I have been thinking a lot about what causes some people to grow and mature and what causes some to stay stuck or in the dark. I know this is a complex topic, but I do believe it is worth spending some time considering.
If you are a person who has yearned to be free from others’ opinions or approval rating, perhaps it is time to begin moving from the shadow others may have cast over you. Often moving into your own personal light space requires letting go of the need for approval. Rejection is common to all of humanity. WE cannot escape it. If you live your life hoping for approval from others and fearing rejection, you will stay in their shadow and in your own darkness to self.
Moving forward in consciousness of yourself may call for a more inward look than you have previously been used to taking. Our tendency is often to look outward to other people and external circumstances to find solutions to our problems. I write a lot about asking yourself what is going on with you and your feelings. This means you must take an inner look at how you feel instead of the “if only” approach that means someone else is responsible for change in order for you to be happy or that circumstances have to change in order for you to feel joy.
Blaming people or circumstances for your unhappiness or anger is about you not accepting things as they are. You need to find ways to move to the light so you can make changes that will improve your circumstances. Some may respond to this as, “but you don’t know my circumstances.” I understand that some things are very difficult and many people are suffering, but accepting things as they are and finding ways to come into the light of your own attitude will help.
Expectations are one of the greatest deterrents to moving from the dark into the light. When people or circumstances do not turn out as you would have anticipated or hoped, we often become hurt, angry, frustrated or have other negative emotions. That is normal. Coming into the light from those feelings of sadness and depressed state calls for growth and leads to maturity. When we face challenges that seem very dark and hopeless, it is often the very thing that will lead us into our most significant times of illumination and higher consciousness to our inner being and connection to what is most sacred.
Ask yourself if you are hiding in the darkness of blaming others, expectations of others or avoiding pain past or present. Think about your greatest obstacles and challenges right now. Are you telling yourself that someone else has to do something or that something has to change before you can change or experience joy? That will keep you in darkness or certainly in the shadows. Moving towards the light requires hope and a way out of this present darkness. Examine your life and your current situation and write down some responses to this posting and these questions. Share them with us.
Blessings,
Susan
Friday, January 23, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Intimacy 101
This is a term that is used in a variety of ways in our society. The dictionary defines it as a “close personal relationship.” Other definitions of the word are used in conjunction with the environment as “a quiet or private atmosphere;” or regarding knowledge as “a detailed knowledge resulting from a close or long association of study;” or in a behavior as “private and personal action or utterance.” Intimacy as an action in our society is often understood to just refer to sexual intimacy.
In order to experience true intimacy in every way, I believe it is important to have an intimate relationship with self. In my view, that would mean you would experience familiarity and closeness with your own being. You would have an understanding and inner awareness of your own identity. I am not sure if most people ever stop to consider this aspect of intimacy or if they first run off to someone else looking for intimacy.
From my perspective, it is nearly impossible to experience intimacy in all of its forms: relationally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, or even sexually without first having some notion of your own identity and being intimate with yourself. I do believe that we often learn and understand ourselves better in the context of other relationships. However, we can be in denial and immature in those relationships if we have not firstly connected with ourselves in a deeper way.
In order to live your life conscious of yourself, you must begin a journey of intimacy with yourself. We are all in denial of certain aspects of ourselves, so it becomes easy to either take another’s opinion of you or make up one about yourself in the way you want to be seen and feel it is the real you. This is usually done to the extent that it was not okay to be accepted as yourself as a child. Often children who are physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused as children will take on roles of who they need to be for the parents or who they need to be in order to survive those times.
The trouble with being in denial and not intimate with yourself is you may be using outmoded behaviors developed in childhood to cope as versions of what you believe to be the real you. For example, if you developed a hero role in your family of origin, you may still be doing that for others and taking responsibility for others in ways that you need not be doing. You may think or even feel you need to be doing these things, but resent them deep in your unconscious.
The problem with lack of intimacy with self is that you live outside yourself and are dependent on others or something other than self to guide you. It also blocks an intimate relationship with God because you are living as you think, not necessarily the way God is requiring. This often happens in many “religious” people. They are actually not spiritual at all as they are closed off from the intimacy with self and also with God. They are living under rules and codes and values that are either of their own making or ones they learned from somewhere outside and not from God.
