No topic today. The blog is open for any and all rants, raves, questions, answers, universal wisdom or just plain lunacy.
Step right up, blog your comment and see what happens…
Blessings,
Susan
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Under the Influence
What comes to mind when you hear those words?
There are many images and thoughts that come up for me when I hear those words, but I am using them in the context of personal relationships, unresolved issues from the past, thinking, unhealthy behaviors, or things and situations that are keeping you from living free to be yourself. This connects back to the previously posted blog on identity and authenticity.
Living under the influence of other people can be anything from you living outside yourself trying to figure out how you need to act for other people to living in denial and as a false self. It is a painful way to live and has elements of old ways that you used to live in order to survive or get along in life during some “tough times”. Typically, people continue using these outmoded ways long after they need them.
For example, if you are hiding a secret from your past that you would be shamed of anyone finding out, this may be keeping you in fear. You are under the influence of that fear and so you pretend. Pretending doesn’t just stop with that one secret. You begin to pretend about other things or pretend it wasn’t as bad as it was or that it was worse than it was…all kinds of crazy thoughts start spinning around inside your head.
Another example might be that you have an angry reaction to someone over something little. What is that about? What influence are you under? Is it feelings of rejection? Is it some other feeling from something unresolved in the past?
Being under the influence of a person means that you are trying to act in the way you think they need you to act. Being under the influence of other people means that you are always trying to figure out what they need and you try to get that for them or solve their problem for them. Being under the influence of any substance (including food) means that you have to have that substance (in an unhealthy way) in order to feel good. Being under the influence of things means that you cannot live without your possessions or that you obsess about them. Being under the influence of religion means you turn everything into the spiritual realm. Being under the influence of exercise or work or anything else that is immoderate in your life is problematic.
In order to live in moderation and spontaneity, it is wise to check to see if you are out of balance and under anything that is influencing you too much. We all go through seasons where we might have to be out of balance (for example, studying during exam times or new parents meeting needs of little ones), but if it is a lifetime pattern of behavior, it will be impossible to be free to be you. Ask yourself if you are prone to be under the influence of anything in an unhealthy way.
Blessings,
Susan
There are many images and thoughts that come up for me when I hear those words, but I am using them in the context of personal relationships, unresolved issues from the past, thinking, unhealthy behaviors, or things and situations that are keeping you from living free to be yourself. This connects back to the previously posted blog on identity and authenticity.
Living under the influence of other people can be anything from you living outside yourself trying to figure out how you need to act for other people to living in denial and as a false self. It is a painful way to live and has elements of old ways that you used to live in order to survive or get along in life during some “tough times”. Typically, people continue using these outmoded ways long after they need them.
For example, if you are hiding a secret from your past that you would be shamed of anyone finding out, this may be keeping you in fear. You are under the influence of that fear and so you pretend. Pretending doesn’t just stop with that one secret. You begin to pretend about other things or pretend it wasn’t as bad as it was or that it was worse than it was…all kinds of crazy thoughts start spinning around inside your head.
Another example might be that you have an angry reaction to someone over something little. What is that about? What influence are you under? Is it feelings of rejection? Is it some other feeling from something unresolved in the past?
Being under the influence of a person means that you are trying to act in the way you think they need you to act. Being under the influence of other people means that you are always trying to figure out what they need and you try to get that for them or solve their problem for them. Being under the influence of any substance (including food) means that you have to have that substance (in an unhealthy way) in order to feel good. Being under the influence of things means that you cannot live without your possessions or that you obsess about them. Being under the influence of religion means you turn everything into the spiritual realm. Being under the influence of exercise or work or anything else that is immoderate in your life is problematic.
In order to live in moderation and spontaneity, it is wise to check to see if you are out of balance and under anything that is influencing you too much. We all go through seasons where we might have to be out of balance (for example, studying during exam times or new parents meeting needs of little ones), but if it is a lifetime pattern of behavior, it will be impossible to be free to be you. Ask yourself if you are prone to be under the influence of anything in an unhealthy way.
Blessings,
Susan
Friday, January 23, 2009
Moving From Darkness Into Light
I have been thinking a lot about what causes some people to grow and mature and what causes some to stay stuck or in the dark. I know this is a complex topic, but I do believe it is worth spending some time considering.
If you are a person who has yearned to be free from others’ opinions or approval rating, perhaps it is time to begin moving from the shadow others may have cast over you. Often moving into your own personal light space requires letting go of the need for approval. Rejection is common to all of humanity. WE cannot escape it. If you live your life hoping for approval from others and fearing rejection, you will stay in their shadow and in your own darkness to self.
