The Process of Forgiveness

We all have people in our lives that inflict pain on us at one time or another. It can come from a parent, your best friend, your partner or almost anyone. The people that are closest to us are the ones who often hurt us the most. These actions can be in the form of lies, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, abuse or other offenses. Wounds of this kind can leave you with feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment that are difficult to get beyond.

When you experience the damage from someone’s actions or words, you feel anger, confusion, bitterness, feelings of immense pain and other strong emotions that are powerful and difficult to release. Over time, grudges and more hostility around the offense(s) grow and may even cause you to replay them over and over in your mind. Roots of bitterness and a sense of injustice begin to overwhelm you. You may even feel trapped by them. This often leads to thinking it would be impossible to let go of them.

Holding on to pain, resentments, bitterness, anger, or hatred causes suffering in our own lives. Over time, it is our own being that suffers. It takes a lot of energy to keep feeding these feelings. They also bleed over into other relationships and keep us from enjoying the present. This can lead to anxiety, depression, chronic pain and many physical health issues. Lack of forgiveness is also a block to emotional and spiritual maturity.

Practicing forgiveness is a process and is not the same as forgetting what has happened to you. The acts you forgive may always remain a part of your life. It is nearly impossible to forget the abusive behaviors of others, but forgiveness can lessen the hold that memory has on you. It will also help you focus on the other, more positive parts of your life. Forgiveness does not mean that you ignore the other person’s responsibility for hurting you and it doesn’t minimize or excuse the wrong committed.

The first step to forgiving another is to recognize you have unforgiveness and that it is hurting you more than anyone. Gaining awareness of the benefits you will receive and why it is important to forgive is the beginning of letting go. Committing to let go of the need for justice and your role as a victim actually releases control the offending person has held over your life. It means you actively choose to change old patterns and beliefs so that you will no longer define your life by bitterness and resentments around these hurts.

The next steps in the act of forgiveness are about facing the pain and admitting what actually happened and how it has affected you. It will be important to feel the feelings which can be done through journaling or working through them with a counselor. Part of this process may include the need to forgive yourself for any part you have had in building walls of resentment, hanging onto grudges, or hurting others out of your own pain. Writing is very healing during this time as it brings your body into the process so your thoughts connect with the pain in your heart.

The path of forgiveness takes time and is not microwavable, but it is the key to emotional and spiritual well being. It allows you to be free to accept what has happened without the need for the other person to do anything. Continuing to live a life of forgiving others will keep you from carrying unnecessary burdens.

Blessings,
Susan