Misunderstood and Not Heard

I have been doing some thinking about how people misunderstand each other and how things get twisted and not heard. I know all about perspectives and differing viewpoints. I can see that in all relationships and even in national politics. That is understandable because all the parties have so many diverse backgrounds.

What is hard to wrap my brain around is how people in partnership or the same family can be so misunderstood. I know you have all had the experience of saying something and not feeling heard or worse, heard incorrectly. How does that feel when that happens?

When it happens to me, I really feel like trying to repeat myself or maybe even, speak louder in order for the person to be able to receive the communication as I am intending. I have found speaking louder does absolutely no good as I am sure you have experienced as well. The other party will most likely go to their defense or to an intimidating posture or withdraw. None of those will help your self expression to them.

In order for another to understand you, they need to be willing to stay relational with you. If you are sharing (to be known as the speaker) and the person you are sharing with (the listener) goes to defensive posturing or making it about them, you are not heard. You can try to refocus what you are saying and redirect back to yourself or you can let them know this is about you at that moment and not them. It is often hard not to want to track with their mood shift or to follow the new trail they are going down. If you do that, however, you have left yourself.

If you have been in the habit of abandoning yourself when others blame shift or act defensively, that is more about you. Ask yourself why you do that. You may find some interesting answers. It is most likely a pattern of communication you learned long ago and reinforced in your conversations. If you go to someone to let them know your feelings and they make it about them without validating you first, you have not been heard and have no chance of being understood. They are most likely making their own meaning out of what you have said.

Setting good boundaries and keeping yourself intact while staying present with yourself is the healthy way to dialogue with another. Good boundaries would be respectfully redirecting the conversation back to you or letting them know you need to be heard and ask for that need. It is hard to be in conversation relationally with people who are self absorbed. You may not be able to consistently be heard because it is very exhausting to have to constantly monitor whether you are staying with your own thoughts and feelings or getting reactive around their behavior. Only you can decide how to handle those kinds of relationships.

Most people just do not know how to communicate in healthy ways. You need to train yourself to stay present with your thoughts and feelings and not get absorbed in the other person’s energy. You will then be heard and better understood more of the time. You will also observe who does want to hear what you have to say and who isn’t really interested.


Here is an example of a typical “miscommunication”:

Carol: “Bob, I feel you were somewhat dismissive of me at dinner last night.”

Bob: “Well, what you were saying was ridiculous, so how do you expect me to act?”

Carol: “ I was not being ridiculous. I was saying what I think.”

Bob: “Then you should do a little more thinking before speaking.”

This conversation is going down a combative “rat hole”. The issue is Carol’s feeling of being dismissed by Bob. Bob only wants to defend his action and then Carol tracks along and abandons her initial feelings and need to be heard.

Can you see what happens here?

Blessings,
Susan