We all have people in our lives that inflict pain on us at one time or another. It can come from a parent, your best friend, your partner or almost anyone. The people that are closest to us are the ones who often hurt us the most. These actions can be in the form of lies, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, abuse or other offenses. Wounds of this kind can leave you with feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment that are difficult to get beyond.
When you experience the damage from someone’s actions or words, you feel anger, confusion, bitterness, feelings of immense pain and other strong emotions that are powerful and difficult to release. Over time, grudges and more hostility around the offense(s) grow and may even cause you to replay them over and over in your mind. Roots of bitterness and a sense of injustice begin to overwhelm you. You may even feel trapped by them. This often leads to thinking it would be impossible to let go of them.
Holding on to pain, resentments, bitterness, anger, or hatred causes suffering in our own lives. Over time, it is our own being that suffers. It takes a lot of energy to keep feeding these feelings. They also bleed over into other relationships and keep us from enjoying the present. This can lead to anxiety, depression, chronic pain and many physical health issues. Lack of forgiveness is also a block to emotional and spiritual maturity.
Practicing forgiveness is a process and is not the same as forgetting what has happened to you. The acts you forgive may always remain a part of your life. It is nearly impossible to forget the abusive behaviors of others, but forgiveness can lessen the hold that memory has on you. It will also help you focus on the other, more positive parts of your life. Forgiveness does not mean that you ignore the other person’s responsibility for hurting you and it doesn’t minimize or excuse the wrong committed.
The first step to forgiving another is to recognize you have unforgiveness and that it is hurting you more than anyone. Gaining awareness of the benefits you will receive and why it is important to forgive is the beginning of letting go. Committing to let go of the need for justice and your role as a victim actually releases control the offending person has held over your life. It means you actively choose to change old patterns and beliefs so that you will no longer define your life by bitterness and resentments around these hurts.
The next steps in the act of forgiveness are about facing the pain and admitting what actually happened and how it has affected you. It will be important to feel the feelings which can be done through journaling or working through them with a counselor. Part of this process may include the need to forgive yourself for any part you have had in building walls of resentment, hanging onto grudges, or hurting others out of your own pain. Writing is very healing during this time as it brings your body into the process so your thoughts connect with the pain in your heart.
The path of forgiveness takes time and is not microwavable, but it is the key to emotional and spiritual well being. It allows you to be free to accept what has happened without the need for the other person to do anything. Continuing to live a life of forgiving others will keep you from carrying unnecessary burdens.
Blessings,
Susan
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Experiencing Life in Process
Many people spend time “working” out their problems with the help of a professional for a season. This season of time is often referred to as the “processing issues time”. The manner in which people process their issues can vary through the use of psychotherapy or counseling with someone on a specific issue such as depression. Most people can benefit from a period of actively processing their issues. It helps to have someone trained to listen and give feedback as difficult or traumatic circumstances are dealt with in this manner.
The interesting thing I find as a therapist is that most people find it would benefit them to have someone in their life they could depend on to be there to bounce things off of throughout their lives. This doesn’t mean they want to go into “deep” process about everything because that is usually for issues of a more serious nature.
However, the process of living does require process. By that I mean, if a person just moves through life randomly without experiencing it or taking it in to their inner being, they are missing out on so much. Living completely, fully, wholly, joyfully, serenely and with interaction with all dimensions of self and others makes the journey of life richer. In order to live in the dimensions of emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical, you will have to begin to live in process.
Reconnecting with what has been forgotten or moved away from requires intention to do so. The desire to live fully alive has to be conceived first as a need. Many people reach the ages of 35-50 and start to ask if they are missing out on something. If they ask that question, they are searching for more. More is not going to be found outside your self. More is found from working inside out. Getting in touch with your inner being is the beginning of living in process.
Connecting with life through the scientific or through facts and information is not being fully alive. Living in that manner is moving through life with an exterior connection to things and people at a surface level. The experience of relationships alone must be lived in process with them in the physical, emotional and spiritual realms. The deeper experiences of life and things that grow and mature us need time and process. Living in the wholeness of ourselves is about taking responsibility and ownership for our lives.
It is possible to begin to take an accounting of your life right now and ask if you feel you are living in process. For example, ask:
Do you feel you have grown and matured since you left your family of origin? Have you become your own person?
Have you experienced life differently from the way in which your parents did?
Are you living in the present connected to those important people in your life with healthy relationships?
Do you feel alive and excited about what is happening in your life or are you focused on the past or looking for a better future?