Begin to think about areas where you may not be intimately in touch with yourself. Are you letting others define you? Are you blaming others for your problems? Are you focused more outside yourself than trusting your inner being? I will have much more to explore about intimacy in future blogs, but I would like to hear your feedback on the topic in any form that this one has generated.
Blessings,
Susan
In order to experience true intimacy in every way, I believe it is important to have an intimate relationship with self. In my view, that would mean you would experience familiarity and closeness with your own being. You would have an understanding and inner awareness of your own identity. I am not sure if most people ever stop to consider this aspect of intimacy or if they first run off to someone else looking for intimacy.
From my perspective, it is nearly impossible to experience intimacy in all of its forms: relationally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, or even sexually without first having some notion of your own identity and being intimate with yourself. I do believe that we often learn and understand ourselves better in the context of other relationships. However, we can be in denial and immature in those relationships if we have not firstly connected with ourselves in a deeper way.
In order to live your life conscious of yourself, you must begin a journey of intimacy with yourself. We are all in denial of certain aspects of ourselves, so it becomes easy to either take another’s opinion of you or make up one about yourself in the way you want to be seen and feel it is the real you. This is usually done to the extent that it was not okay to be accepted as yourself as a child. Often children who are physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused as children will take on roles of who they need to be for the parents or who they need to be in order to survive those times.
The trouble with being in denial and not intimate with yourself is you may be using outmoded behaviors developed in childhood to cope as versions of what you believe to be the real you. For example, if you developed a hero role in your family of origin, you may still be doing that for others and taking responsibility for others in ways that you need not be doing. You may think or even feel you need to be doing these things, but resent them deep in your unconscious.
The problem with lack of intimacy with self is that you live outside yourself and are dependent on others or something other than self to guide you. It also blocks an intimate relationship with God because you are living as you think, not necessarily the way God is requiring. This often happens in many “religious” people. They are actually not spiritual at all as they are closed off from the intimacy with self and also with God. They are living under rules and codes and values that are either of their own making or ones they learned from somewhere outside and not from God.
Begin to think about areas where you may not be intimately in touch with yourself. Are you letting others define you? Are you blaming others for your problems? Are you focused more outside yourself than trusting your inner being? I will have much more to explore about intimacy in future blogs, but I would like to hear your feedback on the topic in any form that this one has generated.
Blessings,
Susan
Friday, January 16, 2009
Got Questions?
On ocassion I want to break away from the topic that is currently under discussion and open up the blog to general questions or concerns. I know some of you may be struggling with an urgent problem and would like to air it and invite responses. This will more likely happen on a weekend when I have more time to also respond myself to your questions.
Please limit the posted questions to TWO. If two have already been posted and you still want your question addressed, please send it in an email and I will post it at a later time or consider it for a full blog topic.
The more discussion by all, the greater the benefit to all. JOIN IN - I assure you there will be others with the same questions and concerns. Even if the topic doesn't "fit" you, your insight will still be valuable.
Blessings, Susan
Please limit the posted questions to TWO. If two have already been posted and you still want your question addressed, please send it in an email and I will post it at a later time or consider it for a full blog topic.
The more discussion by all, the greater the benefit to all. JOIN IN - I assure you there will be others with the same questions and concerns. Even if the topic doesn't "fit" you, your insight will still be valuable.
Blessings, Susan
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Triggers and Overreactions
Emotional Triggers and Over Reactive Behaviors Can Be Powerful clues to uncovering some of our hidden identity and exposing unresolved issues that need healing.
One of the first steps in waking up to your identity and authenticity is to develop an understanding of “triggers.” Triggers produce the reactions you have to others that “push your buttons” and “set you off.” Triggers usually take us out of adult mode and into a more childlike form of ourselves. We know we are not grounded in our adult, but often cannot stop our reactions or over reactions. Literally, our mood shifts “just like that.”
Triggers and our reactions to them are things we really need to pay attention to because they give us clues and insights into memories, experiences and wounds we encountered as children that are still either unresolved inside us or situations that we never got to work through as children. Adult relationships allow new opportunities to do that if we begin to pay attention to our triggers.
