I have been thinking of how much shame affects us. It is at the core of our being like a director orchestrating everything. In my opinion, shame is the major source and foundation for all our thoughts and behavior. It seems like we organize everything around our shame stage and play out the drama of our life on it. Soon, it feels like we are not just an actor in the shame, but the shame IS us masking our real self. Who are we without our shame?
Have you been hiding under a mask that is called Shame? If so, you may feel you can never remove your mask and defenses for fear others will see your shame. Just like the Phantom of the Opera, you are disfigured under that mask and dare not show your real “face.” You may be hiding in fear that no one will love you if they know the truth about you. The truth is that the real you under that mask is the beautiful person waiting to be seen without the mask of shame.
Shame is the worst mask of all because it forces us into hiding of ourselves. As the years roll by, we live undercover and reject our own self. The shame keeps us locked in our own prison of rejection. Inside this place of confinement, we crave an intimate relationship, but we sabotage true intimacy through our own rejection. We cannot give and receive love because our real identity is hiding secretly behind the scenes.
Your stage of shame is set with unhealthy relationships and a costume that doesn’t fit you anymore. Shed your shame. It was a costume you were never meant to wear and doesn’t fit the real you.
What can you do to unmask that shame and reveal your true identity?
Blessings,
Susan
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Out from Under the Influence or Doing the U
I have posed the question about what you may be under the influence of in your life. It is my hope that all can see that we are all under the influence of something or someone. You were born into a family and that was the first influential system you were under. The only reason to investigate deeper into that system is so you can detect the patterns and behaviors that influenced you to see if they fit with your inner self. You will always have influences from all your past and present because to do otherwise would force you into becoming a hermit. Assuming you do not want to be any kind of a hermit, especially, an emotional hermit, I will revisit the idea of loving yourself first which I mentioned in an earlier blog.
Loving yourself well requires that you really know how to esteem you and self care you in all areas without thinking of these acts as selfish. This is the DANCE of the U. You get to decide within balance where you end and others begin. You also get to decide that your worth and value is based solely on that inherent value that is God given and not about anything you “do.” You also get to have needs and wants and get them met in healthy ways. You get to have physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. You get to decide how to meet them in ways that involve others, but you do not have a right to demand anyone else meet those needs. You are responsible for finding the healthy ways and places to get those needs met. You get to make your own decisions and plans in moderation. Loving yourself well means that you can do it for yourself forever whether someone else thinks its okay or not.
Once you have learned to do the Dance of the U, you are out from under the tyranny of the “shoulds” and “oughts” or “musts.” You listen to your inner self and God and see if you want or need to do whatever you do. There will still be things you do out of duty or job responsibility, but relationships mostly revolve around living in truth. Recovery is about living more in truth than lies and illusions. This means being true to your identity and your purpose, not under the influence of what other people think you “should” be doing. If you are living in moderation under the influence of your identity in sync with God or your Higher Power, you will be doing the “right” thing because it is what you are supposed to be doing. It is done from love which you can do forever because it is done out of genuine caring and isn’t burdensome.
This is freedom... coming out from under lies and distorted thinking so you are free to be you. The old influences will still try to trap and trigger you, but you are living more days in freedom than in slavery or wilderness living. Ask yourself what it will take for you to take the steps of the Dance of U and begin to move out from under the influence. Then, begin with some baby steps to do that. I would suggest some really good self care to start.
Blessings,
Susan
Loving yourself well requires that you really know how to esteem you and self care you in all areas without thinking of these acts as selfish. This is the DANCE of the U. You get to decide within balance where you end and others begin. You also get to decide that your worth and value is based solely on that inherent value that is God given and not about anything you “do.” You also get to have needs and wants and get them met in healthy ways. You get to have physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. You get to decide how to meet them in ways that involve others, but you do not have a right to demand anyone else meet those needs. You are responsible for finding the healthy ways and places to get those needs met. You get to make your own decisions and plans in moderation. Loving yourself well means that you can do it for yourself forever whether someone else thinks its okay or not.
Once you have learned to do the Dance of the U, you are out from under the tyranny of the “shoulds” and “oughts” or “musts.” You listen to your inner self and God and see if you want or need to do whatever you do. There will still be things you do out of duty or job responsibility, but relationships mostly revolve around living in truth. Recovery is about living more in truth than lies and illusions. This means being true to your identity and your purpose, not under the influence of what other people think you “should” be doing. If you are living in moderation under the influence of your identity in sync with God or your Higher Power, you will be doing the “right” thing because it is what you are supposed to be doing. It is done from love which you can do forever because it is done out of genuine caring and isn’t burdensome.
