In the Beginning

In the beginning, hiding began. Where do you think the notion of hiding yourself or your bad behaviors came from? Who taught you that you were doing something that needed to be hidden?

This is my topic today. I am posting hiding as one of the basic notions that causes problems in relationships. I am talking not just about relationships with others, but also with yourself. If we hide our weaknesses or things about us that we feel are defective or character flaws, do we not hide them from ourselves (over time) as well?

I have noticed that people like to present well. For the most part, they like to be liked and have others think highly of them. I think this is a need for most of us. If we are ashamed or self conscious about something and it bothers us, we may try to cover it up, like a cat in his litter box. Even after covering, it still has an odor. We may try to act differently and may even pretend we do not have that problem even though it still lurks beneath the surface. I do feel this is at the root of many relationship issues.

Not liking or admitting to a weakness and trying to run and hide from it will always lead to problematic behaviors. You need that weakness and that character defect to be admitted and worked on, not hidden. If you do not, you will either project it onto someone else or develop self loathing in order to deal with it. Neither one of those strategies is healthy.

A lot of people try to recreate themselves into who they would like to be. They may either compare themselves to someone they think has it all together and adapt some of their behaviors or they may act in a fashion that creates an identity that is acceptable to others around them. This is usually what happens during childhood. A parent is unhappy with a child acting in a certain way so the parent tells the child how they “should” be acting. This is okay as long as the parent is healthy and is giving wise and healthy parenting advice. The problem is that most of us have our own flaws and when they show up in our children, we try to stamp them out without finding what is causing the behavior. For example, if you have a child throwing temper tantrums and turning themselves blue from holding their breath, you do not throw water on them until they extinguish the behavior. If you do that, you will most likely stop the behavior, but that child will learn it is not okay to have angry feelings or will not learn to deal with them in a healthy way.

It is important to admit our character defects and not hide from them. Creating a new identity is not the issue. Learning about yourself and finding your true identity is the issue. This calls for self awareness and being conscious of your actions.

Hiding our true self and presenting a false self or a fake identity blocks intimacy. Relationships suffer when we are not free to be ourselves due to cover up and shame. It also leads to addictions and compulsive behaviors. This is because hiding a dark side or a character flaw is hard to maintain if you are living a fully awake, conscious life of sobriety. Deep down there is a wounded self yearning to be free and in a lot of pain. That self will need to be deadened in some way. There are numerous things people use to cover pain such as work, alcohol, drugs, religion, shopping, relationships and so forth.

As you begin this New Year, begin with you and ask yourself what behaviors you might be hiding that you do not like. Beginning with yourself is the best place to start when you are looking for help, no matter what the situation. It is important to get honest with yourself and have the desire to take a candid assessment of your own behaviors and how you respond or react toward others with whom you are in close association. I cannot stress this part enough. If you start with others and what they are doing, you will be working backwards. Starting with yourself is the place to begin because the rule of thumb in therapy is: You cannot change others but you can change yourself and your responses to others.

The Serenity Prayer is “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” Many of us have spent our life trying to be someone we are not. Addictive/compulsive behaviors may be an attempt to escape from our true self because we do not really like who we are as a person. This is not the answer. The answer is to begin by believing that we are enough just as we are and to accept yourself with the idea that you are not going to stay stuck in old patterns that are destructive and that you can be free to be yourself.

Separating and hiding from your inner being because you carry shame and guilt of who you are is something that needs to change. It promotes self hatred and you need the opposite of that. You need self love. You are a unique and beautiful masterpiece that may have coverings that are not as beautiful as the real you. There have been valuable paintings found that were covered over by a not so good painting because someone wanted to reuse the canvas. You are that masterpiece that either you or others have covered over with hiding and shame of the real you.

Let’s talk about what you are hiding and why you think you need to hide. Let’s talk about shame and self hatred and feelings of “less than” or trying to be “better than.” Let’s talk about who you really are and how you can uncover your true identity. What are your thoughts on hiding? This forum is a good place to get honest with yourself and others about when you went into hiding along with what you are hiding about yourself from others. Let’s also talk about how others respond to you with your weaknesses. Do they accept you just as you are or do they want you to be someone else?

Please post your feelings about the issue of hiding and pretending and how you feel they block intimacy with yourself and others.

Look forward to tomorrow when I will present the idea of loving yourself and why it is not only not selfish, but imperative that you learn to do it.

Blessings,
Susan