I have posed the question about what you may be under the influence of in your life. It is my hope that all can see that we are all under the influence of something or someone. You were born into a family and that was the first influential system you were under. The only reason to investigate deeper into that system is so you can detect the patterns and behaviors that influenced you to see if they fit with your inner self. You will always have influences from all your past and present because to do otherwise would force you into becoming a hermit. Assuming you do not want to be any kind of a hermit, especially, an emotional hermit, I will revisit the idea of loving yourself first which I mentioned in an earlier blog.
Loving yourself well requires that you really know how to esteem you and self care you in all areas without thinking of these acts as selfish. This is the DANCE of the U. You get to decide within balance where you end and others begin. You also get to decide that your worth and value is based solely on that inherent value that is God given and not about anything you “do.” You also get to have needs and wants and get them met in healthy ways. You get to have physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. You get to decide how to meet them in ways that involve others, but you do not have a right to demand anyone else meet those needs. You are responsible for finding the healthy ways and places to get those needs met. You get to make your own decisions and plans in moderation. Loving yourself well means that you can do it for yourself forever whether someone else thinks its okay or not.
Once you have learned to do the Dance of the U, you are out from under the tyranny of the “shoulds” and “oughts” or “musts.” You listen to your inner self and God and see if you want or need to do whatever you do. There will still be things you do out of duty or job responsibility, but relationships mostly revolve around living in truth. Recovery is about living more in truth than lies and illusions. This means being true to your identity and your purpose, not under the influence of what other people think you “should” be doing. If you are living in moderation under the influence of your identity in sync with God or your Higher Power, you will be doing the “right” thing because it is what you are supposed to be doing. It is done from love which you can do forever because it is done out of genuine caring and isn’t burdensome.
This is freedom... coming out from under lies and distorted thinking so you are free to be you. The old influences will still try to trap and trigger you, but you are living more days in freedom than in slavery or wilderness living. Ask yourself what it will take for you to take the steps of the Dance of U and begin to move out from under the influence. Then, begin with some baby steps to do that. I would suggest some really good self care to start.
Blessings,
Susan
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Susan writes from one of her clients regarding being under the influence of codependence and trying to get free from that. Just wanted to share the comment...
ReplyDelete"I am doing pretty well; I am just trying to stay on my feet and be aware of being blindsided. I find that "I can only LOVE....myself and then others, thanking God for his grace and timing - it will all work out". I think that could be the "Codependent Creed!!" lol Codependence can sure be a sticky place and it is a bit like stuck on hot glue - painful and difficult to remove (and heal from). I am taking it day by day and sometimes moment by moment, but there is a lot to be thankful for - like my healthy relationships."
Again, this topic is very timely in my life. "Loving yourself well requires that you really know how to esteem you and self care you in all areas without thinking of these acts as selfish." Just yesterday I asked my sister, "how in the world do I make a decision for me when this decision will hurt others? Isn't that being selfish?" We discussed how our upbringing or our foundation is something we need to be aware of. Because our "foundation" just like an iceberg, you only see a tip of the iceberg but under the depths of the sea is the huge foundation. We were taught to be seen and not heard, that anger is wrong. We were never allowed to express anger because that is not of the Holy Spirit, so thinking of me (as you can see I can also relate to the being under the influence of "religion" when I was younger), voicing my opinion, drawing boundries, I still sometimes feel that I am being selfish. Even though I know that is not the truth. I still wonder how can I make a decision that will hurt others, but will set me free to be me ? I can't see that I am more important than others....again the "foundation" is set there from my upbringing, always put others first. I am praying for wisdom and direction. Thank you for listening.
ReplyDeleteI love this line..."This is freedom, coming out from under lies and distorted thinking so you are free to be you." Wow. I could just meditate on that line alone all day. Coming out from under lies - that is exactly what lies feel like - you are under them and they put such a weight on you. When I realize a truth I feel weightless and free. It is the same with distorted thinking. It is close to truth so we don't know how apply it correctly to our lives. Such as "love others more than you love yourself" um no, that would be "love others as you love yourself".