Do you see life as a journey that is giving you more maturity, wisdom and a deeper sense of the spiritual?
Take time to ask yourself other questions that are about living from the inside out and taking time to reflect and process on your reality. Write about your growth stages.
Blessings,
Susan
The interesting thing I find as a therapist is that most people find it would benefit them to have someone in their life they could depend on to be there to bounce things off of throughout their lives. This doesn’t mean they want to go into “deep” process about everything because that is usually for issues of a more serious nature.
However, the process of living does require process. By that I mean, if a person just moves through life randomly without experiencing it or taking it in to their inner being, they are missing out on so much. Living completely, fully, wholly, joyfully, serenely and with interaction with all dimensions of self and others makes the journey of life richer. In order to live in the dimensions of emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical, you will have to begin to live in process.
Reconnecting with what has been forgotten or moved away from requires intention to do so. The desire to live fully alive has to be conceived first as a need. Many people reach the ages of 35-50 and start to ask if they are missing out on something. If they ask that question, they are searching for more. More is not going to be found outside your self. More is found from working inside out. Getting in touch with your inner being is the beginning of living in process.
Connecting with life through the scientific or through facts and information is not being fully alive. Living in that manner is moving through life with an exterior connection to things and people at a surface level. The experience of relationships alone must be lived in process with them in the physical, emotional and spiritual realms. The deeper experiences of life and things that grow and mature us need time and process. Living in the wholeness of ourselves is about taking responsibility and ownership for our lives.
It is possible to begin to take an accounting of your life right now and ask if you feel you are living in process. For example, ask:
Do you feel you have grown and matured since you left your family of origin? Have you become your own person?
Have you experienced life differently from the way in which your parents did?
Are you living in the present connected to those important people in your life with healthy relationships?
Do you feel alive and excited about what is happening in your life or are you focused on the past or looking for a better future?
Do you see life as a journey that is giving you more maturity, wisdom and a deeper sense of the spiritual?
Take time to ask yourself other questions that are about living from the inside out and taking time to reflect and process on your reality. Write about your growth stages.
Blessings,
Susan
Sunday, March 8, 2009
EMOTIONS: DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT THEM
When I think of emotions, I think of a state of being. When I think of feelings, I think of how I make meaning out of something or how I perceive a situation. When emotions, such as sadness, are coupled with confused thinking and too much adrenaline, our feelings cannot be trusted. They will be out of control and we may act in a frenzied way.
We need to learn to let emotions of any kind be run through a purification system in order to get to our real feelings. If we are codependent or trying to control others, it will be hard to trust that our feelings are pure. They will be true to us, but not necessarily pure. If we act out of confused or distorted thinking, our actions will be reactive rather than based on authentic responses.
This is why it is important to take responsibility for your feelings and work through thinking so that emotions can give you true perceptions of how you really feel. When you are unclear in your thinking or confused, perceptions tend to get muddied. They may not be reliable. When you work through tough problems and unresolved issues, you will have a much clearer assessment of what is going on and can trust your feelings.
It is time for you to relearn the skills of discernment and intuition. If you have had trauma or struggles with intimate relationships, you will need to do some inner work on your own experiences. Connecting with Higher Power awareness and spirituality can bring sensitivity to truth and honest insight. During this time, you can journal your thoughts and feelings and find out what is right for you and begin to trust your heart.
The emotions and range of feelings will begin to expand as you take them with you in an honest way. You will begin to feel alive and led by love of self and God. You can learn to trust your point of view and observe situations from a healthy perspective as you allow others to have their own views as well. Feeling alive in your own self allows you to give permission to others to be alive in their own ways.
This is a process and will not happen overnight, especially if you have been codependent and viewed your world from the perspective of others or how they defined you. If you had parents that were critical or were in abusive relationships, you may have given away a lot of your personal power and connection with your emotions. It is time to begin to take back that ground and not leave home without it.
Awareness and observation are the first steps to living in your feelings and being able to trust their reality for you. Wait and do not operate out of confusion. Try not to leap to anything and be reactive, but if you do, let those reactions lead you to discover your true feelings. Why did you react in an angry or sad way? What were you really feeling? Once you ask yourself these questions, you are getting keys to what is going on with you. You will begin to feel new awareness and a sense of being alive. You will start to experience intimacy with God, yourself, and others.
I encourage you to begin today to seek this path. Get in touch with your emotions.
