I have been thinking of how much shame affects us. It is at the core of our being like a director orchestrating everything. In my opinion, shame is the major source and foundation for all our thoughts and behavior. It seems like we organize everything around our shame stage and play out the drama of our life on it. Soon, it feels like we are not just an actor in the shame, but the shame IS us masking our real self. Who are we without our shame?
Have you been hiding under a mask that is called Shame? If so, you may feel you can never remove your mask and defenses for fear others will see your shame. Just like the Phantom of the Opera, you are disfigured under that mask and dare not show your real “face.” You may be hiding in fear that no one will love you if they know the truth about you. The truth is that the real you under that mask is the beautiful person waiting to be seen without the mask of shame.
Shame is the worst mask of all because it forces us into hiding of ourselves. As the years roll by, we live undercover and reject our own self. The shame keeps us locked in our own prison of rejection. Inside this place of confinement, we crave an intimate relationship, but we sabotage true intimacy through our own rejection. We cannot give and receive love because our real identity is hiding secretly behind the scenes.
Your stage of shame is set with unhealthy relationships and a costume that doesn’t fit you anymore. Shed your shame. It was a costume you were never meant to wear and doesn’t fit the real you.
What can you do to unmask that shame and reveal your true identity?
Blessings,
Susan
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Obviously being in counseling has been huge for me and having Susan affirm some of the positive things she sees in me. For too long I’ve been living in a relationship that tells me over and over the real me is a whole list of really bad things. So hearing from another source that those things were not true and here is the truth has made a huge impact.
ReplyDeleteIn addition, the work I’ve been doing in group has been tremendously helpful. As I have opened up more and become more vulnerable I’m receiving very positive feedback from others about what they are seeing. They actually like me! And the more vulnerable I am and the more open I am, the more they like me…Amazing! That gives me the courage to step out more and more in group and in different areas. I’m finding it’s a snowball effect.
In addition, in the past when others would compliment me I would dismiss it or even at time think they were mocking me. At some point, I sat down and asked myself, what are the common things, compliments that people give you. You are really organized, you are a really good mother, you are very compassionate and a good listener. Then I asked myself, do you believe that? And reasoned if several people are saying the same thing to you, it must mean something. I thought about it and saw the truth in what they were saying and made a decision to start believing those positive comments.
Finally, a while ago I read somewhere that not everyone is going to like me (or what I say or what I do). I have thought about this a lot and found it to be very freeing. If you don’t like me, that’s ok, I’ll spend my time and energy on those who do. In addition, sometimes the real me will make mistakes. In the past, that would have sent me running back to my shell. But now I try to face up to it and either apologize or let it go. And I remind myself over and over, that it’s ok to not be perfect.
I think the process for me has moved from receiving external confirmation to changing my internal processes. I needed to hear from other sources that I was ok. That helped me build my confidence and start to change my perceptions internally. Now as I grow I am changing my internal voice to accept those good qualities I have and allow myself the freedom to be me without all the restrictions from myself and others.