Moving forward in consciousness of yourself may call for a more inward look than you have previously been used to taking. Our tendency is often to look outward to other people and external circumstances to find solutions to our problems. I write a lot about asking yourself what is going on with you and your feelings. This means you must take an inner look at how you feel instead of the “if only” approach that means someone else is responsible for change in order for you to be happy or that circumstances have to change in order for you to feel joy.
Blaming people or circumstances for your unhappiness or anger is about you not accepting things as they are. You need to find ways to move to the light so you can make changes that will improve your circumstances. Some may respond to this as, “but you don’t know my circumstances.” I understand that some things are very difficult and many people are suffering, but accepting things as they are and finding ways to come into the light of your own attitude will help.
Expectations are one of the greatest deterrents to moving from the dark into the light. When people or circumstances do not turn out as you would have anticipated or hoped, we often become hurt, angry, frustrated or have other negative emotions. That is normal. Coming into the light from those feelings of sadness and depressed state calls for growth and leads to maturity. When we face challenges that seem very dark and hopeless, it is often the very thing that will lead us into our most significant times of illumination and higher consciousness to our inner being and connection to what is most sacred.
Ask yourself if you are hiding in the darkness of blaming others, expectations of others or avoiding pain past or present. Think about your greatest obstacles and challenges right now. Are you telling yourself that someone else has to do something or that something has to change before you can change or experience joy? That will keep you in darkness or certainly in the shadows. Moving towards the light requires hope and a way out of this present darkness. Examine your life and your current situation and write down some responses to this posting and these questions. Share them with us.
Blessings,
Susan
If you are a person who has yearned to be free from others’ opinions or approval rating, perhaps it is time to begin moving from the shadow others may have cast over you. Often moving into your own personal light space requires letting go of the need for approval. Rejection is common to all of humanity. WE cannot escape it. If you live your life hoping for approval from others and fearing rejection, you will stay in their shadow and in your own darkness to self.
Moving forward in consciousness of yourself may call for a more inward look than you have previously been used to taking. Our tendency is often to look outward to other people and external circumstances to find solutions to our problems. I write a lot about asking yourself what is going on with you and your feelings. This means you must take an inner look at how you feel instead of the “if only” approach that means someone else is responsible for change in order for you to be happy or that circumstances have to change in order for you to feel joy.
Blaming people or circumstances for your unhappiness or anger is about you not accepting things as they are. You need to find ways to move to the light so you can make changes that will improve your circumstances. Some may respond to this as, “but you don’t know my circumstances.” I understand that some things are very difficult and many people are suffering, but accepting things as they are and finding ways to come into the light of your own attitude will help.
Expectations are one of the greatest deterrents to moving from the dark into the light. When people or circumstances do not turn out as you would have anticipated or hoped, we often become hurt, angry, frustrated or have other negative emotions. That is normal. Coming into the light from those feelings of sadness and depressed state calls for growth and leads to maturity. When we face challenges that seem very dark and hopeless, it is often the very thing that will lead us into our most significant times of illumination and higher consciousness to our inner being and connection to what is most sacred.
Ask yourself if you are hiding in the darkness of blaming others, expectations of others or avoiding pain past or present. Think about your greatest obstacles and challenges right now. Are you telling yourself that someone else has to do something or that something has to change before you can change or experience joy? That will keep you in darkness or certainly in the shadows. Moving towards the light requires hope and a way out of this present darkness. Examine your life and your current situation and write down some responses to this posting and these questions. Share them with us.
Blessings,
Susan
Monday, January 19, 2009
Intimacy 101
This is a term that is used in a variety of ways in our society. The dictionary defines it as a “close personal relationship.” Other definitions of the word are used in conjunction with the environment as “a quiet or private atmosphere;” or regarding knowledge as “a detailed knowledge resulting from a close or long association of study;” or in a behavior as “private and personal action or utterance.” Intimacy as an action in our society is often understood to just refer to sexual intimacy.
In order to experience true intimacy in every way, I believe it is important to have an intimate relationship with self. In my view, that would mean you would experience familiarity and closeness with your own being. You would have an understanding and inner awareness of your own identity. I am not sure if most people ever stop to consider this aspect of intimacy or if they first run off to someone else looking for intimacy.
From my perspective, it is nearly impossible to experience intimacy in all of its forms: relationally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, or even sexually without first having some notion of your own identity and being intimate with yourself. I do believe that we often learn and understand ourselves better in the context of other relationships. However, we can be in denial and immature in those relationships if we have not firstly connected with ourselves in a deeper way.