Blessings,
Susan
We need to learn to let emotions of any kind be run through a purification system in order to get to our real feelings. If we are codependent or trying to control others, it will be hard to trust that our feelings are pure. They will be true to us, but not necessarily pure. If we act out of confused or distorted thinking, our actions will be reactive rather than based on authentic responses.
This is why it is important to take responsibility for your feelings and work through thinking so that emotions can give you true perceptions of how you really feel. When you are unclear in your thinking or confused, perceptions tend to get muddied. They may not be reliable. When you work through tough problems and unresolved issues, you will have a much clearer assessment of what is going on and can trust your feelings.
It is time for you to relearn the skills of discernment and intuition. If you have had trauma or struggles with intimate relationships, you will need to do some inner work on your own experiences. Connecting with Higher Power awareness and spirituality can bring sensitivity to truth and honest insight. During this time, you can journal your thoughts and feelings and find out what is right for you and begin to trust your heart.
The emotions and range of feelings will begin to expand as you take them with you in an honest way. You will begin to feel alive and led by love of self and God. You can learn to trust your point of view and observe situations from a healthy perspective as you allow others to have their own views as well. Feeling alive in your own self allows you to give permission to others to be alive in their own ways.
This is a process and will not happen overnight, especially if you have been codependent and viewed your world from the perspective of others or how they defined you. If you had parents that were critical or were in abusive relationships, you may have given away a lot of your personal power and connection with your emotions. It is time to begin to take back that ground and not leave home without it.
Awareness and observation are the first steps to living in your feelings and being able to trust their reality for you. Wait and do not operate out of confusion. Try not to leap to anything and be reactive, but if you do, let those reactions lead you to discover your true feelings. Why did you react in an angry or sad way? What were you really feeling? Once you ask yourself these questions, you are getting keys to what is going on with you. You will begin to feel new awareness and a sense of being alive. You will start to experience intimacy with God, yourself, and others.
I encourage you to begin today to seek this path. Get in touch with your emotions.
Blessings,
Susan
Friday, February 27, 2009
PEARLS OF GREAT VALUE
I own a string of pearls that was given to me by my husband. I have quite a bit of jewelry, but this necklace is very special to me for a couple of reasons. My husband purchased it while he was serving one year in the army in Viet Nam. That was a difficult year of separation for us and I have always treasured the memory this string of jewels provides. Another reason for it being very prized by me is its monetary and symbolic worth.
I believe a pearl symbolizes something that comes from pain. A pearl is developed in nature from an irritant within a mollusk. The oyster or other ocean shellfish coats the irritant with a beautiful covering over the course of several years. Therefore, a pearl is born and created at a great price over a considerable period of time.
Pearls of wisdom are like that for me. They have been formed at a great price and come from the suffering I have experienced or from the suffering of others. I gained many of my pearls of wisdom from the life and words of Jesus who suffered a lot. I also have gained a lot of my wisdom from the experiences of my clients as they share their personal agony. My own suffering has afforded me familiarity with painful things fashioned at a great price as well. When I use these “pearls”, I have learned to use them wisely.
There is a verse in the Bible that speaks of not throwing your “pearls” before swine (Matthew 7:6). A pearl in ancient times was greatly valued. I am interested in what it means “not to give” your valuable gems of wisdom or what you have learned in a sacred way, to those who cannot hear those gems. The Bible says they may turn it around against you, trample it under their feet, and tear you to pieces (Matthew 7:6).
I have some ideas on what my view of what it means to not throw away pearls of great cost, but I would appreciate a sharing of your views on this one before I give my interpretation.
Please feel free to share an anecdote, example or your opinion.
Blessings,
Susan
I believe a pearl symbolizes something that comes from pain. A pearl is developed in nature from an irritant within a mollusk. The oyster or other ocean shellfish coats the irritant with a beautiful covering over the course of several years. Therefore, a pearl is born and created at a great price over a considerable period of time.
Pearls of wisdom are like that for me. They have been formed at a great price and come from the suffering I have experienced or from the suffering of others. I gained many of my pearls of wisdom from the life and words of Jesus who suffered a lot. I also have gained a lot of my wisdom from the experiences of my clients as they share their personal agony. My own suffering has afforded me familiarity with painful things fashioned at a great price as well. When I use these “pearls”, I have learned to use them wisely.
There is a verse in the Bible that speaks of not throwing your “pearls” before swine (Matthew 7:6). A pearl in ancient times was greatly valued. I am interested in what it means “not to give” your valuable gems of wisdom or what you have learned in a sacred way, to those who cannot hear those gems. The Bible says they may turn it around against you, trample it under their feet, and tear you to pieces (Matthew 7:6).