The triggers and our reaction to them are about our inner child letting us know something is wrong inside and something is bothering us in a significant way. Instead of making it about the other person and their behavior, first ask yourself what is really going on with you. For example, if you have a boss who is intimidating or shames you and you just “can’t stand it” and over react each time he/she pushes your buttons, you need to ask yourself what you are feeling and when you first remember feeling a similar way. Chances are a memory from childhood or an earlier time will pop up. This is an unresolved issue. It could be that your older brother or kids in the neighborhood bullied and picked on you or maybe a parent, teacher or coach intimidated you and you had no way to protect yourself against that behavior as a child.
The next time you are emotionally triggered, instead of using fight, flight or freeze, take responsibility for your reaction and your part in the problem. Then, revisit the situation later when both you and the other person are in your adult and try to work through a resolution and share what made you react so strongly. When we can talk through things and stay adult about our emotional triggers and reactions, we experience growth opportunities and the chance to change our reactions into healthy adult responses.
When both parties stay in their wounded, child reactions and blame each other, it results in the same old patterns being repeated and zero growth or maturity is practiced. Our unresolved and hidden wounds of the past often rise up in our closest relationships and can grow into resentments against those people. In fact, it is often our inner self that we are ignoring.
Pay attention to your own inner being and your feelings because they are the key to knowing and growing into a more authentic you. Start by observing yourself when you are triggered or someone pushes your buttons. Notice the physical feelings your body experiences. Examine your behavior and monitor how you are feeling emotionally. Do you have a lot of rage or strong anger? Ask yourself what is really going on inside of you. You may want do some journaling to process through times in the past when you have had similar reactions.
Feel free to share any experiences you have had with triggers. What “sets you off”?
One of the first steps in waking up to your identity and authenticity is to develop an understanding of “triggers.” Triggers produce the reactions you have to others that “push your buttons” and “set you off.” Triggers usually take us out of adult mode and into a more childlike form of ourselves. We know we are not grounded in our adult, but often cannot stop our reactions or over reactions. Literally, our mood shifts “just like that.”
Triggers and our reactions to them are things we really need to pay attention to because they give us clues and insights into memories, experiences and wounds we encountered as children that are still either unresolved inside us or situations that we never got to work through as children. Adult relationships allow new opportunities to do that if we begin to pay attention to our triggers.
The triggers and our reaction to them are about our inner child letting us know something is wrong inside and something is bothering us in a significant way. Instead of making it about the other person and their behavior, first ask yourself what is really going on with you. For example, if you have a boss who is intimidating or shames you and you just “can’t stand it” and over react each time he/she pushes your buttons, you need to ask yourself what you are feeling and when you first remember feeling a similar way. Chances are a memory from childhood or an earlier time will pop up. This is an unresolved issue. It could be that your older brother or kids in the neighborhood bullied and picked on you or maybe a parent, teacher or coach intimidated you and you had no way to protect yourself against that behavior as a child.
The next time you are emotionally triggered, instead of using fight, flight or freeze, take responsibility for your reaction and your part in the problem. Then, revisit the situation later when both you and the other person are in your adult and try to work through a resolution and share what made you react so strongly. When we can talk through things and stay adult about our emotional triggers and reactions, we experience growth opportunities and the chance to change our reactions into healthy adult responses.
When both parties stay in their wounded, child reactions and blame each other, it results in the same old patterns being repeated and zero growth or maturity is practiced. Our unresolved and hidden wounds of the past often rise up in our closest relationships and can grow into resentments against those people. In fact, it is often our inner self that we are ignoring.
Pay attention to your own inner being and your feelings because they are the key to knowing and growing into a more authentic you. Start by observing yourself when you are triggered or someone pushes your buttons. Notice the physical feelings your body experiences. Examine your behavior and monitor how you are feeling emotionally. Do you have a lot of rage or strong anger? Ask yourself what is really going on inside of you. You may want do some journaling to process through times in the past when you have had similar reactions.
Feel free to share any experiences you have had with triggers. What “sets you off”?
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Identity and Authenticity
The topic this week is about not hiding your true self and loving all parts of you. Part of the ability to be able to do that requires awareness of self and identity. Many people tell me in the course of therapy that they have no idea who they really are and what their identity is all about. To me, this is very sad and I can even think of a time when that was the case for me.