In order to live your life conscious of yourself, you must begin a journey of intimacy with yourself. We are all in denial of certain aspects of ourselves, so it becomes easy to either take another’s opinion of you or make up one about yourself in the way you want to be seen and feel it is the real you. This is usually done to the extent that it was not okay to be accepted as yourself as a child. Often children who are physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused as children will take on roles of who they need to be for the parents or who they need to be in order to survive those times.
The trouble with being in denial and not intimate with yourself is you may be using outmoded behaviors developed in childhood to cope as versions of what you believe to be the real you. For example, if you developed a hero role in your family of origin, you may still be doing that for others and taking responsibility for others in ways that you need not be doing. You may think or even feel you need to be doing these things, but resent them deep in your unconscious.
The problem with lack of intimacy with self is that you live outside yourself and are dependent on others or something other than self to guide you. It also blocks an intimate relationship with God because you are living as you think, not necessarily the way God is requiring. This often happens in many “religious” people. They are actually not spiritual at all as they are closed off from the intimacy with self and also with God. They are living under rules and codes and values that are either of their own making or ones they learned from somewhere outside and not from God.
Begin to think about areas where you may not be intimately in touch with yourself. Are you letting others define you? Are you blaming others for your problems? Are you focused more outside yourself than trusting your inner being? I will have much more to explore about intimacy in future blogs, but I would like to hear your feedback on the topic in any form that this one has generated.
Blessings,
Susan
In order to experience true intimacy in every way, I believe it is important to have an intimate relationship with self. In my view, that would mean you would experience familiarity and closeness with your own being. You would have an understanding and inner awareness of your own identity. I am not sure if most people ever stop to consider this aspect of intimacy or if they first run off to someone else looking for intimacy.
From my perspective, it is nearly impossible to experience intimacy in all of its forms: relationally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, or even sexually without first having some notion of your own identity and being intimate with yourself. I do believe that we often learn and understand ourselves better in the context of other relationships. However, we can be in denial and immature in those relationships if we have not firstly connected with ourselves in a deeper way.
In order to live your life conscious of yourself, you must begin a journey of intimacy with yourself. We are all in denial of certain aspects of ourselves, so it becomes easy to either take another’s opinion of you or make up one about yourself in the way you want to be seen and feel it is the real you. This is usually done to the extent that it was not okay to be accepted as yourself as a child. Often children who are physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused as children will take on roles of who they need to be for the parents or who they need to be in order to survive those times.
The trouble with being in denial and not intimate with yourself is you may be using outmoded behaviors developed in childhood to cope as versions of what you believe to be the real you. For example, if you developed a hero role in your family of origin, you may still be doing that for others and taking responsibility for others in ways that you need not be doing. You may think or even feel you need to be doing these things, but resent them deep in your unconscious.
The problem with lack of intimacy with self is that you live outside yourself and are dependent on others or something other than self to guide you. It also blocks an intimate relationship with God because you are living as you think, not necessarily the way God is requiring. This often happens in many “religious” people. They are actually not spiritual at all as they are closed off from the intimacy with self and also with God. They are living under rules and codes and values that are either of their own making or ones they learned from somewhere outside and not from God.
Begin to think about areas where you may not be intimately in touch with yourself. Are you letting others define you? Are you blaming others for your problems? Are you focused more outside yourself than trusting your inner being? I will have much more to explore about intimacy in future blogs, but I would like to hear your feedback on the topic in any form that this one has generated.
Blessings,
Susan
Friday, January 16, 2009
Got Questions?
On ocassion I want to break away from the topic that is currently under discussion and open up the blog to general questions or concerns. I know some of you may be struggling with an urgent problem and would like to air it and invite responses. This will more likely happen on a weekend when I have more time to also respond myself to your questions.
Please limit the posted questions to TWO. If two have already been posted and you still want your question addressed, please send it in an email and I will post it at a later time or consider it for a full blog topic.
The more discussion by all, the greater the benefit to all. JOIN IN - I assure you there will be others with the same questions and concerns. Even if the topic doesn't "fit" you, your insight will still be valuable.
Blessings, Susan
Please limit the posted questions to TWO. If two have already been posted and you still want your question addressed, please send it in an email and I will post it at a later time or consider it for a full blog topic.
The more discussion by all, the greater the benefit to all. JOIN IN - I assure you there will be others with the same questions and concerns. Even if the topic doesn't "fit" you, your insight will still be valuable.