ReplyDeleteWhen we are under the influence of lies and distorted thinking they are a task master, driving us to do things. As opposed to the truth which sets us free to "be".
I still wonder how can I make a decision that will hurt others, but will set me free to be me ? I can't see that I am more important than others....again the "foundation" is set there from my upbringing, always put others first.
ReplyDeleteIn response to this question, it is important to be true to ourselves first and to know what our motives and needs are at all times in relation to other adults. (Children do require that we put their needs first in protective ways, but even they cannot, nor should they be, protected from all hurts).
It is always important to remember that none of us were placed on the planet to make sure that we live our lives so no one else gets hurt. That would be impossible. Sometimes, the most loving and honest thing to do is to take an action that will hurt someone else.
It would help to hear more details, r, of an example that you have around this question. Would you mind sharing?
I don't mind sharing as it is good for me and it might just help someone else.
ReplyDeleteI have been in a co-dependant relationship with my husband for 30 years. Along with that was his sexual addition that after much godly counsel from Susan, I understood all that and that I was also co-addicted ( I am no longer either of these things)
My husband has had 2 affairs. After I found out about the last one, I felt and immediately saw in my mind the last brick went into my wall and I shut down emotionally and physically from him. We still "get along" on the outside but the whole family knows there is a huge elephant sitting in our living room that nobody will talk about. I have prayed over this decision and really sought God's will and direction and I feel that unless I make a move in one direction or the other, how will I know if God will open or close a door. I believe the time is coming for me to leave. However, here is the dilemma, how can I make a decision for the good of me when I know it will hurt the children and his family. How can that be right? If I am able to endure the relationship and stay, and keep the hurt and damage from the children, why should I leave?
Susan said: "Loving yourself well requires that you really know how to esteem you and self care you in all areas without thinking of these acts as selfish. This is the DANCE of the U. You get to decide within balance where you end and others begin."
ReplyDeleteI love this. We were talking this week and I've been working on writing some screenplays and complaining that my mother's latest thing is that "she always love the theater"... gee, I've known her 51 years, and yeah, she is a drama queen to be sure, but "loved the theater?" oh brother. is she just trying to hog in on something I'M doing? So we (Susan and I) were talking and she reminded me, it's still MY writing, my thing, not hers, but if I want to use her as the incredible resource she could be, well... and suddenly, it wasn't this irritating, annoying "MOTHER" thing anymore, it was this hilarious, fun way to detach from her ... whatever... and maybe even find ways to play with it since I need a couple actors/actresses at some point to work on a video project. While I certainly wouldn't want her in all my work, and doubt she could even understand half of it, the idea of writing a piece "for" her is just so funny and sends me right back into my "me" that now, I actually think it would be fun to do.
A lot of things in life seem like that sometimes, once you get them into their rightful perspective, you get to keep your sense of humor AND distance from things without having to get all anorexic about it either...
What wonderful postings. Thank you, r, for sharing your painful journey. I do know that some of the biggest hurts we face do come from old "laws" that we have placed on ourselves in order to feel we are doing the "right thing." Being under the influence of any "man=made" law will always be a problem for us because it is enslaving.
ReplyDeleteAs Lisa pointed out, once you put things in their rightful perspective, you get to be free. Out from under the influence is freedom. It means getting the "rightful" perspective and coming out of the shadows of your own pride, stubbornness and into the light of choice. Each one of us has freedom to choose within the boundaries of knowing where we end and others begin. It is in that arena that we get to have our own freedom and no one else except God gets to define what that looks like. When we let another or something have that kind of power over us, we are always in danger of destructive behaviors to ourselves. How can another or something else determine our path? When you have the right perspective on this, you put the power where it belongs...between the real "you" and your Creator. Then, you can know the truth and it sets you free.
I want to say 'thank you' to r also for sharing. Your situation sounds very painful and I'm very sorry you are going through this.