The idea of discovering your true identity and finding your authentic self is the best course you can set for yourself. Living up to someone else’s reality of who you need to be or living with a mask on that you created because you fear not being accepted as you are or thinking that a false self is a better person than the real you, is an insidious way to live. It makes no sense.
Begin to think about the real you and how far away from that person you are and what it would take to allow the freedom to be authentic. It is a journey that is not just about moving from where you are now to a new place or point on a line. It has aspects that are woven among the three parts of your being which are physical, emotional, and spiritual. True knowing of your self and identity will require knowing how you are known by your Creator which in turn means you must know the Creator of your being. You are more than a bunch of cells with a unique DNA. You have a spiritual being that connects to the physical world and your feelings and emotions.
As you consider your own identity, try to focus on the fact that you have inherent worth, are deeply lovable and are loved by God. If you can accept and affirm yourself in that paradigm, you can begin to accept yourself as you are and get grounded in your reality. If you have lived in the shadow of someone else’s reality of you, it will feel strange to give yourself permission to begin to live in your own reality and the things that matter to you.
It is possible that you are living in some self deception. Regardless of denial or self deceptions, you still need to start with things that matter to you and the way you see life. You can work on distortions with the help of God and other wise counsel. Be committed to stay true to your view of those things that are important to you.
It matters who you are and how you feel. It matters what you think about things. Ask yourself these questions: How do I feel about _____________? What am I feeling right now? Discover your likes and dislikes. Meet with God and ask for truth about yourself. There is no substitute for prayer and seeking help to discover these core issues of self. Read books that talk about identity and self awareness. Find a group or a good therapist that will help guide you into the process of unmasking or coming out of hiding. Many times people go into hiding to protect themselves from past trauma and/or traumatic situations and they don’t come out without professional help.
Reply today with responses that talk about identity and ways you have either worked through some of these things to find your true self or post questions you might have about the process. Just generate some messaging that explores this whole issue of how we gain self awareness and learn to stay grounded and free to be our authentic self.
The idea of discovering your true identity and finding your authentic self is the best course you can set for yourself. Living up to someone else’s reality of who you need to be or living with a mask on that you created because you fear not being accepted as you are or thinking that a false self is a better person than the real you, is an insidious way to live. It makes no sense.
Begin to think about the real you and how far away from that person you are and what it would take to allow the freedom to be authentic. It is a journey that is not just about moving from where you are now to a new place or point on a line. It has aspects that are woven among the three parts of your being which are physical, emotional, and spiritual. True knowing of your self and identity will require knowing how you are known by your Creator which in turn means you must know the Creator of your being. You are more than a bunch of cells with a unique DNA. You have a spiritual being that connects to the physical world and your feelings and emotions.
As you consider your own identity, try to focus on the fact that you have inherent worth, are deeply lovable and are loved by God. If you can accept and affirm yourself in that paradigm, you can begin to accept yourself as you are and get grounded in your reality. If you have lived in the shadow of someone else’s reality of you, it will feel strange to give yourself permission to begin to live in your own reality and the things that matter to you.
It is possible that you are living in some self deception. Regardless of denial or self deceptions, you still need to start with things that matter to you and the way you see life. You can work on distortions with the help of God and other wise counsel. Be committed to stay true to your view of those things that are important to you.
It matters who you are and how you feel. It matters what you think about things. Ask yourself these questions: How do I feel about _____________? What am I feeling right now? Discover your likes and dislikes. Meet with God and ask for truth about yourself. There is no substitute for prayer and seeking help to discover these core issues of self. Read books that talk about identity and self awareness. Find a group or a good therapist that will help guide you into the process of unmasking or coming out of hiding. Many times people go into hiding to protect themselves from past trauma and/or traumatic situations and they don’t come out without professional help.
Reply today with responses that talk about identity and ways you have either worked through some of these things to find your true self or post questions you might have about the process. Just generate some messaging that explores this whole issue of how we gain self awareness and learn to stay grounded and free to be our authentic self.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Loving Yourself as a Gift
Extending the theme of new beginnings and a new year, I want to ask for participation in the topic of loving yourself. To me, you cannot love others without first loving yourself. There are so many people who would view this as downright selfish. This is especially the view in Christian or other religious circles. In those arenas, it is not popular to think highly of yourself because it is seen as pride or self centeredness. This teaching says that you “should” consider others more highly than yourself or that you should just consider others first - period.
