On ocassion I want to break away from the topic that is currently under discussion and open up the blog to general questions or concerns. I know some of you may be struggling with an urgent problem and would like to air it and invite responses. This will more likely happen on a weekend when I have more time to also respond myself to your questions.
Please limit the posted questions to TWO. If two have already been posted and you still want your question addressed, please send it in an email and I will post it at a later time or consider it for a full blog topic.
The more discussion by all, the greater the benefit to all. JOIN IN - I assure you there will be others with the same questions and concerns. Even if the topic doesn't "fit" you, your insight will still be valuable.
Blessings, Susan
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Hi - I have ongoing conflicts with my mother. Whenever I am with her for any extended period of time, I am triggered and my anxiety levels skyrocket. I think it stems from when I was a child and mother never let me in the kitchen or allowed me to do anything because it was not up to her "standards". Now, it's that the water for tea is not hot enough, the meat is overcooked, the sweater I bought her is not the right color, etc. etc.
ReplyDeleteThese issues "set me off" - it's the same old thing, the dutiful daughter is still not "good enough". I need suggestions on what to do and how to set boundaries with my mother. HELP!
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ReplyDeleteI am really happy to have an opportunity to address this all too common problem. It is the age old problem between a parent and adult child when there is unfinished business.
I am going to answer your question in a limited way because I do not know the details of the history of the relationship between you and your mother. It does sound like there is rejection towards you from your mother. That is definitely unfinished business. It also sounds like your mother may not see you as an adult and might be treating you as a child. Those two things are most likely going on for sure.
In the short term, you can affirm yourself that you are actually who you know yourself to be...a good, dutiful daughter. You can also affirm yourself that no matter how your mom views you, you still are happy with yourself and that view of you does not depend on mom's acceptance. Then, you can read my blog on triggers and over reactions and notice when you are triggered or mom is pushing your buttons. That will give you the clue of the unresolved issue at hand. When you respond to mom, stay adult and know where you end and she begins. Keep your boundaries in tact and share your reality. If mom cannot accept that as hers, you restate it and let her know she is welcome to have a differing opinion, but you have your own view as well.
In the short term, those are the things that will help you. You will have to accept things as they are knowing you may not be able to change mom and that she may not give you what you need and may continue to reject you and sabotage a healhty relationship. That is sad, but you can still mature and grow into the identity that you know to be true. More self awareness and affirming of yourself will help.
Long term solutions would be to enter a recovery program around the losses you are suffering from a mom who can't see you as you really are or to enter counseling to work on those mother issues.
Out of some of these painful relationships can come a fuller and better understanding of yourself so I encourage you to continue on your own healhty journey no matter what mom does or doesn't give you.
Susan
I doubt myself alot. I think that all I have been through I have made up or I have made it bigger/worse than it was. I guess I don't trust myself, my judgement. I have to continue to say, "yes, that did happen and it was as bad as I think it was". I am still struggeling whether to stay in the situation or not. I don't want to but then I hear sermons on commitment, the vows, God being able to handle everything, and I believe all that but then I can see myself being on the "otherside", relieved, not walking on eggshells. I don't know if I really have a question in there, maybe, how do I believe myself that all that I went thru really happened? And what about marriage vows and like my sister in law said, just because God allows divorce for adultrey does not mean I have to take that road. Will I know what to do and when? Thanks
ReplyDeleter
ReplyDeleteI can see this is a tough question and may be why you were not really sure what the question really is...
It seems first off that you need to address the question of doubting yourself and your reality. Your reality cannot depend on others view of the situation entirely. Others have not gone through your same experience. You can ask for feedback and have healthy people in your life to hold you accountable. Self doubt is often out of years of depending on others to tell you how you "should" be feeling or how to act. Trusting yourself because you know what feels right to you inside is always a hard call if you have lived that way.
The term you use "walking on eggshells" tells me that you are very fearful of being yourself in the relationship you are in and that it is not okay to be you. That was never God's plan. You are made to be you with your own thoughts and feelings. If they do not line up with someone else and you are minimizing your own self over their view, that will always leave you dependent on them and questioning yourself.
I believe you will know what to do once you start affirming yourself in your own identity and admit all that has happened to you. Grieve the losses in that reality and ask God to show you what road to take. It is not about depending on others to tell you what decision to make. You can trust yourself because you are placing trust in God yourself, not someone else's version of what you are supposed to do.
Does that help?
Yes, thank you. I can see that it is like a ping pong game in my head with believing myself then doubting myself. I like what you said, God made me with my own thoughts and FEELINGS. I minimize my own self based on what "they" say and "their" view and I can see how that does leave me dependant on them and questioning myself. Thank you very very much
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