I have had such a great response to the last blog on resentments in my counseling practice, I was asked to write a little more on the subject. In general, resentments are about immaturity. I believe that is because much of the resentment is really tied to an old memory of a similar hurt feeling from childhood. That memory is stored unresolved and when it is triggered, a new resentment piles in on top of the old ones. It is imperative to take inventory and find the root of the feeling memory in order to stop stockpiling resentments. If this is not done, the process of these negative saboteurs continues…
A resentment held towards someone is having a need and entitlement to “get even” or punish another for perceived or real blows to self esteem that causes us shame about ourselves. The need for payback becomes more important than letting the resentment go. Over time, the resentments that are similar get put in the same place and the pile grows.
Resentments will typically sabotage any opportunity for healthy healing for the relationship, but in addition, will sabotage future relationships. Holding resentment after resentment and putting them into a pile can block intimacy with others. Fear of being hurt again and fear of vulnerability will produce avoidance walls over time. This means there will be difficulty sharing who we are and hearing others share who they are without trying to control the process. It is nearly impossible to hold resentments against others and still be open and honest in any new relationships.
Over time, most people will use some form of negative control to hold relationships at a safe distance. This can be a form of codependence as well where we give ourselves permission to determine the other’s reality for our own comfort and perceived safety.
The PAYBACK of resentment becomes a desire for revenge. In immature thinking, it feels like protection and evening the score is needed before we can move on to getting free of the harm from another. It is an illusion to think that you can sufficiently punish someone for what they have done or make them “pay” you back in some way so they won’t ever do it again. You can never receive enough payment or payback if someone has hurt you in a way that causes you to hold onto this kind of resentment. They could not possibly retrace their steps and undo what has happened just as they could not make up for the harm caused. Only you have the power to let it go so you can grow.
Hanging onto the low level anger about feeling victimized in some way stems from a feeling of powerlessness and low self esteem along with spiritual immaturity. Following the golden rule of “doing unto others as you want them to do unto you” is the mature side of being able to let go of resentments. It is also important to hold yourself in warm regard. Then, you can more easily let go of the things others do to you that leave you with hurt feelings. As you process through the hurt and anger, feel it and then, let it go. You will free yourself from those feelings. Then you will be free to move into more healthy relationships with good boundaries that protect as best you can, but still allow people in to share your real self.
Enjoying life one day at a time and staying true to yourself means you have opportunity each day to start fresh and hold onto yourself and be able to love well without carrying around inner pain caused by someone else. Be free to choose life and peace. Be free!
NOTE: When I refer to “yourself”, I am meaning “your real self”. The “real” you!
Blessings,
Susan
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Resentment is exactly what my husband's issues have always been, his carried them with him a long long time. AND I've always been understanding of those issues. I have momentary bouts with resentment NOW, since I've come into full understanding of being surrounded by control freaks. People who controlled my life directly or in-directly. I believe if one has opportunity and WILLINGNESS for healthy venting it can work. Of course you would need a vessel to vent to,to acknowledge that pain and sometimes we have no one. Writing an email is more helpful than writing in a journal for me, because still it is only I that sees it and reads it in the journal. Through email at least there is someone to acknowledge you exist. Then of course if you go back and read the journal entry at a later date, it will come back to hit you in the face all over again. Short notes do help
ReplyDeleteA momentary resentment is what I faced this past Easter weekend. Family called, family that excluded me for the past 20 years simply because I didn't live next door. At the end of the conversation I mentioned to say "hi" to the younger of my two nephews. My cousin in-law says, "Don't forget Dave!!!" Of course not, that would be inconsiderate or maybe even ignorant, yet it is through her that I and all my children have been excluded from family functions and my son learned he was not family. But it passed, just like all the other momentary resentments that come back to hit you in the face. God helps even if you can't hear his voice. He excepts venting, and I believe he understands.
hi susan, im a former client and found you again. im looking forward to your blogs, thanks!
ReplyDeleteSusan I couldn't sleep tonight and wound up on your site. As usual you make a lot of sense. "Resentments are the curse of the Alcoholic"! As well as the sex addict , co- addict and probably everyone else! As I often do it feels like your wisdom Hits close to home for me.
ReplyDeleteJim