Somehow, that thinking does not seem right to me because I do not see how it is possible to feel genuine heartfelt love for another without feeling love for who you are as a person. You should feel the law of self worth and esteem yourself as a worthwhile person, worthy of love. If you believe that you have a Creator, a Higher Power, or God who made you in the image of Himself, why would you not believe you are lovable? You were created and placed on the planet with just as much worth and value as anyone else. That means that you are worthy of love and that Something bigger than you gave you that inherent worth and value. Once that is established in your inner being, you can love the uniqueness of you without hiding or being ashamed of who you are, including your character flaws.
If you begin with this love of self in a healthy way, you can work inside out and be able to love others. Jesus said that one of the two greatest commands is to love others as “you love yourself” which means to me that you would first need to love yourself. In order to love yourself, you also have to know who you are and come alive to a deep knowledge of your own self. No matter what your religious beliefs, your identity is key to mature spiritual growth.
A basic need is to love and care for yourself. If your parents or teachers or others who had influence on your early life development did not encourage or nurture you to love who you are and to teach you that you are special and unique, you may have pushed self love away by acting the way others expected you to behave. Partly, that was okay because we all need to fit into societal norms, but the other part was not okay because it taught you to “cover up” or not accept all of you. It may even have taught you that only your “good” parts or your strengths are lovable.
If you grew up with rejection of parts of you or even all of you, it taught you to reject your own self in favor of others. It also caused you to not love yourself because your basic human need to be loved and accepted for who you are was denied. People who have had this rejection as children nearly always go through life attempting to have others meet these needs. They do not realize they are rejecting themselves just as the influential people in their lives rejected them as children. They also do not realize that the ability to meet the need of being loved could be met by themselves.
Lack of self love usually takes a toll on relationships in the form of depending on others to meet your unmet need for love. It is actually more selfish because the expectation follows that it is the responsibility of someone else to fill the emptiness inside of you. That is not the job of any other person on the planet. That is the job of your Maker and you in an intimate relationship with each other. After that, you move out to fulfilling relationships where there is a mutual giving and receiving of love. Of course, it is necessary to find your source of self love from the unconditional love of God. The Gift of loving yourself must first be opened and received as a gift from your Creator. It is an intrinsic part of your inner being.
Loving yourself also requires that you love ALL of yourself, not just those good qualities that you admire or the ones you self created. Loving yourself means accepting the angry and unloving components because in those you will stay humble and know you need a God bigger than you to transform those weaknesses into more loving behaviors. If you split off the parts you deem flaws or bad and don’t allow them to be changed into more loving responses, you will not be whole.
You will meet many people who seem to be one way at home and a completely different person with others. That is a person who is split. They are acting and presenting who they want or need others to see outside their intimate circle. Inside with intimate relationships, they may act the opposite. This is often referred to as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome.
Another way to tell if someone is not loving their whole self is if they are over reactive to certain situations or are easily triggered into extreme behaviors (for example, raging).
You must begin to learn to give yourself the gift of accepting and loving yourself just as you are and admitting that you have faults and weaknesses. Affirm that you are a work in progress or on a journey that will never be complete until your life on earth is over. You do not have to change you overnight (nor could you even expect to do that), but you do have to admit that you need to make changes. That is the first step. What most people do, however, is to either change to the other extreme or get rid of having the issue at all. For example, if a person is dealing with anger, they will often go to never allowing themselves to get angry or they will dump all their anger out on others saying it is just the way they are and you need to accept them as they are and love them that way.
A healthy way to deal with weaknesses is to first admit them. After that, ask for help from God to change them into more acceptable forms and to know what is at the root of the weakness. In the example of anger; it is okay to be angry, but it is not okay to dump it on someone else or vent it out to them. It is okay to ask what the anger is all about. Anger is a friend that tells you something is wrong and it is usually about unmet needs or buried feelings that are unresolved. That is why you need weaknesses. They help you grow and mature and love yourself through that process. Being a friend to yourself is the best gift you can give.
Starting today, as participants, begin to find ways you could love yourself more in a healthy way. Please post messages in reply to this about the topic of self love in general as well as how you feel it might apply to you personally.
