This is a term that is used in a variety of ways in our society. The dictionary defines it as a “close personal relationship.” Other definitions of the word are used in conjunction with the environment as “a quiet or private atmosphere;” or regarding knowledge as “a detailed knowledge resulting from a close or long association of study;” or in a behavior as “private and personal action or utterance.” Intimacy as an action in our society is often understood to just refer to sexual intimacy.
In order to experience true intimacy in every way, I believe it is important to have an intimate relationship with self. In my view, that would mean you would experience familiarity and closeness with your own being. You would have an understanding and inner awareness of your own identity. I am not sure if most people ever stop to consider this aspect of intimacy or if they first run off to someone else looking for intimacy.
From my perspective, it is nearly impossible to experience intimacy in all of its forms: relationally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, or even sexually without first having some notion of your own identity and being intimate with yourself. I do believe that we often learn and understand ourselves better in the context of other relationships. However, we can be in denial and immature in those relationships if we have not firstly connected with ourselves in a deeper way.
In order to live your life conscious of yourself, you must begin a journey of intimacy with yourself. We are all in denial of certain aspects of ourselves, so it becomes easy to either take another’s opinion of you or make up one about yourself in the way you want to be seen and feel it is the real you. This is usually done to the extent that it was not okay to be accepted as yourself as a child. Often children who are physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused as children will take on roles of who they need to be for the parents or who they need to be in order to survive those times.
The trouble with being in denial and not intimate with yourself is you may be using outmoded behaviors developed in childhood to cope as versions of what you believe to be the real you. For example, if you developed a hero role in your family of origin, you may still be doing that for others and taking responsibility for others in ways that you need not be doing. You may think or even feel you need to be doing these things, but resent them deep in your unconscious.
The problem with lack of intimacy with self is that you live outside yourself and are dependent on others or something other than self to guide you. It also blocks an intimate relationship with God because you are living as you think, not necessarily the way God is requiring. This often happens in many “religious” people. They are actually not spiritual at all as they are closed off from the intimacy with self and also with God. They are living under rules and codes and values that are either of their own making or ones they learned from somewhere outside and not from God.
Begin to think about areas where you may not be intimately in touch with yourself. Are you letting others define you? Are you blaming others for your problems? Are you focused more outside yourself than trusting your inner being? I will have much more to explore about intimacy in future blogs, but I would like to hear your feedback on the topic in any form that this one has generated.
Blessings,
Susan
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hi,
ReplyDeleteOK. I've been letting others define me. My family in the early years and especially my mother (still today). Now, my husband. I do have a problem with who I am and knowing myself.
So, what can I do? Or better yet, how do I go about changing and getting in touch with my real self? Can you give me some specifics or some references?
“a quiet or private atmosphere;”
ReplyDeleteI like this. As I was thinking about the definitions and the writing, and the conversations Susan and I have had about intimacy vs addiction and other dysfunctional relationships, etc., it dawned on me that in my truly "intimate" (healthy) relationships, which have been rare - I have this quiet on the INSIDE. There aren't anxious side conversations going on in my head constantly about "what does this person want" or "how can I manipulate this" or "what is he thinking about me and is it what I want them to think" or "how can I get him to 'need' me" and so on.
And sometimes it was also me "talking" to me while disappearing into one of those pseudo selves I used to survive with ..."I am the great sex goddess performing amazing feats of carnal pleasure" or "I am pretending I'm with someone else to make this more tolerable" or "what can I do to speed this up and get it over with"... with "this" being an experience I didn't really want at that time with that person but was in it anyway for whatever reason... fantasy that it would last, some "need" of the moment, whatever.
When we were talking about intimacy, what became clear was that in those few healthier intimate relationships I could look back on, there were always times when it was okay to just "BE" in the same space together, whether is was the bedroom or a rowboat fishing or a long car trip... When we were together, I didn't have to constantly be in the static of mental noise about the person, analyzing every word coming out of his mouth or my own, every action, every slight, every small attention or indifference, every aspect of my own "performance" - be it as entertainment or sex or whatever. And when apart, it was okay to live our own lives separately and then reconnect again and bring new ideas and experiences to the shared relationship. I didn't have to be in the other constant mental static - where is he, who is he with, why don't I trust him, all taking up the space that should have been used by me for me to focus on my own goals, my own dreams, my own projects, etc. And sometimes, I was looking to that other person to somehow provide me a passport of some sort to BECOME that me I wanted to be, but all the time, hiding that self from them, even from myself, until the relationship fell apart and I somehow knew, or was pushed, to pull those pieces together and nurture them myself. Almost like revenge.