I have some ideas on what my view of what it means to not throw away pearls of great cost, but I would appreciate a sharing of your views on this one before I give my interpretation.
Please feel free to share an anecdote, example or your opinion.
Blessings,
Susan
Friday, February 20, 2009
Cutting the Approval or Acceptance Cord
The recovery from parental rejection and the defenses erected around that root can be a long process. Breaking down walls of coping mechanisms that we are using long after they are needed is tedious and takes time. The walls are so thick that you may not even realize they are not part of the real you.
One of the main responses to parental rejection is the need for approval and acceptance from others more than paying attention to what you actually need. A person operating in this mode will be very tuned into the needs of others. They may even try to meet the other’s need even before they ask for anything. Living this way causes a person to lose touch with their own needs and will often favor the needs of others over their own.
If you are craving approval and acceptance from others, you are at risk for losing a sense of yourself and your needs as well as your identity. Putting another ahead of you causes you to be out of touch with yourself and unable to experience true intimacy with others and God. It is not possible to make yourself vulnerable (which is required for true intimacy) if you are busy living outside yourself in relationships.
In addition, a focus on the needs of others over your own can become very manipulative. If you look at the motives behind this kind of behavior, it is really about making yourself look good so others will like you. You create a false person that always needs more of a “fix” to feel good about yourself. Consequently, the purpose of your willingness to do kind things for others or meet their needs is driven by your own selfish addiction to acceptance and approval.
Relationships like marriage then become very controlling and not authentic. It is impossible to be emotionally honest at the level needed in an intimate relationship if one or the other of the partners involved is practicing getting acceptance by doing what they feel the other wants. It may be a partner will feel smothered because they did not ask you to do anything to gain their approval. If you are the approval addict, you may resent all the things you are doing and not getting the credit you crave for all you do. It just becomes very scheming, confusing and not real, and, of course, painful.
Go back to the last blog and ask if you have some unresolved issues of rejection that are lurking within you. Then, ask yourself if you need to cut the cord of approval addiction.
Blessings,
Susan
One of the main responses to parental rejection is the need for approval and acceptance from others more than paying attention to what you actually need. A person operating in this mode will be very tuned into the needs of others. They may even try to meet the other’s need even before they ask for anything. Living this way causes a person to lose touch with their own needs and will often favor the needs of others over their own.
If you are craving approval and acceptance from others, you are at risk for losing a sense of yourself and your needs as well as your identity. Putting another ahead of you causes you to be out of touch with yourself and unable to experience true intimacy with others and God. It is not possible to make yourself vulnerable (which is required for true intimacy) if you are busy living outside yourself in relationships.
In addition, a focus on the needs of others over your own can become very manipulative. If you look at the motives behind this kind of behavior, it is really about making yourself look good so others will like you. You create a false person that always needs more of a “fix” to feel good about yourself. Consequently, the purpose of your willingness to do kind things for others or meet their needs is driven by your own selfish addiction to acceptance and approval.
Relationships like marriage then become very controlling and not authentic. It is impossible to be emotionally honest at the level needed in an intimate relationship if one or the other of the partners involved is practicing getting acceptance by doing what they feel the other wants. It may be a partner will feel smothered because they did not ask you to do anything to gain their approval. If you are the approval addict, you may resent all the things you are doing and not getting the credit you crave for all you do. It just becomes very scheming, confusing and not real, and, of course, painful.
Go back to the last blog and ask if you have some unresolved issues of rejection that are lurking within you. Then, ask yourself if you need to cut the cord of approval addiction.
Blessings,
Susan
Thursday, February 12, 2009
The Storm Within—Rooting out Rejection
Rejection from parents is often at the root of lack of intimacy with others. If you are experiencing some storms in your relationships, it could be coming from within you. It could also be about the other person’s issues with rejection, but you need to check out your own “roots” that might be adding to the problem.
Rooting out destructive messages that may be causing some reactive responses in your relationships with others is really important work for you to do. Parental rejection messages can cause you to feel badly about yourself and force you to go outside yourself to seek love. It can also force you to learn at an early age to find others to replace the lack of love you are experiencing in those first relationships with your parents. Years of doing this can condition you to depend on others to define your worth and value.