Blessings,
Susan
Somehow, that thinking does not seem right to me because I do not see how it is possible to feel genuine heartfelt love for another without feeling love for who you are as a person. You should feel the law of self worth and esteem yourself as a worthwhile person, worthy of love. If you believe that you have a Creator, a Higher Power, or God who made you in the image of Himself, why would you not believe you are lovable? You were created and placed on the planet with just as much worth and value as anyone else. That means that you are worthy of love and that Something bigger than you gave you that inherent worth and value. Once that is established in your inner being, you can love the uniqueness of you without hiding or being ashamed of who you are, including your character flaws.
If you begin with this love of self in a healthy way, you can work inside out and be able to love others. Jesus said that one of the two greatest commands is to love others as “you love yourself” which means to me that you would first need to love yourself. In order to love yourself, you also have to know who you are and come alive to a deep knowledge of your own self. No matter what your religious beliefs, your identity is key to mature spiritual growth.
A basic need is to love and care for yourself. If your parents or teachers or others who had influence on your early life development did not encourage or nurture you to love who you are and to teach you that you are special and unique, you may have pushed self love away by acting the way others expected you to behave. Partly, that was okay because we all need to fit into societal norms, but the other part was not okay because it taught you to “cover up” or not accept all of you. It may even have taught you that only your “good” parts or your strengths are lovable.
If you grew up with rejection of parts of you or even all of you, it taught you to reject your own self in favor of others. It also caused you to not love yourself because your basic human need to be loved and accepted for who you are was denied. People who have had this rejection as children nearly always go through life attempting to have others meet these needs. They do not realize they are rejecting themselves just as the influential people in their lives rejected them as children. They also do not realize that the ability to meet the need of being loved could be met by themselves.
Lack of self love usually takes a toll on relationships in the form of depending on others to meet your unmet need for love. It is actually more selfish because the expectation follows that it is the responsibility of someone else to fill the emptiness inside of you. That is not the job of any other person on the planet. That is the job of your Maker and you in an intimate relationship with each other. After that, you move out to fulfilling relationships where there is a mutual giving and receiving of love. Of course, it is necessary to find your source of self love from the unconditional love of God. The Gift of loving yourself must first be opened and received as a gift from your Creator. It is an intrinsic part of your inner being.
Loving yourself also requires that you love ALL of yourself, not just those good qualities that you admire or the ones you self created. Loving yourself means accepting the angry and unloving components because in those you will stay humble and know you need a God bigger than you to transform those weaknesses into more loving behaviors. If you split off the parts you deem flaws or bad and don’t allow them to be changed into more loving responses, you will not be whole.
You will meet many people who seem to be one way at home and a completely different person with others. That is a person who is split. They are acting and presenting who they want or need others to see outside their intimate circle. Inside with intimate relationships, they may act the opposite. This is often referred to as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome.
Another way to tell if someone is not loving their whole self is if they are over reactive to certain situations or are easily triggered into extreme behaviors (for example, raging).
You must begin to learn to give yourself the gift of accepting and loving yourself just as you are and admitting that you have faults and weaknesses. Affirm that you are a work in progress or on a journey that will never be complete until your life on earth is over. You do not have to change you overnight (nor could you even expect to do that), but you do have to admit that you need to make changes. That is the first step. What most people do, however, is to either change to the other extreme or get rid of having the issue at all. For example, if a person is dealing with anger, they will often go to never allowing themselves to get angry or they will dump all their anger out on others saying it is just the way they are and you need to accept them as they are and love them that way.
A healthy way to deal with weaknesses is to first admit them. After that, ask for help from God to change them into more acceptable forms and to know what is at the root of the weakness. In the example of anger; it is okay to be angry, but it is not okay to dump it on someone else or vent it out to them. It is okay to ask what the anger is all about. Anger is a friend that tells you something is wrong and it is usually about unmet needs or buried feelings that are unresolved. That is why you need weaknesses. They help you grow and mature and love yourself through that process. Being a friend to yourself is the best gift you can give.
Starting today, as participants, begin to find ways you could love yourself more in a healthy way. Please post messages in reply to this about the topic of self love in general as well as how you feel it might apply to you personally.
Blessings,
Susan
Monday, January 5, 2009
In the Beginning
In the beginning, hiding began. Where do you think the notion of hiding yourself or your bad behaviors came from? Who taught you that you were doing something that needed to be hidden?