This is freedom... coming out from under lies and distorted thinking so you are free to be you. The old influences will still try to trap and trigger you, but you are living more days in freedom than in slavery or wilderness living. Ask yourself what it will take for you to take the steps of the Dance of U and begin to move out from under the influence. Then, begin with some baby steps to do that. I would suggest some really good self care to start.
Blessings,
Susan
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Open Blog Saturday!
No topic today. The blog is open for any and all rants, raves, questions, answers, universal wisdom or just plain lunacy.
Step right up, blog your comment and see what happens…
Blessings,
Susan
Step right up, blog your comment and see what happens…
Blessings,
Susan
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Under the Influence
What comes to mind when you hear those words?
There are many images and thoughts that come up for me when I hear those words, but I am using them in the context of personal relationships, unresolved issues from the past, thinking, unhealthy behaviors, or things and situations that are keeping you from living free to be yourself. This connects back to the previously posted blog on identity and authenticity.
Living under the influence of other people can be anything from you living outside yourself trying to figure out how you need to act for other people to living in denial and as a false self. It is a painful way to live and has elements of old ways that you used to live in order to survive or get along in life during some “tough times”. Typically, people continue using these outmoded ways long after they need them.
For example, if you are hiding a secret from your past that you would be shamed of anyone finding out, this may be keeping you in fear. You are under the influence of that fear and so you pretend. Pretending doesn’t just stop with that one secret. You begin to pretend about other things or pretend it wasn’t as bad as it was or that it was worse than it was…all kinds of crazy thoughts start spinning around inside your head.
Another example might be that you have an angry reaction to someone over something little. What is that about? What influence are you under? Is it feelings of rejection? Is it some other feeling from something unresolved in the past?
Being under the influence of a person means that you are trying to act in the way you think they need you to act. Being under the influence of other people means that you are always trying to figure out what they need and you try to get that for them or solve their problem for them. Being under the influence of any substance (including food) means that you have to have that substance (in an unhealthy way) in order to feel good. Being under the influence of things means that you cannot live without your possessions or that you obsess about them. Being under the influence of religion means you turn everything into the spiritual realm. Being under the influence of exercise or work or anything else that is immoderate in your life is problematic.
In order to live in moderation and spontaneity, it is wise to check to see if you are out of balance and under anything that is influencing you too much. We all go through seasons where we might have to be out of balance (for example, studying during exam times or new parents meeting needs of little ones), but if it is a lifetime pattern of behavior, it will be impossible to be free to be you. Ask yourself if you are prone to be under the influence of anything in an unhealthy way.
Blessings,
Susan
There are many images and thoughts that come up for me when I hear those words, but I am using them in the context of personal relationships, unresolved issues from the past, thinking, unhealthy behaviors, or things and situations that are keeping you from living free to be yourself. This connects back to the previously posted blog on identity and authenticity.
Living under the influence of other people can be anything from you living outside yourself trying to figure out how you need to act for other people to living in denial and as a false self. It is a painful way to live and has elements of old ways that you used to live in order to survive or get along in life during some “tough times”. Typically, people continue using these outmoded ways long after they need them.
For example, if you are hiding a secret from your past that you would be shamed of anyone finding out, this may be keeping you in fear. You are under the influence of that fear and so you pretend. Pretending doesn’t just stop with that one secret. You begin to pretend about other things or pretend it wasn’t as bad as it was or that it was worse than it was…all kinds of crazy thoughts start spinning around inside your head.
Another example might be that you have an angry reaction to someone over something little. What is that about? What influence are you under? Is it feelings of rejection? Is it some other feeling from something unresolved in the past?
Being under the influence of a person means that you are trying to act in the way you think they need you to act. Being under the influence of other people means that you are always trying to figure out what they need and you try to get that for them or solve their problem for them. Being under the influence of any substance (including food) means that you have to have that substance (in an unhealthy way) in order to feel good. Being under the influence of things means that you cannot live without your possessions or that you obsess about them. Being under the influence of religion means you turn everything into the spiritual realm. Being under the influence of exercise or work or anything else that is immoderate in your life is problematic.
In order to live in moderation and spontaneity, it is wise to check to see if you are out of balance and under anything that is influencing you too much. We all go through seasons where we might have to be out of balance (for example, studying during exam times or new parents meeting needs of little ones), but if it is a lifetime pattern of behavior, it will be impossible to be free to be you. Ask yourself if you are prone to be under the influence of anything in an unhealthy way.
Blessings,
Susan
Friday, January 23, 2009
Moving From Darkness Into Light
I have been thinking a lot about what causes some people to grow and mature and what causes some to stay stuck or in the dark. I know this is a complex topic, but I do believe it is worth spending some time considering.