If you are feeling stormy within or in your relationships, it may be that you have some roots of rejection that are filtering the ability to give or receive love. You can go back and sort through your own roots and ask yourself if you were given messages that felt rejecting of you as a child. It might even be that you had to be perfect or took on a role for the family that was not really you or was above your age capability. If you feel that was communicated to you in any way by your parents or other authority figures, root it out and replace it with a truth that you know about yourself.
You will need to recondition old “voices” from the past with new affirmations that you know to be true based on your reality. Affirm that you are not perfect, but note the good qualities you do have. If you are out of balance even in your good qualities, check to make sure that is not a message that was communicated to you in order to bring honor to the family. It may be that you are overly responsible and feel good that you are, but it is actually wearing you out. That means you are out of balance and need to adjust what is your responsibility and what is not.
Calming some of the inner storm stemming from roots of rejection will help you feel more peaceful in your outer world and especially in your closest relationships. You can begin to live more freely in the real you without the rejecting messages from within and not accept any coming from external sources.
Blessings,
Susan
Rooting out destructive messages that may be causing some reactive responses in your relationships with others is really important work for you to do. Parental rejection messages can cause you to feel badly about yourself and force you to go outside yourself to seek love. It can also force you to learn at an early age to find others to replace the lack of love you are experiencing in those first relationships with your parents. Years of doing this can condition you to depend on others to define your worth and value.
If you are feeling stormy within or in your relationships, it may be that you have some roots of rejection that are filtering the ability to give or receive love. You can go back and sort through your own roots and ask yourself if you were given messages that felt rejecting of you as a child. It might even be that you had to be perfect or took on a role for the family that was not really you or was above your age capability. If you feel that was communicated to you in any way by your parents or other authority figures, root it out and replace it with a truth that you know about yourself.
You will need to recondition old “voices” from the past with new affirmations that you know to be true based on your reality. Affirm that you are not perfect, but note the good qualities you do have. If you are out of balance even in your good qualities, check to make sure that is not a message that was communicated to you in order to bring honor to the family. It may be that you are overly responsible and feel good that you are, but it is actually wearing you out. That means you are out of balance and need to adjust what is your responsibility and what is not.
Calming some of the inner storm stemming from roots of rejection will help you feel more peaceful in your outer world and especially in your closest relationships. You can begin to live more freely in the real you without the rejecting messages from within and not accept any coming from external sources.
Blessings,
Susan
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Shed the Shame
I have been thinking of how much shame affects us. It is at the core of our being like a director orchestrating everything. In my opinion, shame is the major source and foundation for all our thoughts and behavior. It seems like we organize everything around our shame stage and play out the drama of our life on it. Soon, it feels like we are not just an actor in the shame, but the shame IS us masking our real self. Who are we without our shame?
Have you been hiding under a mask that is called Shame? If so, you may feel you can never remove your mask and defenses for fear others will see your shame. Just like the Phantom of the Opera, you are disfigured under that mask and dare not show your real “face.” You may be hiding in fear that no one will love you if they know the truth about you. The truth is that the real you under that mask is the beautiful person waiting to be seen without the mask of shame.
Shame is the worst mask of all because it forces us into hiding of ourselves. As the years roll by, we live undercover and reject our own self. The shame keeps us locked in our own prison of rejection. Inside this place of confinement, we crave an intimate relationship, but we sabotage true intimacy through our own rejection. We cannot give and receive love because our real identity is hiding secretly behind the scenes.
Your stage of shame is set with unhealthy relationships and a costume that doesn’t fit you anymore. Shed your shame. It was a costume you were never meant to wear and doesn’t fit the real you.
What can you do to unmask that shame and reveal your true identity?
Blessings,
Susan
Have you been hiding under a mask that is called Shame? If so, you may feel you can never remove your mask and defenses for fear others will see your shame. Just like the Phantom of the Opera, you are disfigured under that mask and dare not show your real “face.” You may be hiding in fear that no one will love you if they know the truth about you. The truth is that the real you under that mask is the beautiful person waiting to be seen without the mask of shame.
Shame is the worst mask of all because it forces us into hiding of ourselves. As the years roll by, we live undercover and reject our own self. The shame keeps us locked in our own prison of rejection. Inside this place of confinement, we crave an intimate relationship, but we sabotage true intimacy through our own rejection. We cannot give and receive love because our real identity is hiding secretly behind the scenes.
Your stage of shame is set with unhealthy relationships and a costume that doesn’t fit you anymore. Shed your shame. It was a costume you were never meant to wear and doesn’t fit the real you.
What can you do to unmask that shame and reveal your true identity?
Blessings,
Susan
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