This is my topic today. I am posting hiding as one of the basic notions that causes problems in relationships. I am talking not just about relationships with others, but also with yourself. If we hide our weaknesses or things about us that we feel are defective or character flaws, do we not hide them from ourselves (over time) as well?
I have noticed that people like to present well. For the most part, they like to be liked and have others think highly of them. I think this is a need for most of us. If we are ashamed or self conscious about something and it bothers us, we may try to cover it up, like a cat in his litter box. Even after covering, it still has an odor. We may try to act differently and may even pretend we do not have that problem even though it still lurks beneath the surface. I do feel this is at the root of many relationship issues.
Not liking or admitting to a weakness and trying to run and hide from it will always lead to problematic behaviors. You need that weakness and that character defect to be admitted and worked on, not hidden. If you do not, you will either project it onto someone else or develop self loathing in order to deal with it. Neither one of those strategies is healthy.
A lot of people try to recreate themselves into who they would like to be. They may either compare themselves to someone they think has it all together and adapt some of their behaviors or they may act in a fashion that creates an identity that is acceptable to others around them. This is usually what happens during childhood. A parent is unhappy with a child acting in a certain way so the parent tells the child how they “should” be acting. This is okay as long as the parent is healthy and is giving wise and healthy parenting advice. The problem is that most of us have our own flaws and when they show up in our children, we try to stamp them out without finding what is causing the behavior. For example, if you have a child throwing temper tantrums and turning themselves blue from holding their breath, you do not throw water on them until they extinguish the behavior. If you do that, you will most likely stop the behavior, but that child will learn it is not okay to have angry feelings or will not learn to deal with them in a healthy way.
It is important to admit our character defects and not hide from them. Creating a new identity is not the issue. Learning about yourself and finding your true identity is the issue. This calls for self awareness and being conscious of your actions.
Hiding our true self and presenting a false self or a fake identity blocks intimacy. Relationships suffer when we are not free to be ourselves due to cover up and shame. It also leads to addictions and compulsive behaviors. This is because hiding a dark side or a character flaw is hard to maintain if you are living a fully awake, conscious life of sobriety. Deep down there is a wounded self yearning to be free and in a lot of pain. That self will need to be deadened in some way. There are numerous things people use to cover pain such as work, alcohol, drugs, religion, shopping, relationships and so forth.
As you begin this New Year, begin with you and ask yourself what behaviors you might be hiding that you do not like. Beginning with yourself is the best place to start when you are looking for help, no matter what the situation. It is important to get honest with yourself and have the desire to take a candid assessment of your own behaviors and how you respond or react toward others with whom you are in close association. I cannot stress this part enough. If you start with others and what they are doing, you will be working backwards. Starting with yourself is the place to begin because the rule of thumb in therapy is: You cannot change others but you can change yourself and your responses to others.
The Serenity Prayer is “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” Many of us have spent our life trying to be someone we are not. Addictive/compulsive behaviors may be an attempt to escape from our true self because we do not really like who we are as a person. This is not the answer. The answer is to begin by believing that we are enough just as we are and to accept yourself with the idea that you are not going to stay stuck in old patterns that are destructive and that you can be free to be yourself.
Separating and hiding from your inner being because you carry shame and guilt of who you are is something that needs to change. It promotes self hatred and you need the opposite of that. You need self love. You are a unique and beautiful masterpiece that may have coverings that are not as beautiful as the real you. There have been valuable paintings found that were covered over by a not so good painting because someone wanted to reuse the canvas. You are that masterpiece that either you or others have covered over with hiding and shame of the real you.
Let’s talk about what you are hiding and why you think you need to hide. Let’s talk about shame and self hatred and feelings of “less than” or trying to be “better than.” Let’s talk about who you really are and how you can uncover your true identity. What are your thoughts on hiding? This forum is a good place to get honest with yourself and others about when you went into hiding along with what you are hiding about yourself from others. Let’s also talk about how others respond to you with your weaknesses. Do they accept you just as you are or do they want you to be someone else?
Please post your feelings about the issue of hiding and pretending and how you feel they block intimacy with yourself and others.
Look forward to tomorrow when I will present the idea of loving yourself and why it is not only not selfish, but imperative that you learn to do it.