If you are a person who has yearned to be free from others’ opinions or approval rating, perhaps it is time to begin moving from the shadow others may have cast over you. Often moving into your own personal light space requires letting go of the need for approval. Rejection is common to all of humanity. WE cannot escape it. If you live your life hoping for approval from others and fearing rejection, you will stay in their shadow and in your own darkness to self.
Moving forward in consciousness of yourself may call for a more inward look than you have previously been used to taking. Our tendency is often to look outward to other people and external circumstances to find solutions to our problems. I write a lot about asking yourself what is going on with you and your feelings. This means you must take an inner look at how you feel instead of the “if only” approach that means someone else is responsible for change in order for you to be happy or that circumstances have to change in order for you to feel joy.
Blaming people or circumstances for your unhappiness or anger is about you not accepting things as they are. You need to find ways to move to the light so you can make changes that will improve your circumstances. Some may respond to this as, “but you don’t know my circumstances.” I understand that some things are very difficult and many people are suffering, but accepting things as they are and finding ways to come into the light of your own attitude will help.
Expectations are one of the greatest deterrents to moving from the dark into the light. When people or circumstances do not turn out as you would have anticipated or hoped, we often become hurt, angry, frustrated or have other negative emotions. That is normal. Coming into the light from those feelings of sadness and depressed state calls for growth and leads to maturity. When we face challenges that seem very dark and hopeless, it is often the very thing that will lead us into our most significant times of illumination and higher consciousness to our inner being and connection to what is most sacred.
Ask yourself if you are hiding in the darkness of blaming others, expectations of others or avoiding pain past or present. Think about your greatest obstacles and challenges right now. Are you telling yourself that someone else has to do something or that something has to change before you can change or experience joy? That will keep you in darkness or certainly in the shadows. Moving towards the light requires hope and a way out of this present darkness. Examine your life and your current situation and write down some responses to this posting and these questions. Share them with us.
Blessings,
Susan
If you are a person who has yearned to be free from others’ opinions or approval rating, perhaps it is time to begin moving from the shadow others may have cast over you. Often moving into your own personal light space requires letting go of the need for approval. Rejection is common to all of humanity. WE cannot escape it. If you live your life hoping for approval from others and fearing rejection, you will stay in their shadow and in your own darkness to self.
Moving forward in consciousness of yourself may call for a more inward look than you have previously been used to taking. Our tendency is often to look outward to other people and external circumstances to find solutions to our problems. I write a lot about asking yourself what is going on with you and your feelings. This means you must take an inner look at how you feel instead of the “if only” approach that means someone else is responsible for change in order for you to be happy or that circumstances have to change in order for you to feel joy.
Blaming people or circumstances for your unhappiness or anger is about you not accepting things as they are. You need to find ways to move to the light so you can make changes that will improve your circumstances. Some may respond to this as, “but you don’t know my circumstances.” I understand that some things are very difficult and many people are suffering, but accepting things as they are and finding ways to come into the light of your own attitude will help.
Expectations are one of the greatest deterrents to moving from the dark into the light. When people or circumstances do not turn out as you would have anticipated or hoped, we often become hurt, angry, frustrated or have other negative emotions. That is normal. Coming into the light from those feelings of sadness and depressed state calls for growth and leads to maturity. When we face challenges that seem very dark and hopeless, it is often the very thing that will lead us into our most significant times of illumination and higher consciousness to our inner being and connection to what is most sacred.
Ask yourself if you are hiding in the darkness of blaming others, expectations of others or avoiding pain past or present. Think about your greatest obstacles and challenges right now. Are you telling yourself that someone else has to do something or that something has to change before you can change or experience joy? That will keep you in darkness or certainly in the shadows. Moving towards the light requires hope and a way out of this present darkness. Examine your life and your current situation and write down some responses to this posting and these questions. Share them with us.
Blessings,
Susan
Monday, January 19, 2009
Intimacy 101
This is a term that is used in a variety of ways in our society. The dictionary defines it as a “close personal relationship.” Other definitions of the word are used in conjunction with the environment as “a quiet or private atmosphere;” or regarding knowledge as “a detailed knowledge resulting from a close or long association of study;” or in a behavior as “private and personal action or utterance.” Intimacy as an action in our society is often understood to just refer to sexual intimacy.
In order to experience true intimacy in every way, I believe it is important to have an intimate relationship with self. In my view, that would mean you would experience familiarity and closeness with your own being. You would have an understanding and inner awareness of your own identity. I am not sure if most people ever stop to consider this aspect of intimacy or if they first run off to someone else looking for intimacy.