I think for a lot of us, a lot of our relationships are not necessarily an end in themselves, even though we might be looking for something long term in them... but rahter, many of them are spiritual and emotional classrooms where we recreate and play out our childhood wounds to bring them to the surface for processing and healing. Maybe not within the relationship, but in therapy, or groups during the relationship, or after it implodes. And like a lot of experts say, the easiest kinds of things come up FIRST and as we heal through them, the more difficult ones emerge, the more hidden ones. Who would have ever thought that growing up with an alcoholic father and being molested by a stranger at six would be some my EASIEST challenges - LOL! But in retrospect, they were so obviously wrong, how could they not be "easy"... compared to having to admit how much neglect there was in a house with two parents, how empty the models for "relationships" were, how lacking in communication skills a house full of constant arguing leaves a person for navigating friendships and harmonious love relationships later in life. Ugh.
But that's why it pays to do the work. Each layer of craziness that gets shed lets more light and clarity in to illuminate that real self beneath, the real self that's been covered up in disguises and personas we put out there to protect it. And one of the interesting things about honest self-assessment is that we can also learn, okay, maybe we weren't that unbelieveable, perfect "whatever" that we were trying to be, in our defended self, but maybe we're pretty damn interesting and talented somewhere else. Like Martha says, "it's a good thing." :-)
Lisa
This post is from Tomi (a follower):
ReplyDeleteI love this topic Susan! I have long wanted a deeper intimacy with God, and in recent weeks I have been experiencing Him in ways that I had never been able to in the past. I believe it is exactly for the reason you mentioned above. The very thing I wanted was blocked because I did not know myself and did not accept myself.
Over the past year and a half I have learned more and more about myself, accepted all of it, good - bad and the ugly....although, the good was the hardest part to really accept. Like so many who have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, I knew the bad and ugly all to well. I had to sort out the truth about who I am - not who others say I am. Then, I could begin to see the real Tomi, and get to know her. Part of that process took concentrated time.
It takes time to get to know a new friend, and that is what I was doing. I made lots of lists: what do I like, what am I good at, what do I like doing, how do I feel? I made a commitment to myself. I started treating myself as well as I did my other friends. I actually began to like myself and now can finally really accept God's love. And not just His love but His like.
We say we know He loves everyone but we don't really think He likes us. I have found that now that I know who I am, accept myself, and like myself, it is much easier to see His acceptance and actually have intimacy. It is really cool.
Tomi
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI am struggling with the idea of who I am. I know the person I want to be, the person I portray, but is that really me? Can we pick out the traits we like and claim them as our own?? How do we sift through and decide what is real and what is desired? I know we've talked about this before, but I seem to be uncertain.
Intimacy is a great desire and also can be very scary thought. If you've been rejected before by your spouse, how can I protect myself from being hurt again? Is it wise to keep trying year after year after year?
Thank you all so far for your openness and honesty in your postings. I love the perspectives and the questions. I really want to do more with this topic and make it foundational for future blogs. Intimacy with self is so very key to healthy realtionships.
ReplyDeleteI would comment on Lisa's post. There is so much truth in your post. I really want to comment on a couple of parts of it which I will do in a later blog. It is enlightening and insightful and very helpful to others.
Susan
Profound. (Again.)
ReplyDeleteWorth repeating.
Susan wrote: "We are all in denial of certain aspects of ourselves, so it becomes easy to either take another’s opinion of you or make up one about yourself in the way you want to be seen and feel it is the real you. This is usually done to the extent that it was not okay to be accepted as yourself as a child."
She also wrote: "The problem with lack of intimacy with self is that you live outside yourself and are dependent on others or something other than self to guide you. It also blocks an intimate relationship with God because you are living as you think, not necessarily the way God is requiring. This often happens in many “religious” people. They are actually not spiritual at all as they are closed off from the intimacy with self and also with God. They are living under rules and codes and values that are either of their own making or ones they learned from somewhere outside and not from God."
I wrote about this immature aspect of people spiritually validating their lack of growth and poor treatment of others in another post to Susan's blog.
Wow, Susan. Wow.
Another Wow.
You've helped me get where I am because of this God-given wisdom and insight. You TRULY have the gift of wisdom and counsel, and THAT IS FROM GOD!