Blessings,
Susan
This is my topic today. I am posting hiding as one of the basic notions that causes problems in relationships. I am talking not just about relationships with others, but also with yourself. If we hide our weaknesses or things about us that we feel are defective or character flaws, do we not hide them from ourselves (over time) as well?
I have noticed that people like to present well. For the most part, they like to be liked and have others think highly of them. I think this is a need for most of us. If we are ashamed or self conscious about something and it bothers us, we may try to cover it up, like a cat in his litter box. Even after covering, it still has an odor. We may try to act differently and may even pretend we do not have that problem even though it still lurks beneath the surface. I do feel this is at the root of many relationship issues.
Not liking or admitting to a weakness and trying to run and hide from it will always lead to problematic behaviors. You need that weakness and that character defect to be admitted and worked on, not hidden. If you do not, you will either project it onto someone else or develop self loathing in order to deal with it. Neither one of those strategies is healthy.
A lot of people try to recreate themselves into who they would like to be. They may either compare themselves to someone they think has it all together and adapt some of their behaviors or they may act in a fashion that creates an identity that is acceptable to others around them. This is usually what happens during childhood. A parent is unhappy with a child acting in a certain way so the parent tells the child how they “should” be acting. This is okay as long as the parent is healthy and is giving wise and healthy parenting advice. The problem is that most of us have our own flaws and when they show up in our children, we try to stamp them out without finding what is causing the behavior. For example, if you have a child throwing temper tantrums and turning themselves blue from holding their breath, you do not throw water on them until they extinguish the behavior. If you do that, you will most likely stop the behavior, but that child will learn it is not okay to have angry feelings or will not learn to deal with them in a healthy way.
It is important to admit our character defects and not hide from them. Creating a new identity is not the issue. Learning about yourself and finding your true identity is the issue. This calls for self awareness and being conscious of your actions.
Hiding our true self and presenting a false self or a fake identity blocks intimacy. Relationships suffer when we are not free to be ourselves due to cover up and shame. It also leads to addictions and compulsive behaviors. This is because hiding a dark side or a character flaw is hard to maintain if you are living a fully awake, conscious life of sobriety. Deep down there is a wounded self yearning to be free and in a lot of pain. That self will need to be deadened in some way. There are numerous things people use to cover pain such as work, alcohol, drugs, religion, shopping, relationships and so forth.
As you begin this New Year, begin with you and ask yourself what behaviors you might be hiding that you do not like. Beginning with yourself is the best place to start when you are looking for help, no matter what the situation. It is important to get honest with yourself and have the desire to take a candid assessment of your own behaviors and how you respond or react toward others with whom you are in close association. I cannot stress this part enough. If you start with others and what they are doing, you will be working backwards. Starting with yourself is the place to begin because the rule of thumb in therapy is: You cannot change others but you can change yourself and your responses to others.
The Serenity Prayer is “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” Many of us have spent our life trying to be someone we are not. Addictive/compulsive behaviors may be an attempt to escape from our true self because we do not really like who we are as a person. This is not the answer. The answer is to begin by believing that we are enough just as we are and to accept yourself with the idea that you are not going to stay stuck in old patterns that are destructive and that you can be free to be yourself.
Separating and hiding from your inner being because you carry shame and guilt of who you are is something that needs to change. It promotes self hatred and you need the opposite of that. You need self love. You are a unique and beautiful masterpiece that may have coverings that are not as beautiful as the real you. There have been valuable paintings found that were covered over by a not so good painting because someone wanted to reuse the canvas. You are that masterpiece that either you or others have covered over with hiding and shame of the real you.
Let’s talk about what you are hiding and why you think you need to hide. Let’s talk about shame and self hatred and feelings of “less than” or trying to be “better than.” Let’s talk about who you really are and how you can uncover your true identity. What are your thoughts on hiding? This forum is a good place to get honest with yourself and others about when you went into hiding along with what you are hiding about yourself from others. Let’s also talk about how others respond to you with your weaknesses. Do they accept you just as you are or do they want you to be someone else?
Please post your feelings about the issue of hiding and pretending and how you feel they block intimacy with yourself and others.
Look forward to tomorrow when I will present the idea of loving yourself and why it is not only not selfish, but imperative that you learn to do it.
Blessings,
Susan
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