From my perspective, it is nearly impossible to experience intimacy in all of its forms: relationally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, or even sexually without first having some notion of your own identity and being intimate with yourself. I do believe that we often learn and understand ourselves better in the context of other relationships. However, we can be in denial and immature in those relationships if we have not firstly connected with ourselves in a deeper way.
In order to live your life conscious of yourself, you must begin a journey of intimacy with yourself. We are all in denial of certain aspects of ourselves, so it becomes easy to either take another’s opinion of you or make up one about yourself in the way you want to be seen and feel it is the real you. This is usually done to the extent that it was not okay to be accepted as yourself as a child. Often children who are physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused as children will take on roles of who they need to be for the parents or who they need to be in order to survive those times.
The trouble with being in denial and not intimate with yourself is you may be using outmoded behaviors developed in childhood to cope as versions of what you believe to be the real you. For example, if you developed a hero role in your family of origin, you may still be doing that for others and taking responsibility for others in ways that you need not be doing. You may think or even feel you need to be doing these things, but resent them deep in your unconscious.
The problem with lack of intimacy with self is that you live outside yourself and are dependent on others or something other than self to guide you. It also blocks an intimate relationship with God because you are living as you think, not necessarily the way God is requiring. This often happens in many “religious” people. They are actually not spiritual at all as they are closed off from the intimacy with self and also with God. They are living under rules and codes and values that are either of their own making or ones they learned from somewhere outside and not from God.
Begin to think about areas where you may not be intimately in touch with yourself. Are you letting others define you? Are you blaming others for your problems? Are you focused more outside yourself than trusting your inner being? I will have much more to explore about intimacy in future blogs, but I would like to hear your feedback on the topic in any form that this one has generated.
Blessings,
Susan
In order to experience true intimacy in every way, I believe it is important to have an intimate relationship with self. In my view, that would mean you would experience familiarity and closeness with your own being. You would have an understanding and inner awareness of your own identity. I am not sure if most people ever stop to consider this aspect of intimacy or if they first run off to someone else looking for intimacy.
From my perspective, it is nearly impossible to experience intimacy in all of its forms: relationally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, or even sexually without first having some notion of your own identity and being intimate with yourself. I do believe that we often learn and understand ourselves better in the context of other relationships. However, we can be in denial and immature in those relationships if we have not firstly connected with ourselves in a deeper way.
In order to live your life conscious of yourself, you must begin a journey of intimacy with yourself. We are all in denial of certain aspects of ourselves, so it becomes easy to either take another’s opinion of you or make up one about yourself in the way you want to be seen and feel it is the real you. This is usually done to the extent that it was not okay to be accepted as yourself as a child. Often children who are physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused as children will take on roles of who they need to be for the parents or who they need to be in order to survive those times.
The trouble with being in denial and not intimate with yourself is you may be using outmoded behaviors developed in childhood to cope as versions of what you believe to be the real you. For example, if you developed a hero role in your family of origin, you may still be doing that for others and taking responsibility for others in ways that you need not be doing. You may think or even feel you need to be doing these things, but resent them deep in your unconscious.
The problem with lack of intimacy with self is that you live outside yourself and are dependent on others or something other than self to guide you. It also blocks an intimate relationship with God because you are living as you think, not necessarily the way God is requiring. This often happens in many “religious” people. They are actually not spiritual at all as they are closed off from the intimacy with self and also with God. They are living under rules and codes and values that are either of their own making or ones they learned from somewhere outside and not from God.
Begin to think about areas where you may not be intimately in touch with yourself. Are you letting others define you? Are you blaming others for your problems? Are you focused more outside yourself than trusting your inner being? I will have much more to explore about intimacy in future blogs, but I would like to hear your feedback on the topic in any form that this one has generated.
Blessings,
Susan
Friday, January 16, 2009
Got Questions?
On ocassion I want to break away from the topic that is currently under discussion and open up the blog to general questions or concerns. I know some of you may be struggling with an urgent problem and would like to air it and invite responses. This will more likely happen on a weekend when I have more time to also respond myself to your questions.
Please limit the posted questions to TWO. If two have already been posted and you still want your question addressed, please send it in an email and I will post it at a later time or consider it for a full blog topic.
The more discussion by all, the greater the benefit to all. JOIN IN - I assure you there will be others with the same questions and concerns. Even if the topic doesn't "fit" you, your insight will still be valuable.
Blessings, Susan
Please limit the posted questions to TWO. If two have already been posted and you still want your question addressed, please send it in an email and I will post it at a later time or consider it for a full blog topic.
The more discussion by all, the greater the benefit to all. JOIN IN - I assure you there will be others with the same questions and concerns. Even if the topic doesn't "fit" you, your insight will still be valuable.
Blessings, Susan
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