Blessings, Susan
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Triggers and Overreactions
Emotional Triggers and Over Reactive Behaviors Can Be Powerful clues to uncovering some of our hidden identity and exposing unresolved issues that need healing.
One of the first steps in waking up to your identity and authenticity is to develop an understanding of “triggers.” Triggers produce the reactions you have to others that “push your buttons” and “set you off.” Triggers usually take us out of adult mode and into a more childlike form of ourselves. We know we are not grounded in our adult, but often cannot stop our reactions or over reactions. Literally, our mood shifts “just like that.”
Triggers and our reactions to them are things we really need to pay attention to because they give us clues and insights into memories, experiences and wounds we encountered as children that are still either unresolved inside us or situations that we never got to work through as children. Adult relationships allow new opportunities to do that if we begin to pay attention to our triggers.
The triggers and our reaction to them are about our inner child letting us know something is wrong inside and something is bothering us in a significant way. Instead of making it about the other person and their behavior, first ask yourself what is really going on with you. For example, if you have a boss who is intimidating or shames you and you just “can’t stand it” and over react each time he/she pushes your buttons, you need to ask yourself what you are feeling and when you first remember feeling a similar way. Chances are a memory from childhood or an earlier time will pop up. This is an unresolved issue. It could be that your older brother or kids in the neighborhood bullied and picked on you or maybe a parent, teacher or coach intimidated you and you had no way to protect yourself against that behavior as a child.
The next time you are emotionally triggered, instead of using fight, flight or freeze, take responsibility for your reaction and your part in the problem. Then, revisit the situation later when both you and the other person are in your adult and try to work through a resolution and share what made you react so strongly. When we can talk through things and stay adult about our emotional triggers and reactions, we experience growth opportunities and the chance to change our reactions into healthy adult responses.
When both parties stay in their wounded, child reactions and blame each other, it results in the same old patterns being repeated and zero growth or maturity is practiced. Our unresolved and hidden wounds of the past often rise up in our closest relationships and can grow into resentments against those people. In fact, it is often our inner self that we are ignoring.
Pay attention to your own inner being and your feelings because they are the key to knowing and growing into a more authentic you. Start by observing yourself when you are triggered or someone pushes your buttons. Notice the physical feelings your body experiences. Examine your behavior and monitor how you are feeling emotionally. Do you have a lot of rage or strong anger? Ask yourself what is really going on inside of you. You may want do some journaling to process through times in the past when you have had similar reactions.
Feel free to share any experiences you have had with triggers. What “sets you off”?
One of the first steps in waking up to your identity and authenticity is to develop an understanding of “triggers.” Triggers produce the reactions you have to others that “push your buttons” and “set you off.” Triggers usually take us out of adult mode and into a more childlike form of ourselves. We know we are not grounded in our adult, but often cannot stop our reactions or over reactions. Literally, our mood shifts “just like that.”
Triggers and our reactions to them are things we really need to pay attention to because they give us clues and insights into memories, experiences and wounds we encountered as children that are still either unresolved inside us or situations that we never got to work through as children. Adult relationships allow new opportunities to do that if we begin to pay attention to our triggers.
The triggers and our reaction to them are about our inner child letting us know something is wrong inside and something is bothering us in a significant way. Instead of making it about the other person and their behavior, first ask yourself what is really going on with you. For example, if you have a boss who is intimidating or shames you and you just “can’t stand it” and over react each time he/she pushes your buttons, you need to ask yourself what you are feeling and when you first remember feeling a similar way. Chances are a memory from childhood or an earlier time will pop up. This is an unresolved issue. It could be that your older brother or kids in the neighborhood bullied and picked on you or maybe a parent, teacher or coach intimidated you and you had no way to protect yourself against that behavior as a child.
The next time you are emotionally triggered, instead of using fight, flight or freeze, take responsibility for your reaction and your part in the problem. Then, revisit the situation later when both you and the other person are in your adult and try to work through a resolution and share what made you react so strongly. When we can talk through things and stay adult about our emotional triggers and reactions, we experience growth opportunities and the chance to change our reactions into healthy adult responses.
When both parties stay in their wounded, child reactions and blame each other, it results in the same old patterns being repeated and zero growth or maturity is practiced. Our unresolved and hidden wounds of the past often rise up in our closest relationships and can grow into resentments against those people. In fact, it is often our inner self that we are ignoring.
