reading the newsletter. I am hoping that bringing together these two forums will work in concert to make the topics a reality to use in your own life.

This is my first post. The second will be forthcoming right along with the newsletter. So, Happy 2010 to you and to me and I am very much looking forward to you coming to visit the blog each time there is a new post and sharing to be known with the post and with each other.

Susan