I have been thinking a lot about what causes some people to grow and mature and what causes some to stay stuck or in the dark. I know this is a complex topic, but I do believe it is worth spending some time considering.
If you are a person who has yearned to be free from others’ opinions or approval rating, perhaps it is time to begin moving from the shadow others may have cast over you. Often moving into your own personal light space requires letting go of the need for approval. Rejection is common to all of humanity. WE cannot escape it. If you live your life hoping for approval from others and fearing rejection, you will stay in their shadow and in your own darkness to self.
Moving forward in consciousness of yourself may call for a more inward look than you have previously been used to taking. Our tendency is often to look outward to other people and external circumstances to find solutions to our problems. I write a lot about asking yourself what is going on with you and your feelings. This means you must take an inner look at how you feel instead of the “if only” approach that means someone else is responsible for change in order for you to be happy or that circumstances have to change in order for you to feel joy.
Blaming people or circumstances for your unhappiness or anger is about you not accepting things as they are. You need to find ways to move to the light so you can make changes that will improve your circumstances. Some may respond to this as, “but you don’t know my circumstances.” I understand that some things are very difficult and many people are suffering, but accepting things as they are and finding ways to come into the light of your own attitude will help.
Expectations are one of the greatest deterrents to moving from the dark into the light. When people or circumstances do not turn out as you would have anticipated or hoped, we often become hurt, angry, frustrated or have other negative emotions. That is normal. Coming into the light from those feelings of sadness and depressed state calls for growth and leads to maturity. When we face challenges that seem very dark and hopeless, it is often the very thing that will lead us into our most significant times of illumination and higher consciousness to our inner being and connection to what is most sacred.
Ask yourself if you are hiding in the darkness of blaming others, expectations of others or avoiding pain past or present. Think about your greatest obstacles and challenges right now. Are you telling yourself that someone else has to do something or that something has to change before you can change or experience joy? That will keep you in darkness or certainly in the shadows. Moving towards the light requires hope and a way out of this present darkness. Examine your life and your current situation and write down some responses to this posting and these questions. Share them with us.
Blessings,
Susan
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I think the expectation piece of this is one of the most difficult for me.
ReplyDeleteThe big question that keeps coming up for me (who has a history of shutting down and stuffing the feelings around these disappointments) is around expectations and where is the healthy balance?
I think we all have some set of expectations in relationships and isn’t that how it should be? Seems to me that is a part of setting boundaries.
So the question I keep rolling around is what is the balance between having expectations/standard versus my happiness and joy is based on what you meeting them? Isn’t it right to feel a sense of anger or disappointment when someone does not live up to those standards? Or is the issue really about how long we stay stuck in that disappointment versus bouncing back and moving on?
Years ago, I was in a very hot/cold, on/off frustrating relationship that really wasn't very rewarding, yet, I wanted to stay in it and spent a lot of time trying to "control" my partner (make him "need" me, guilt, whatever, or sometimes, anger - when he didn't behave the way I wanted him to)... at that time, a relative who didn't think much of therapy, but was into a lot of Eastern ideas, said something to me like - well, if you aren't happy with the situation the way it is, you are always free to leave, and if you aren't willing to leave, then you can make up your mind to be happy... something along those lines. In other words, ALL the responsibility for my situation was ON ME. I didn't particularly care for that idea, but there was a part of me that knew she was right. That relationship improved when I became willing to let it go and move on, although it did take some time and I'm not in it today (my choice). After a time, instead of focusing on him all the time, I got busy with school, 12 step meetings, work etc. and then, when we were together, it was much better (relatively speaking). But when I didn't make the other person responsible for my happiness, when I put boundaries around MY crap, things improved a lot. And in time, I realized, I don't WANT to wait for someone else to "make" me happy.
ReplyDeleteToday, I'm in a different place that isn't actually very conducive to relationships... and sometimes, I wonder why. It's one where I might have moved too far to the "I don't need anyone" column. And my "expections" of what a relationship might bring to my life seem to be trending to the negative/"who needs it!" side. While I can happily say I'm not looking to someone else to be any kind of "solution" to anything in my life, I'm pretty aware that what most of my relationships (of various levels) have brought to my life has not really been much fun and my "future expectations" of what some new one might bring don't really make me want one.
This morning, somewhat in line with that, I got it into my head to make a list with three columns where various anger and shut-down-ness to men comes from. Column A was: deliberately was abusive or hurtful in some way, B was inadvertently hurtful or disappointing or a betrayal of trust of some sort and C was abandoning or rejecting in some way and where the person was now.... started with "Dad" who fit in all three columns and it went from there. Some were just neutral (brothers) in some areas, but based on their own issues, not really "available" either. Other male relatives was about as far as I got, and frankly, it was far enough.
I know we don't get to these places of shut down and defendedness cause we were loved and nurtured and protected and cared for in consistent and reliable ways by healthy parents. Yeah, I didn't focus on the good things (yet) but I know what's not acceptable to me and when I see that kind of history so clearly, I also know where the defendedness, the lack of trust, comes from, and, in some ways, that's just fine.
But that doesn't mean it's "okay" with me if irresponsible or emotionally sadistic $!#@*s get to map out the rest of my relational life because they were screwed up, immature or whatever (their pain vs. recovery is not my problem). It just clarifies for me that there are patterns that go back to infancy that twisted my perceptions of what "intimacy" is and have shown up even in my last relationship. As I see it though, knowledge is power. And shining a light on this kind of "darkness", no matter what ugliness it turns up, is the first clue to showing me what needs to get cleaned up. Looking back isn't to wallow in resentment, it's to show me what is NOT acceptable going forward. For example: "Teasing" just in "fun" - is not acceptable. And it usually gets worse. "Forgetting" promises or "bait and switching" of plans - not acceptable. Children of alcoholics (like me) and other dysfunctional families have such a high tolerance for unkindness, abuse of various kinds, and such an amazing ability to rationalize "little things" away when we want a particular relationship that we are sometimes our own worst enemies going into "new love."
At some point, I imagine I'll be ready to figure out what I consider desireable, positive behavior and make another list...
In response to Lisa's post, I am hoping to generate at least some feeling thought around her comment, "Looking back isn't to wallow in resentment, it's to show me what is NOT acceptable going forward."
ReplyDeleteI would be interested in any comments that you may have about your own looking back journey.
This quote from Susan's post really strikes me: "Finding ways to come into the light of your own attitude." This hits me, and I'll have to do more absorbing of it.
ReplyDeleteI think the other responses are really enlightening too, and they do reflect the "balancing" process of going from one attitude to another and trying to find the balance therein.
It's amazing how that "balancing line" can be totally effective in certain areas of our life and totally stuck and in an extreme in another. It's like our hand is still moving but our index finger is totally jammed. We can use our hand in totality, but for the detailed and intricate work, we're "stuck" or jammed.
I'm glad the Lord's hands are always available.