ReplyDeleteI understand the dilemma you have in making such a difficult decision. I have also been married to a SA for many years. He is in denial and refuses to deal with his addiction. He has fought me tooth and nail about counseling. Just recently I told him what I needed as far as his recovery and released him to make the his own choices while I sat back and watched. Unfortunately I don't see any movement and am considering my alternatives.
Right now I am not making any move to leave but see that if things don't change that will have to happen some time in the future. This is a very difficult decision to make, especially with children involved. And yes...the extended family too.
There is a lot 'guilt' when it comes to making that final decision to split. But there are a couple things that I try to remember. First, I do not see a separation as the end of our relationship, rather as me making a statement...this is your last chance, I'm not messing around anymore. In my mind, there will be room for reconciliation...but he's going to have to work pretty hard.
Also, I am not the only one responsible for this marriage. He has made and continues to make bad choices. How much of the marriage covenant has he already broken?
And while I can sit here and pretend that is not happening...I know everyone...especially the children...see the elephant sitting in the living room. I have to ask myself, how much more damage am I doing to them by teaching them that it's ok to ignore that huge elephant.
There is so much to consider. Right now I am working on getting healthier and taking care of myself and the children. I know God will direct me on when and where to head in the future. I pray He will give you a clear sense of direction when the time comes.
Wow, Jo, that you so much. Sometimes I feel like I am the ONLY one with my kind of situation.
ReplyDeleteI too have told him that I wanted US to get counseling. He refused. He is tired of being the "bad guy" and somebody giving me approval to leave. This was 4 1/2 yrs ago. I moved on and found Susan (totally God's hand in that) and sought her counsel for about a year. That was/is amazing. The most simplest truths (truths just about being a person) were so profound to me.
He tells me he is not sexually addicted as he was a police officer for 25 years and he has seen sex addicts and he is no where close to them. **Denial**. I have stopped looking for things but the Lord has allowed me to accidently come across a site on his computer that confirms he is still viewing porn....gross porn. So I know that the addiction is still active. I have taken these past 4 yrs to set my boundaries, grow and heal as an individual and now that my last child will be going to college, seperation is what I am condisdering. This decision has not come quickly or lightly. I am glad I have waited as I can see now that if I had done it way back then, it would have been more of knee-jerk decision. I want to do it the right way and I have read recently just what you said. That seperation is like the last statement... leaving the ball in his court and seeing how that year plays out. At this point I can't give my heart back to him. I don't trust him with it or my body as well. I also struggle with what you said, because I learned not to talk about any "elephants" from my upbringing and now that is what my children have seen. I have made a mess of my life.
I really appreciate you sharing with me, the warmth I felt via this blog was like a "blog-hug" and I desperately needed a hug. r
Glad my words were helpful, r. I really do understand how you are feeling, it sounds like our lives are and husbands are very similar.
ReplyDeleteI just shook my head several times reading your comments….do these guys read a manual on ‘How to be an Sex Addict and All the Things You Need to Say?’ I am amazed over and over by the similarities in behaviors from our husbands as I talk to other woman dealing with SA’s.
My husband has the ‘tired of being the bad guy’ syndrome too and is ‘tired of being beat up’ by me and the counselors. He was in group and counseling for a while and according to him, HE did not have the degree of problems all those other guys had so he doesn’t really think he’s a SA either.
I have a book I have skimmed through concerning separation and I think it was very helpful. It is called ‘Should I Stay or Go? How a Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage.’ By Lee Raffel. It gave me a lot of good things to think about. Instead of doing a separation as a knee-jerk reaction, it helps you to have it is well thought out and planned and most importantly with a purpose.
As far as the elephant in the living room. I have been taught (and reinforced all my life) to sit back, be quiet, and not make waves…especially about what I needed or wanted, much less anything glaring like the elephant. As I’m learning to express myself more, I ABSOLUTELY refuse to teach my children that. It is difficult in our home because my husband controls with lots of anger. But I am working hard to communicate with my kids and allowing them to be open about their thoughts and feelings.
I am so glad I could give you a cyber-hug and that we had this chance to connect.