Pay attention to your own inner being and your feelings because they are the key to knowing and growing into a more authentic you. Start by observing yourself when you are triggered or someone pushes your buttons. Notice the physical feelings your body experiences. Examine your behavior and monitor how you are feeling emotionally. Do you have a lot of rage or strong anger? Ask yourself what is really going on inside of you. You may want do some journaling to process through times in the past when you have had similar reactions.
Feel free to share any experiences you have had with triggers. What “sets you off”?
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Identity and Authenticity
The topic this week is about not hiding your true self and loving all parts of you. Part of the ability to be able to do that requires awareness of self and identity. Many people tell me in the course of therapy that they have no idea who they really are and what their identity is all about. To me, this is very sad and I can even think of a time when that was the case for me.
The idea of discovering your true identity and finding your authentic self is the best course you can set for yourself. Living up to someone else’s reality of who you need to be or living with a mask on that you created because you fear not being accepted as you are or thinking that a false self is a better person than the real you, is an insidious way to live. It makes no sense.
Begin to think about the real you and how far away from that person you are and what it would take to allow the freedom to be authentic. It is a journey that is not just about moving from where you are now to a new place or point on a line. It has aspects that are woven among the three parts of your being which are physical, emotional, and spiritual. True knowing of your self and identity will require knowing how you are known by your Creator which in turn means you must know the Creator of your being. You are more than a bunch of cells with a unique DNA. You have a spiritual being that connects to the physical world and your feelings and emotions.
As you consider your own identity, try to focus on the fact that you have inherent worth, are deeply lovable and are loved by God. If you can accept and affirm yourself in that paradigm, you can begin to accept yourself as you are and get grounded in your reality. If you have lived in the shadow of someone else’s reality of you, it will feel strange to give yourself permission to begin to live in your own reality and the things that matter to you.
It is possible that you are living in some self deception. Regardless of denial or self deceptions, you still need to start with things that matter to you and the way you see life. You can work on distortions with the help of God and other wise counsel. Be committed to stay true to your view of those things that are important to you.
It matters who you are and how you feel. It matters what you think about things. Ask yourself these questions: How do I feel about _____________? What am I feeling right now? Discover your likes and dislikes. Meet with God and ask for truth about yourself. There is no substitute for prayer and seeking help to discover these core issues of self. Read books that talk about identity and self awareness. Find a group or a good therapist that will help guide you into the process of unmasking or coming out of hiding. Many times people go into hiding to protect themselves from past trauma and/or traumatic situations and they don’t come out without professional help.
Reply today with responses that talk about identity and ways you have either worked through some of these things to find your true self or post questions you might have about the process. Just generate some messaging that explores this whole issue of how we gain self awareness and learn to stay grounded and free to be our authentic self.
The idea of discovering your true identity and finding your authentic self is the best course you can set for yourself. Living up to someone else’s reality of who you need to be or living with a mask on that you created because you fear not being accepted as you are or thinking that a false self is a better person than the real you, is an insidious way to live. It makes no sense.
Begin to think about the real you and how far away from that person you are and what it would take to allow the freedom to be authentic. It is a journey that is not just about moving from where you are now to a new place or point on a line. It has aspects that are woven among the three parts of your being which are physical, emotional, and spiritual. True knowing of your self and identity will require knowing how you are known by your Creator which in turn means you must know the Creator of your being. You are more than a bunch of cells with a unique DNA. You have a spiritual being that connects to the physical world and your feelings and emotions.
As you consider your own identity, try to focus on the fact that you have inherent worth, are deeply lovable and are loved by God. If you can accept and affirm yourself in that paradigm, you can begin to accept yourself as you are and get grounded in your reality. If you have lived in the shadow of someone else’s reality of you, it will feel strange to give yourself permission to begin to live in your own reality and the things that matter to you.
It is possible that you are living in some self deception. Regardless of denial or self deceptions, you still need to start with things that matter to you and the way you see life. You can work on distortions with the help of God and other wise counsel. Be committed to stay true to your view of those things that are important to you.
It matters who you are and how you feel. It matters what you think about things. Ask yourself these questions: How do I feel about _____________? What am I feeling right now? Discover your likes and dislikes. Meet with God and ask for truth about yourself. There is no substitute for prayer and seeking help to discover these core issues of self. Read books that talk about identity and self awareness. Find a group or a good therapist that will help guide you into the process of unmasking or coming out of hiding. Many times people go into hiding to protect themselves from past trauma and/or traumatic situations and they don’t come out without professional help.
Reply today with responses that talk about identity and ways you have either worked through some of these things to find your true self or post questions you might have about the process. Just generate some messaging that explores this whole issue of how we gain self awareness and learn to stay grounded and free to be our authentic self.
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